Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Amateur Dream Addendum

This is a rarity....a dream sequel!  A drequel?  When we last checked in on my amateur dream analysis, I was discussing an imaginary trip my mother (!) and I took to an Eminem concert at the Palace Of Auburn Hills.  I had a minor rehashing of this dream the other night, with only one new detail sticking in my memory.  My mom was wearing a t-shirt featuring Mekhi Phifer's face on it, only with a red Ghostbusters logo-style crossed-out circle around his visage.  The shirt meant, essentially, "no Mekhi Phifer," a la the lyric from "Lose Yourself."

No offense to Mekhi Phifer, but this is a hilarious idea for a shirt.  Should I get in touch with Eminem's branding people?  Should my mom get royalties?  I don't think she has any sort of beef with Mekhi Phifer, so I feel like she'd actually be upset about making money off this semi-insult towards him.  Mekhi, if you're reading this, an apology quilt may be coming your way.

Saturday, April 15, 2017

NBA Playoffs Predictions

I'm standing by my preseason pick of a Golden State/Cleveland NBA Finals since, while both teams have a couple of question marks, their top challengers also have question marks.  Makes more sense to pick the proven winners with a) a superteam's worth of talent and b) LeBron James rather than go with a team like, say, the Celtics without a true superstar, or one-man teams like the Rockets or Spurs, or "I'll have to see it to believe it" teams like the Wizards or Raptors.  The NBA is the one sport immune to the crazy upsets that dominate the sports landscape, though obviously the incredible can still happen (the Warriors had a 3-1 lead!) from time to time.

Warriors over Trail Blazers in five
Jazz over Clippers in seven
Rockets over Thunder in seven (due solely to Russell Westbrook continuing to be a one-man gang)
Spurs over Grizzlies in six
Celtics over Bulls in six
Wizards over Hawks in five
Cavaliers over Pacers in five
Raptors over Bucks in seven, but if Lowry and DeRozan have another slow playoffs, Giannis will eat the Raps alive

Warriors over Jazz in five
Spurs over Rockets in seven
Wizards over Celtics in seven
Cavaliers over Raptors in six

Warriors over Spurs in six
Cavaliers over Wizards in seven

Warriors over Cavaliers in six.  Finally, David West will have an NBA championship!  (oh, so will Kevin Durant)

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Stanley Cup Predictions

* Blackhawks over Predators in six
It’s my preseason Stanley Cup pick against the team I actually think will win.  I went with Nashville in a Subban-fueled “wouldn’t it be hilarious if this backfired on the Canadiens so wholly” kind of way, which ran counter to my OTHER standard NHL predictions narrative of “pick either the Blackhawks or Kings until they prove their contention window is closed.”  While the Kings’ era is firmly over, Chicago is still running hot. 

* Wild over Blues in six
One of these two long-suffering teams will eat another first-round exit, and I’m sure St. Louis fans right now are reading this and thinking “THEY’RE long-suffering?!  We have over 30 years of heartbreak on those expansion clowns!”  Still, when you factor in Minnesota losing their first team and the North Stars never winning anything anyway, plus the state of Minnesota’s general sports malaise, the Wild and Blues are certainly comparable.  I’m going with the Wild since c’mon, throw Minnesota a bone, universe.

* Oilers over Sharks in seven
And really, both the Wild and the Blues are much worse off than the Oilers, who at least still have all the Gretzky/Messier-era Cups to fall back on, plus winning all those lotteries and having Connor McDavid fall into their laps.  Still, it’s been a lean decade for Edmonton fans.  I remember watching the Oil’s last playoff game, Game 7 of the 2006 Stanley Cup finals, with various university friends, including my die-hard Oilers fan pal Ravi.  I literally had to send Ravi a congratulatory message after the Oilers finally returned to the postseason since, yikes, “lean” doesn’t really cover how bad this last decade has been.  Okay fine, Edmonton fans are also pretty tortured.  Let’s keep the good times rolling over the Sharks, who probably used up their rare bit of playoff luck by actually reaching the finals last year.

* Ducks over Flames in six
So the moral of the story is that Randy Carlyle is apparently a coaching savant in Anaheim but not anywhere else?  The thought of Carlyle returning to prominence is the dark lining around this silver cloud of a Maple Leafs season, so if Calgary wanted to pull off the upset, I wouldn’t mind at all.  That would also set up a potential Battle Of Alberta in the second round, which send Canadian fans into even more of a tizzy than they’re already in about these playoffs.  Five of seven teams in the running!  Way to drop the ball, Jets and Canucks.

* Rangers over Canadiens in seven
Original Six matchup, baby!  Some fun facts about the somewhat unheralded Montreal/New York rivalry: this is the fifth-most frequent matchup in NHL playoff history, so it’s probably not really “unheralded.”  They’ve met 15 times in the postseason with the Rangers holding a winning record (8-7), which is a bit surprising given how the Rangers had long stretches of mediocrity while the Habs won everything in sight.  With this in mind, and my pro-Subban stance from my preseason picks still in mind, I’ll go with New York to upset the Canadiens.  The Rangers really did catch a break in getting slotted into the much easier Atlantic Division bracket so they can avoid all the big dogs in the Metro.

* Bruins over Senators in seven
If I had to rank all 16 teams in order of how much I’d like to see them win the Cup, these would be my bottom two.  As fun as it will be to see one of them lose in the first round, it will be horrid watching one of them advance!  I’m so torn!  On a coin flip, I’ll go with the Bruins since it really hasn’t paid off picking against Boston sports teams these last couple of decades.

* Penguins over Blue Jackets in six
Both teams seem pretty comparable in talent but c’mon, there’s really no way one can pick a longtime mediocrity over the defending Stanley Cup champions.  “Jackets over Pens” just seems weird in any context, unless you’re gauging which is more useful to have on a cool autumn day. 

* Capitals over Maple Leafs in six
A Maple Leafs playoff paragraph is just about the last thing I figured I’d be writing back in October, but like many, I simply wasn’t prepared for Toronto’s onslaught of fantastic rookies.  I am wholly looking forward to rooting for MNM for the next 15-20 years.  Who would’ve thought that the revolutionary strategy of drafting actual talented players instead of “good Ontario boy” grinders would actually pay off with wins?!  Now, while the Capitals have a long tradition of playoff chokes, it’s worth noting that they usually don’t choke until the second round (good news for Penguins fans) and that they are clearly a few steps beyond the Leafs in talent and experience.  Still, I’m more than pleased with the young Buds getting some playoff time under their belts for the next step in their rebuild, which is maybe thinking about actual legitimate no-foolin’ Cup contention in….maybe two years?  That’s crazy to even think about.  In a year that has seen wild upsets and long title droughts being broken all over the sports world, a Maple Leafs Stanley Cup would be the most unlikely event of them all.

* Blackhawks over Wild in five
* Ducks over Oilers in six
* Rangers over Bruins in five
* Penguins over Capitals in seven

* Blackhawks over Ducks in six
* Penguins over Rangers in seven

* Blackhawks over Penguins in seven.  As a reminder, my preseason finals pick was Nashville over Tampa Bay, so I clearly know what I'm talking about.

Sunday, April 09, 2017

Random Nonsense

Bill Murray’s “dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria!” line is actually a pretty good description of Australia.


What’s cool about golf is that every player is just four days away from completely changing their career.  On Thursday morning, Sergio Garcia was an infamous underachiever, a choke artist, etc.  On Sunday evening, Sergio Garcia is now a surefire Golf Hall Of Famer.  All it took was one big week at a major championship to completely answer any criticism of Garcia’s career.  Garcia’s green jacket is the rising tide that lifts all of his many other career accomplishment ships (the nine other PGA Tour wins, the 12 European Tour wins, the Ryder Cup triumphs).

I admit, it looked for all the world that Sergio was going to blow it again during that final round when he started spraying the ball all over the course around the start of the back nine.  The Sergio of ten, five, maybe even one year ago goes on to post a 75 in that round.  This year’s Sergio, however, righted the ship.  It helped that Justin Rose didn’t pull out to a big lead in front of him, and nobody really made much of a charge coming up from behind him.  And, just to fully established the Fancy New Sergio, he even recovered to win the playoff after missing a Masters-winning putt on the 18th.  He’s unbreakable, this man!

Between Jason Day, Danny Willett, Dustin Johnson, Henrik Stenson, Jimmy Walker and now Garcia, the “best player without a major” list has taken some gigantic hits over the last couple of years.  Somewhere, a hopeful Lee Westwood rubs his rabbit foot* and wishes that his luck can also turn.  Somewhere, Luke Donald just glumly eats a can of uncooked ravioli, knowing that his time has completely passed.

* = not a euphemism


A hidden gem of an SNL sketch that never made it to air a few years ago.  This is a dead-on spoof of literally every talking-head countdown show, and/or every Listamania post I’ve ever published.


If I’m a hired goon working in Gotham City, first of all, I probably leave town.  Why stay in a city with such a notable vigilante superhero?  Why not become a hired goon working in, say, Pittsburgh?  Not many DC heroes in Steeltown. 

Secondly, if I’m forced to stay in Gotham and take my chances with Batman, Robin, Red Robin, Batgirl, Batwoman, Huntress, Nightwing on occasion, I probably don’t press my luck further by working for a notorious super villain.  For one, they’re likely to have you press up in some type of demeaning costume to fit their gimmick.  Secondly, most of them are just as likely to kill you on the spur of a moment as they are to, you know, actually pay you or something.  These folks are almost all crazy.  Who would book a job as a henchman for, like, the Joker and feel comfortable about that decision?  In that scenario, getting arrested by Batman is probably your best-case scenario.

Friday, April 07, 2017


Ok, so Tobias gets Carl Weathers and GOB gets Tony Wonder (which is even funnier in the wake of the fourth season's plotline).  The other doubles, presumably, are....

* George = Oscar
* Buster = Lucille 2
* George Michael = Ann
* Maeby = Mort Meyers or Surely Funke
* Lucille = kind of a tougher one, maybe Gene Parmesan, Lupe, Barry Zuckercorn or just a giant bottle of liquor
* Michael = Uh, ghost of his dead wife Tracey?
* Lindsay = Uh, Marky Bark?  Tobias, but in costume as Mrs. Featherbottom?


Monday, April 03, 2017

The Undertaker

Since any nine-year-old would find his little brother’s interests to be silly, I initially scoffed at my brother’s burgeoning interest in wrestling back in the fall of 1990.  “This is stupid!” I exclaimed when watching the show with him, then “this is so ridiculous” as I watched another episode, then “gee, do you think Ultimate Warrior can beat the Macho King?” as I gradually got more and more into it.

If I recall correctly, my morph from skeptic to fan happened just around the time of the 1990 Survivor Series, which happened to be the event that debuted the Undertaker.  In a way, Undertaker was the perfect new character to hook a young kid who was really into comic books, as Undertaker was essentially a supervillain come to life.  Weirdly, even though Undertaker’s gimmick (a zombie mortician, basically) was about as over-the-top as it came, he also served as a bit of strange realism within the cartoonish wrestling world.  He wasn’t a middle-aged guy hamming it up as, say, a wrestling barber or a wrestling cop or a wrestling Elvis impersonator…Undertaker just showed up with no emotion, no B.S. and just beat the hell out of opponents.  While he was a heel who went after all our favourites, fans didn’t really hate Undertaker in the traditional wrestling villain sense; he was less a heel than a force of nature.  Once he finally turned face, the fans bought it completely since we were just waiting for an excuse to properly cheer such a cool character.

My pro wrestling fandom has certainly waned and waxed over all these years, but the one constant has always been the Undertaker.  He’s the connective tissue that has linked three decades of WWF/WWE (and by extension, all of pro wrestling) history.  Watching Undertaker in the ring against a new star like Roman Reigns*, in a match that took place last night at Wrestlemania 33, instantly serves to cement Reigns’ place as a notable figure in that history.  There’s no way to calculate this, but it’s possible that Undertaker has wrestled more major names in wrestling than anyone else in history.  The only contenders for that title are maybe guys with more international experience to go along with North American stints (i.e. Chris Jericho or Rey Mysterio) or maybe just guys like Ric Flair or Terry Funk who had even more longevity.

* = Reigns, by the way, is the guy WWE has been trying to push as its new top star for a few years now, except the fans just hate him.  It’s just a really weird decision for WWE to keep going to the well with this guy when there are several more overall talented people in the company.  Even if WWE took advantage of Reigns’ unpopularity by making him heel, that makes way more sense than having a top star who’s hated by 90% of the audience.  You’d think that “guy who retired the Undertaker” would be the perfect way to turn someone heel, right?

In a way, Undertaker is the perfect person to be the focal point of modern wrestling history since he encapsulates all that is good, bad and ridiculous about pro wrestling.  Nobody has been involved in more stupid storylines than the Undertaker, with the possible exception of his long-lost zombie brother Kane BUT, since Kane was himself birthed from a stupid storyline, Undertaker should get bragging rights by extension.  At the same time, Undertaker also has dozens of classic matches to his name, some of the single-most memorable bouts in WWE history.  His death-related gimmick has been so perfectly broad that it lends itself to both the ridiculous (a Buried Alive match!) and the sublime (who else can use Johnny Cash’s “Ain’t No Grave” as entrance music and live up to its inherent badassery?) 

It’s going to be weird doing my usual “move away from wrestling for a few months and then jump back in” routine without the obligatory check-in on what Undertaker is up to, even if his involvement has been basically limited to Wrestlemania-only in the last several years.  The guy into his 50’s at this point, and watching last night’s match, it’s verrrrry safe to say he could’ve or should’ve hung it up a few years ago.  Still, he certainly earned the right to decide when he was going to officially retire.  Maybe he wanted to make it an even 25 matches at Wrestlemania in his career, or maybe he wanted to retire in Orlando a la Ric Flair a few years back.  Maybe he respected Roman Reigns just SO MUCH that he wanted to pass the torch to….well, that can’t be it.

Pro tip: if you’re having a basement wrestling match with your brother, be sure to only deliver a tombstone piledriver on a pillow.  Trust me.  The doctor said I may have brain damage!  “Mark, what’s the point of this story?”  I like stories.

Saturday, April 01, 2017

The Fool

U2's new single!

....well, okay, this song is actually almost 40 years old.  Happy April 1st!  But wouldn't it blow minds if U2 remastered this rough recording and actually released it on a new album?  Why not?  It's not like they properly released it back in the day.  "Songs Of Innocence" was basically perfect as it is, but wouldn't it have been even more perfect if this random track from U2's actual early days was part of the set?

Friday, March 31, 2017

Other People's Writing

* An admittedly morbid but fascinating look from The Guardian's Sam Knight at what will happen to the United Kingdom (and really, the world) when Queen Elizabeth II passes away, and how institutions all over the UK have prepared for the sad day.  It ranges from BBC Radio already having their playlists arranged with properly sober music choices to, in fact, quite a bit of uncertainty since it's been so long (1952) since the UK has had to deal with a changeover in royal power.

* As someone whose parents have a weekly "Dominos night" (on Tuesday, for the two-medium special deal) and whose friends always order Dominos when we get together to watch Survivor, I've had more than my share of the pizza chain over the years.  Bloomberg BusinessWeek's Susan Berfield looks at how Dominos regained its foothold in the pizza market thanks to tech-friendly ways of ordering and delivery.  (Bonus points to Bloomberg for laying out the article to resemble the Dominos Pizza Tracker.)  There's also some focus on my single favourite ad campaign of all time, the "our pizza isn't good, we're changing it" that was so upfront it was actually brilliant.  Maybe I should start doing that.  Folks, this blog's content has been going downhill for years...

* Speaking of Survivor, here's a wonderful story from Good Times Santa Cruz's Aaron Carnes about how the show unwittingly formed a connection that led to Kelly van den Berghe (wife of Lex, from S3 and S8) getting a kidney donated to her.

* Oral history time!  Sportsnet's John Molinaro, my old pal from the Toronto FC beat, put together the oral history of all the club's ups and downs over their first ten years of existence.  (Specifically, it was about eight years of down and then the last two years have been ups.)

* A rare good article about Saturday Night Live from Rolling Stones, which a few years back published a ranking of SNL cast members that was so bad that the earth should've been salted so such a piece could never again grow.  This one, however, lets the cast speak for themselves, with various actors describing their favourite sketches of all time.  Highlights include learning how everyone kept a straight face during Chris Farley's Chippendales audition sketch, and that Christopher Walken's Continental was actually based on a real show.

* A profile of the always-fascinating Jack White by the New Yorker's Alec Wilkinson.  There's rather little about the White Stripes since the band is not exactly at the forefront of what White is up to these days, which is turning Third Man Records into a cornerstone for the vinyl record industry.

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

The 37 Best Killers Songs

Wait, are the Killers one of my favourite bands?  I own and enjoy all four of their studio albums, and I own and enjoy their B-sides album (well, by the standards of ‘this is pretty good for a B-sides record,’ since there’s a reason those tracks were on the cutting room floor).  So by this standard, yes, I guess I think they’re terrific!  Now, they’re not quite in my upper tier of favourite bands, as I’ve never seen them live.  I’ve never even felt any particular yearning to see them live, which is probably the cutoff point between “band I like” and “favourite band.”

That being said, I’m running out of bands to feature in this Favourite Songs posts, so down to the next tier we go!  This list is based on personal preference, and I might have a notably different order if I’d written this post tomorrow.  I decided on 37 ‘favourite songs’ for the Killers, by which I mean there was originally a longer list but realized that you know what, everything from #38 on down was a good boat but not really one of my top-drawer choices.  If your favourite Killers song isn’t on the list, pretend it was #38 and I really hemmed and hawed over cutting it (when, in fact, I don’t even remember what #38 was!)  Only original material counts, which is kind of a shame in this case since the Killers’ cover of “Romeo & Juliet” is better than the Dire Straits original and would’ve been probably a top-five placement.

Onto the list!

37. Daddy’s Eyes
36. All The Pretty Faces
35. Change Your Mind
34. Goodnight, Travel Well
33. Neon Tiger
32. Andy, You’re A Star
31. Leave The Bourbon On The Shelf
30. The Ballad Of Michael Valentine
29. Bling (Confession Of A King)
28. Human
27. Smile Like You Mean It
26. Just Another Girl
25. Why Do I Keep Counting?
24. My List
23. Tranquilize
22. Bones
21. Show You How
20. Heart Of A Girl
19. Joy Ride
18. Entertude/Exitlude (from “Sam’s Town”)
17. Deadlines and Commitments
16. Here With Me
15. Be Still
14. Uncle Jonny
13. Sweet Talk
12. Read My Mind
11. Spaceman
10. Somebody Told Me
9. Losing Touch
8. For Reasons Unknown
7. Runaways
6. Sam’s Town
5. I Can’t Stay
4. Mr. Brightside
3. When You Were Young
2. Jenny Was A Friend Of Mine
1. All These Things That I’ve Done

Friday, March 24, 2017

The WILTY Dream Team

I'm no stranger to late-night YouTube dives, and my recent obsession has been the British panel show "Would I Lie To You?"  The premise is simple --- two teams of three comedians/celebrities/whatever try to guess whether one person on the other team is telling an untrue or true story. 

David Mitchell and Lee Mack are in every episode captaining the opposing teams, and needless to say, they're hilarious.  So in this post trying to form the best possible WILTY all-star episode, Mitchell and Mack are no-brainers.  Rob Brydon is the host, naturally.  (Original first-season host Angus Deayton is essentially the Pete Best of this show.)

I'll tell you right now, this post is complete since I couldn't decide on the sixth person.  It's a close race between Rhod Gilbert, Sarah Millican and Henning Wehn.  (Honourable mention to Kevin Bridges, who I think has only been on the show once but perhaps has the single funniest segment in WILTY history.  "For the love of God...")  So I'm just going to list the big three and you can debate the sixth amongst yourselves.  Plus, now I can write some other post about this topic later!  Content!

The all-stars....

* Claudia Winkleman, the WILTY GOAT
I use the 'GOAT' designation not necessarily because she's the funniest (though she is extremely funny), but because she clearly seems to be the best at the actual game.  Look at this clip package; she's unbeaten!  She's that perfect blend of so logically kooky that you can believe any story she might tell, and she is a phenomenal liar.  Her "designate people as animals" clip is so matter-of-fact that it's almost scary.

* Greg Davies, the giant of laughter
Almost the best storyteller ever, and my god, that "vegetables" story is the best.  I've watched the bit about the teacher losing the passports maybe a dozen times and I'm crying with laughter every time.

* Bob Mortimer, storyteller supreme
As great as Davies is at spinning yarns, nobody touches Mortimer.  His friends' names!  His completely illogical behaviour in his youth!  It's honestly a bit disappointing whenever Bob has to sell a lie, since why make something up when you could just let him talk about his actual life for five minutes?

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Monopoly News!

I was going to write this post about the new Monopoly pieces a few days ago but held off due an overwhelming disturbance in the Force.  I was like, “hmm, I should hold off just in case another piece of Monopoly-related news somehow breaks in the next few days.  I’ve got a hunch!”  Since my hunches are always correct*, I now get to just combine both pieces of news into one post, rather than “monopolize” your time by making you read two separate posts.  Puns!

* = case in point, I’m doing really well in one of my March Madness brackets.  The moral of the story is that if you run six brackets, at least one will be a winner!

Firstly, the biggest shakeup in the Monopoly world is that three of the longtime game pieces are going the way of the dodo.*  (Which apparently is one of the few birds that isn’t under consideration for being a game piece.)  The thimble, wheelbarrow and boot are all OUT, to be replaced by a penguin, a rubber duck and a Tyrannosaurus Rex.

* = if you'll notice the address of that link, you'll also note that someone at the CBC doesn't know how to spell "Monopoly."  Come on, CBC!  Somewhere, Rick Mercer just shakes his head in disgust.

This isn’t the first time the game has switched up its pieces, as they introduced a cat (replacing the old iron) a few years ago.  A more learned cultural critic than I could note how Monopoly is slowly phasing out all of the “working-class” items in favour of “random crap,” which someone goes against the game’s gimmick of one rising up to make oneself a business tycoon.

On the plus side, the top hat is staying, as that’s my go-to piece whenever I sit down for a game of Monopoly.  My usual order is preference is Top Hat, then the Wheelbarrow (RIP), and then in a pinch, the Iron Dog.  I always refer to that piece as “the iron dog” rather than just “the dog” due to some children’s detective book I read literally 30 years ago that involved some major clue being hidden inside a metallic statue of a dog.  If they ever make a movie about Margaret Thatcher’s pet hound, the title is already spoken for.

I probably don’t have to worry about my beloved Top Hat leaving the board anytime soon, since I have to imagine that one will be around for as long as Rich Uncle Pennybags (a.k.a. Mr. Monopoly) is still the mascot.  God help us all if they decide to modernize him into some kind of Richard Branson-style “cool billionaire” in a sportcoat and jeans.  If they replace the Top Hat with a Bluetooth Headset, I’ll be picketing Hasbro’s offices.

The second item is that a Monopoly-based musical is in the works, since literally everything can be a musical these days.  To answer your obvious question, no, I’m not going to auditioning for the role of Rich Uncle Pennybags, though the resemblance is uncanny.  (My history of auditioning for musicals is not great.)   

I’m disappointed that my dad isn’t writing the songs for this show, given his long-standing tradition of singing place name-related songs during any game of Monopoly.  Landing on Indiana Ave leads to a rendition of “Indiana Wants Me” by R. Dean Taylor.  Landing on Boardwalk leads to him singing, naturally, the Drifters’ classic “Under The Boardwalk.”  Landing on Pacific Avenue and it’s him singing that old South Pacific standard “I’m Gonna Wash That Man Right Outta My Hair”….okay, that last one is made up.  The point is that Monopoly already has a long and proud musical history based around my father’s lack of knowledge about any song written after the year 1971.

Sunday, March 19, 2017

Hot! Live! Music!

Sarah Slean, "Climbing Up The Walls"
Having seen Sarah Slean four times in concert, she is my most-viewed live artist this side of U2.  I guess that factoid would've been more thematic if Radiohead was my top concert act, but whatever, this cover is great.  All you Sleaniacs should know this by now, but her new album is out in a matter of weeks.

Bruce Springsteen, "Real World"
I found this one about five seconds after posting last month's Springsteen-centric Hot! Live! Music! entry but really, one never needs an excuse to promote a great Bruce song.  This gem is from (of all places) the much-maligned Human Touch album, a.k.a. the one that Bruce released on the same day as the equally lightly-regarded Lucky Town.  So it was a double album but not a double album, yet the two records shared the usual double-album problem of "man, why didn't they just take the best 12 songs and make one good record instead of two mediocre ones?"  Fun fact: Real World is a rare co-writing joint for Springsteen, as the melody here was from longtime E Street pianist Roy Bittan.

The Edge, "Love Is Blindness"
Speaking of musicians performing stripped-down versions of songs, here's the Edge.  Listen to the voice on this guy!  Is there anything the Edge can't do, minus grow hair?

Robyn Adele Anderson, "Clint Eastwood"
You may recognize RAA from her collaborations with Postmodern Jukebox.  I don't know if she is trying to steal their thunder with her own old-timey cover YouTube videos or if she was already going this before Scott Bradlee and company came along.  Admittedly, part of me would find it hilarious if there was this really bitter feud within the YouTube old-timey music cover community...that sounds like a Christopher Guest movie just waiting to happen.  Let's also recognize RAA's shrewd marketing, or perhaps just dumb luck in the name department; her video will get some curious views from everyone searching for either 'Adele' or 'Robyn.'  (And I guess 'Anderson,' for those looking for Harry Anderson magic tricks.) As I've thought for years ever since Gorillaz released this track, what was Clint Eastwood's reaction to this?  Frankly, I'd settle for a video of Clint's face as someone tries to explain to him the entire concept of Gorillaz.

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Happy Pi Day!

In the words of Homer Simpson, "mmmmm, pie."

In the words of mathematicians, 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510582097494459230781640628620899862803482534211706798214808651328230664709384460955058223172535940812848111745028410270193852110555964462294895493038196442881097566593344612847564823378678316527120190914564856692346034861045432664821339360726024914127372458700660631558817488152092096282925409171536436789259036001133053054882046652138414695194151160943305727036575959195309218611738193261179310511854807446237996274956735188575272489122793818301194912983367336244065664308602139494639522473719070217986094370277053921717629317675238467481846766940513200056812714526356082778577134275778960917363717872146844090122495343014654958537105079227968925892354201995611212902196086403441815981362977477130996051870721134999999837297804995105973173281609631859502445945534690830264252230825334468503526193118817101000313783875288658753320838142061717766914730359825349042875546873115956286388235378759375195778185778053217122680661300192787661119590921642019893809525720106548586327886593615338182796823030195203530185296899577362259941389124972177528347913151557485724245415069595082953311686172785588907509838175463746493931925506040092770167113900984882401285836160356370766010471018194295559619894676783744944825537977472684710404753464620804668425906949129331367702898915210475216205696602405803815019351125338243003558764024749647326391419927260426992279678235478163600934172164121992458631503028618297455570674983850549458858692699569092721079750930295532116534498720275596023648066549911988183479775356636980742654252786255181841757467289097777279380008164706001614524919217321721477235014144197356854816136115735255213347574184946843852332390739414333454776241686251898356948556209921922218427255025425688767179049460165346680498862723279178608578438382796797668145410095388378636095068006422512520511739298489608412848862694560424196528502221066118630674427862203919494504712371378696095636437191728746776465757396241389086583264599581339047802759009946576407895126946839835259570982582262052248940772671947826848260147699090264013639443745530506820349625245174939965143142980919065925093722169646151570985838741059788595977297549893016175392846813826868386894277415599185592524595395943104997252468084598727364469584865383673622262609912460805124388439045124413654976278079771569143599770012961608944169486855584840635342207222582848864815845602850601684273945226746767889525213852254995466672782398645659611635488623057745649803559363456817432411251507606947945109659609402522887971089314566913686722874894056010150330861792868092087476091782493858900971490967598526136554978189312978482168299894872265880485756401427047755513237964145152374623436454285844479526586782105114135473573952311342716610213596953623144295248493718711014576540359027993440374200731057853906219838744780847848968332144571386875194350643021845319104848100537061468067491927819119793995206141966342875444064374512371819217999839101591956181467514269123974894090718649423196156794520809514655022523160388193014209376213785595663893778708303906979207734672218256259966150142150306803844773454920260541466592520149744285073251866600213243408819071048633173464965145390579626856100550810665879699816357473638405257145910289706414011097120628043903975951567715770042033786993600723055876317635942187312514712053292819182618612586732157919841484882916447060957527069572209175671167229109816909152801735067127485832228718352093539657251210835791513698820914442100675103346711031412671113699086585163983150197016515116851714376576183515565088490998985998238734552833163550764791853589322618548963213293308985706420467525907091548141654985946163718027098199430992448895757128289059232332609729971208443357326548938239119325974636673058360414281388303203824903758985243744170291327656180937734440307074692112019130203303801976211011004492932151608424448596376698389522868478312355265821314495768572624334418930396864262434107732269780280731891544110104468232527162010526522721116603966655730925471105578537634668206531098965269186205647693125705863566201855810072936065987648611791045334885034611365768675324944166803962657978771855608455296541266540853061434443185867697514566140680070023787765913440171274947042056223053899456131407112700040785473326993908145466464588079727082668306343285878569830523580893306575740679545716377525420211495576158140025012622859413021647155097925923099079654737612551765675135751782966645477917450112996148903046399471329621073404375189573596145890193897131117904297828564750320319869151402870808599048010941214722131794764777262241425485454033215718530614228813758504306332175182979866223717215916077166925474873898665494945011465406284336639379003976926567214638530673609657120918076383271664162748888007869256029022847210403172118608204190004229661711963779213375751149595015660496318629472654736425230817703675159067350235072835405670403867435136222247715891504953098444893330963408780769325993978054193414473774418426312986080998886874132604721569516239658645730216315981931951673538129741677294786724229246543668009806769282382806899640048243540370141631496589794092432378969070697794223625082216889573837986230015937764716512289357860158816175578297352334460428151262720373431465319777741603199066554187639792933441952154134189948544473456738316249934191318148092777710386387734317720754565453220777092120190516609628049092636019759882816133231666365286193266863360627356763035447762803504507772355471058595487027908143562401451718062464362679456127531813407833033625423278394497538243720583531147711992606381334677687969597030983391307710987040859133746414428227726346594704745878477872019277152807317679077071572134447306057007334924369311383504931631284042512192565179806941135280131470130478164378851852909285452011658393419656213491434159562586586557055269049652098580338507224264829397285847831630577775606888764462482468579260395352773480304802900587607582510474709164396136267604492562742042083208566119062545433721315359584506877246029016187667952406163425225771954291629919306455377991403734043287526288896399587947572917464263574552540790914513571113694109119393251910760208252026187985318877058429725916778131496990090192116971737278476847268608490033770242429165130050051683233643503895170298939223345172201381280696501178440874519601212285993716231301711444846409038906449544400619869075485160263275052983491874078668088183385102283345085048608250393021332197155184306354550076682829493041377655279397517546139539846833936383047461199665385815384205685338621867252334028308711232827892125077126294632295639898989358211674562701021835646220134967151881909730381198004973407239610368540664319395097901906996395524530054505806855019567302292191393391856803449039820595510022635353619204199474553859381023439554495977837790237421617271117236434354394782218185286240851400666044332588856986705431547069657474585503323233421073015459405165537906866273337995851156257843229882737231989875714159578111963583300594087306812160287649628

Monday, March 13, 2017

Breaking Bad, Abbrv

Needless to say, you should watch all of Breaking Bad from start to finish.  Do it now, if you haven't already.  Like, right now.  Leave work, go home, buy a membership to a streaming service that carries that series and don't leave the house for the next three days.  (If you live in southern Ontario, this coincides nicely with this monster blizzard we're supposed to be getting.)  It is arguably the best TV show of all time and should absolutely be enjoyed from start to finish in its proper form.

THAT BEING SAID...this is a really cool idea.  Some fans sat down and rather amazingly edited the entirety of Breaking Bad into a two-hour movie.  Now, I haven't actually sat down and watched this myself, so I apologize if, halfway through, it suddenly morphs into a commercial for a timeshare in Daytona Beach.  Still, it certainly seems like a good idea for any BB fan who is interested in re-watching the series in a unique way.

Breaking Bad - The Movie from Breaking Bad - The Movie on Vimeo.

Wednesday, March 08, 2017

Beas? BEES?

First of all, the “Beads/BEES?!” bit is one of the most underrated of all Arrested Development gags.  But this is about another sitcom.

For years, I’ve been under the impression that The Office’s Pam Beasley spelled her last name the aforementioned way.  On a recent rematch of the series, however, I’ve discovered that her last name is…Beesly?!  What gives?

Technically, I could’ve been wrong this whole time.  BUT IF SO, why did Michael Scott (a lover of obvious puns if there ever was one) never make a single Beesly/bees/honey/etc. joke throughout the entirety of the series?  Am I being gaslit?  Is this some kind of Mandela Effect/Berenstain Bears situation?

If anyone knows Jenna Fischer personally, ask her about this.  Tell her a guy on the internet is curious about her character’s name; I’m sure she’ll drop everything to clear the matter up.  Or she'll say "my last name is spelled 'Fisher,' some fan you are," and I'll officially check into an asylum.

Sunday, March 05, 2017

Adjacent To Heroism

Back in my younger days, I spent a summer working at Storybook Gardens, the most magical place on Earth (citation required).  For non-Londoners, Storybook is a kids’ theme park with a general “based on nursery rhymes” gimmick, and it has been a staple of southern Ontario tourism for decades.

My twin jobs were to a) operate the merry-go-round and b) dress up in a makeshift old-timey conductor’s uniform to run the “Storybook Express” train (a.k.a. a glorified riding lawnmower) around the park.  While mostly fun, there were certainly a few days when the hot summer sun became a bit much, or the kids crossed the line from “aw, how adorable” to “horrific little monsters,” or the dang Storybook Express malfunctioned mid-ride and I had to stand there amidst the goose crap* while a technician re-connected the whatever to the thing-a-ma-bob.

* = there’s probably no metric to measure this, but I would bet cash money that Canada geese see Springbank Park as the world’s single biggest toilet.  The sheer volume of geese generates an unholy amount of goose feces, and while “geese feces” is fun to say, it’s less fun to scrape off your boots.

So needless to say, Mark enjoyed his breaks.  If I recall correctly, it was 30 minutes of breaktime that I used to either grab a bite to eat, or just outright take a nap in the employee break room.  Like I said, some of those summer days were awfully warm.  Plus, my shifts started early.  Plus, I’m lazy!

One day, however, I was actually well-rested and just using my break to get lunch.  I grabbed a slice of pizza and a soda from one of the park’s food booths and was headed back to the break room to eat.  Thanks to a long line and the lack of an “employees can cut in front” policy,* I was running short on time before my shift resumed.  Still, I wasn’t sweating the clock too much until The Incident occurred.

* = I mean, come on, people.  I’ve been working all day to provide you and your bratty children with magical storybook enjoyment!  I shouldn’t have to wait for pizza!  Outta the way!

Like park employee both new and old, I was required to take a basic first aid course as part of my training.  While this is unquestionably a logical thing to learn, I certainly approached that course as just another step in the process rather than something that would need to be crucially important at some point.  Given my day-to-day duties, learning basic first aid was likely not going to be as utilized nearly as regularly as, say, learning how to reconnect the whatever to the Storybook Express.  (Man, I should’ve paid more attention during that lawnmower maintenance seminar.)  So sure, while it was handy to know, the first aid stuff didn’t seem to be too critical…

…UNTIL IT WAS.  About 30 yards away from where I was standing, pizza in hand, a little girl seemed to be choking.  Her parents were visibly concerned and her dad had kind of a makeshift Heimlich maneuver going, but his form wasn’t as measured as the proper style I’d learned just weeks before from a trained medical professional.  So clearly, it was my time to intercede.  I tossed my pizza and soda literally on the ground and began a sprint towards the scene.

And then after I’d run about ten yards, the little girl stopped choking.  Whatever it was she’d had trouble swallowing, it was now dislodged and she was totally fine.  She hugged her dad and went about merrily playing like nothing had happened.  By the time I actually made it to them, the family almost seemed surprised to see me.  “Oh, thanks for asking!  She’s fine, no problem, yadda yadda yadda.”  I considered giving the father a few pointers on proper Heimlich technique but whatever, his method was also effective.  He just never had the idea to hype it up like Henry Heimlich did.

On the grand scale, tragedy was averted.  On a lesser scale, my stomach was in peril since my lunch was ruined.  I’m not one to litter, though I didn’t want to take an extra five seconds to properly dispose of my food since time was seemingly of the essence.  Rushing to help a choking kid is well worth some soda on the ground, no question.  Likewise, I didn’t want to carefully just put it on the ground or something since, again, that would’ve taken some time and even if it’s carefully placed, it’s still on the ground.  As my personal motto goes, If Food Is On The Ground, Don’t Swallow It Down.  Plus, I’d left that pizza and soda unattended for a few minutes.  What if a bird had momentarily swooped down to peck at it, and then I’d eaten the slice none the wiser and contracted avian flu?  What if I’d set the slice down in a pile of geese feces (again, this crap was everywhere)?  Once that food left my hands, for all intents and purposes, it was garbage. 

Still, every legendary act of heroism requires some level of sacrifice from the hero.  Clearly, my brief mad dash towards an easily-averted problem counted as such capital-H Heroism.  In giving up that pizza and pop, I was hungry for three more hours.  That’s right, three!  It’s a wonder I didn’t waste away right there next to the carousel.  That was a full, nutritious lunch (uh, citation required) and the four dollars it cost to buy that lunch just tossed away without a thought, since a life needed saving. 

Well done, me.  Kudos, self.  It was right then and there, as I was catching my breath since I was inexplicably winded after running ten measly yards, that I knew that my legend would one day echo through the Springbank woods like the stories of Paul Bunyan.  And really, what did Paul Bunyan do besides be enormous and swing a mean axe?  Did he take a 90-minute first aid course?  Hell no!  Did he know the whole thing about timing chest compressions along with the beat of the Bee Gees’ “Stayin’ Alive”?  Doubtful.  I wonder if Bunyan was familiar any of the Gibb brothers’ work.

It’s probably for the best that I didn’t ask the choking girl’s father for four bucks in compensation.  

Saturday, March 04, 2017

Conan The Luchador

I think we can all agree, El Gallo Loco needs a match with the Undertaker at Wrestlemania.  What the heck, throw John Cena in there against Bebe Malo in some type of "you must diaper your opponent to win" stipulation match.

Monday, February 27, 2017

The 2016 Markademy Awards

There is literally nothing I could do for this year’s Markademy Awards that could possibly top the actual Oscars for pure bonkers.  I’m at a loss, folks.  I could’ve trained a flock of carrier pigeons to peck away at a pile of bird seed to reveal each winner’s name, but then it’d just turn out that Faye Dunaway and Warren Beatty replaced the seed with ball bearings.

It looked for all the world like Beatty’s pause before reading the winner was either a) him having a senior moment or b) him just hamming it up to draw out the suspense.  So Dunaway, intending to either bail him out or cut the nonsense, grabbed the card and the name of the listed film, going so quickly that she didn’t notice the discrepancy.  (Remember, she was acting fast.)  Long story short, that was the single biggest fiasco in Oscar history.  Hindsight being 20-20, Beatty missed an incredible chance at self-promotion by not ending his explanatory speech with “looks like the Rules Don’t Apply to me, folks!” and holding up a DVD.

So without further ado, let’s move on to the 2016 Markademy Awards!  Where you’d better believe I double-checked this post for any errors before publishing.

Actual Oscar nominees: Damien Chazelle/La La Land, Mel Gibson/Hacksaw Ridge, Barry Jenkins/Moonlight, Kenneth Lonergan/Manchester By The Sea, Denis Villeneuve/Arrival
Actual Oscar winner: Chazelle

Alterna-ballot: Luca Guadagnino/A Bigger Splash, Pablo Larrain/Jackie, Richard Linklater/Everybody Wants Some!!, David Mackenzie/Hell Or High Water, Mike Mills/20th Century Women, Joe and Anthony Russo/Captain America: Civil War, Martin Scorsese/Silence
My ballot: Chazelle, Guadagnino, Jenkins, The Russos, Scorsese
My winner: Barry Jenkins

Obligatory “LOL at the Academy actually nominating Mel Gibson again.”  Aside from that one tone-deaf nod, this is a pretty strong list of nominees, even if I’m only duplicating two of of them on my actual ballot.  Silence is a film that I admire more than I actually want to watch again, though it’s inarguable that Scorsese is simply playing on a higher level than virtually anyone else.  I’m not familiar with Guadagnino’s past work but he emerged on my radar screen in a big way.  And say what you will about Chazelle the wonder boy, but I thought LLL was a hell of a movie, and this guy clearly is a big talent to watch in future years.

I’ll give the Russos their own paragraph just to acknowledge the incredible juggling act required for Civil War (which got strong consideration for the Best Picture Markademy Award).  They had to live up to the amazing Winter Soldier, live up to the original Civil War storyline from the comics even if the film adaptation version is significantly different, present the Cap/Iron Man conflict in a way that makes a case for either side, kind of apologize to the world for Age Of Ultron by making a “real” new Avengers movie, introduce a brand new franchise-carrying character in Black Panther, re-introduce Spider-Man in his new Tom Holland form and incorporate him into the Marvel Cinematic Universe, give little character beats to literally eight other recurring heroes (Black Widow, Falcon, Winter Soldier, War Machine, Vision, Hawkeye, Scarlet Witch, Ant-Man), from the Marvel movies, introduce and develop a brand-new villain in Zemo, face real-world pressure of trying to outdo another big hero vs. hero movie in Batman vs. Superman (this ended up being not that hard), make it a Captain America movie first and foremost for fans of that specific series AND, finally, make it great.  No wonder it took two people to direct this; I’m surprised it didn’t take six. 

But not even the fabulous Russo brothers can overcome Barry Jenkins.  Chazelle gets the ‘wonder boy’ label because he’s only 32, but Jenkins is a mere 37 years old himself.  He made one movie eight years ago, puttered around trying to get several more projects off the ground in the interim, was a staff writer on the second season of The Leftovers (!) and then finally gets Moonlight made….and it’s a stone-cold classic.  This is an astonishingly good movie for anyone, let alone a filmmaker on just his second trip behind the camera.  I suspect Jenkins won’t have so much trouble getting his third film made.  I don’t begrudge Chazelle winning the Oscar since Jenkins was rewarded himself via the adapted screenplay Oscar, not to mention landing the big prize at the end of the night.

Actual Oscar nominees: Mahershala Ali/Moonlight, Jeff Bridges/Hell Or High Water, Lucas Hedges/Manchester By The Sea, Dev Patel/Lion, Michael Shannon/Nocturnal Animals
Actual Oscar winner: Ali

Alterna-ballot: Tom Bennett/Love & Friendship, Ralph Fiennes/A Bigger Splash, Ben Foster/Hell Or High Water, Garrett Hedlund/Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk, Yosuke Kubozuka/Silence, Tracy Letts/Indignation, Issey Ogata/Silence, Glen Powell/Everybody Wants Some!!, Peter Sarsgaard/Jackie, Donnie Yen/Rogue One
My ballot: Fiennes, Kubozuka, Ogata, Powell, Shannon
My winner: Ralph Fiennes

Let’s begin with what is probably the year’s deepest acting category, as while I don’t really have any issues with any of the nominated performances, I had better alternatives.  Ali is a worthy winner though admittedly (minor Moonlight spoiler here), I thought he’d have more screentime given all of the hype surrounding his performance.  Hedges is fine.  Shannon is heavily approaching Christopher Walken territory of being able to add crazy intensity to any film, no matter how good or bad.  (I’m still not sure what I thought of Nocturnal Animals, easily the WTF film of the year.) 

Lion’s unusual structure technically makes Patel a supporting role, though it’s still vaguely category fraud-esque to me.  HoHW is another tough movie for lead/supporting designations since it more or less has three lead roles (a la The Departed) split between two younger actors and a cagey veteran.  Chris Pine is clearly the lead, though between Bridges and Foster, I’d say Foster was the most supporting role while Bridges is in that Nicholson-esque netherworld between the two categories.  Foster therefore would’ve been my preferred HoHW mention for this category, in no small part because Ben Foster is well overdue for some Academy recognition.

So after a whole paragraph on category fraud, I’m giving my actual Markademy Award to a performance that really skates the line between lead and supporting.  For much of the year, in fact, I had Fiennes listed as one of my Best Actor candidates.  I’m sure you could take a stopwatch to clock amounts of screentime that point out my hypocrisy in awarding Fiennes while snubbing, say, Bridges or Patel, though there’s also a narrative consideration.  Fiennes’ role in A Bigger Splash is ultimately a secondary part to drive the action of the actual lead, Tilda Swinton’s character.  (Matthias Schoenaerts and Dakota Johnson are both kinda in category limbo, though I’d say Johnson was supporting if I bothered to nominate her.)

Beyond just screentime, of course, Fiennes totally steals every scene he’s in.  Fiennes has a well-developed reputation as a serious and intense actor, though between this film, Hail Caesar! and the Grand Budapest Hotel, he’s starting to flex his comedic muscles.  Fiennes is also playing Moriarty in an upcoming Sherlock Holmes movie starring Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly as Holmes and Watson, and I mean, just take my money now.  Also, Fiennes’ full actual name is “Ralph Nathaniel Twisleton-Wykeham-Fiennes,” so you pretty much need a sense of humour if you’re growing up with such an ultra-British name.

Roll call for some other honourable mentions!  Everything about Kubozuka’s performance and character was fascinating, and he would’ve won if I’d taken a harder line with Fiennes as a lead actor….Not to be outdone on Team Silence, Issey brilliantly combined both humour and menace….Bennett finally channeled his poor man’s Ricky Gervais persona into something actually worthwhile….Letts is a classic “he had one scene, but man, what a scene” performance….Powell is hilariously douchey from start to finish…Sarsgaard avoids the pitfalls of a Kennedy impersonation to deliver fine work as RFK….if another set of Star Wars prequels is solely focused on Donnie Yen’s character, I won’t complain.

Actual Oscar nominees: Isabelle Huppert/Elle, Ruth Negga/Loving, Natalie Portman/Jackie, Emma Stone/La La Land, Meryl Streep/Florence Foster Jenkins
Actual Oscar winner: Stone

Alterna-ballot: Amy Adams/Arrival, Kate Beckinsale/Love & Friendship, Annette Bening/20th Century Women, Lily Collins/Rules Don’t Apply, Viola Davis/Fences, Rebecca Hall/Christine, Taraji P. Henson/Hidden Figures, Sarah Paulson/Blue Jay, Tilda Swinton/A Bigger Splash
My ballot: Bening, Davis, Hall, Portman, Swinton
My winner: Annette Bening

It’s weird to nominate Gosling and not Stone for the Markademy Award since she gave the better performance, though the Goz was aided by a very weak Best Actor field.  This year’s list of Best Actress contenders, conversely, was so stacked that while Stone was a worthy winner of the actual Oscar, you could just as easily argue in favour of another half-dozen names.  I actually had her seventh on my ballot, with the eternal Streep taking the #6 position.

We’ll talk more about Viola Davis in the next category, but suffice it to say, she was great.  Portman’s first 15 minutes were sort of “uh oh, this Jackie O impression is a little shaky, is this going to be the whole movie?” before morphing into straight fire.  ~~~ Swinton was amazing even barely saying a word.  The big dark horse nominee of the entire year was Rebecca Hall, an actress who I never considered to be even decent before her fantastic work in Christine.  Maybe I was blind to her talents, or maybe she’s a broken clock and this was one of her two correct times.

My winner is Annette Bening, from a rare film that I instantly wanted to see as an ongoing TV series just so I could spend more time with the characters.  Bening is the center of that great ensemble as a no-nonsense mother who nonetheless invites untold amounts of nonsense into her son’s life.  Doesn’t it feel like Bening should have an actual Oscar by now?  Will she be unofficially snubbed for life now since she’s married to Warren “Envelope Expert” Beatty?

Actual Oscar nominees: Viola Davis/Fences, Naomie Harris/Moonlight, Nicole Kidman/Lion, Octavia Spencer/Hidden Figures, Michelle Williams/Manchester By The Sea
Actual Oscar winner: Davis

Alterna-ballot: Greta Gerwig/20th Century Women, Dichen Lachman/Too Late, Kate McKinnon/Ghostbusters, Janelle Monae/Hidden Figures, Angora Rice/The Nice Guys, Molly Shannon/Other People
My ballot: McKinnon, Monae, Rice, Shannon, Williams
My winner: Kate McKinnon

“Mark, are you going to talk about category fraud all day long?”  I sure can!  Viola Davis gave a great performance and was wholly deserving of at least a nomination…as Best Actress.  Let’s be real here, this was a lead role.  At the end of the day I’m not too upset about Davis’ win since Kidman and Spencer both already have Oscars (“and probably didn’t deserve the nominations anyway,” he whispered”), Harris was fine but not award-worthy in my view. 

Michelle Williams….well, this is the eternal struggle of category fraud discussions.  She’s in MbtS for maybe ten minutes tops, yet one of her scenes is an absolute heart-wrencher and probably the key to the entire film.  Judging acting performances is often a case of apples vs. oranges anyway, but in this case especially, it’s not really fair to judge Williams’ ten great minutes against Davis’ 70-80 great minutes within the context of the same category.  Also, let’s not overlook how one Oscar snub begets another.  Hindsight being 20-20, Davis probably should’ve won Best Actress in 2011, so if the Academy is giving her a make-good Oscar this year, that now snubs Williams, who is quietly building up a hell of a resume.  Do you realize this is her fourth Oscar nomination?  From being the fourth or fifth most important person on Dawson’s Creek to having more career Oscar nods than Humphrey Bogart, Joan Crawford, James Cagney, Peter Ustinov, Julie Andrews and countless others.  Williams is only 36 and should still have many more chances to finally nab that Oscar, though if she ends up in 0-fer-life territory, she could point to 2016 as her coulda/shoulda year if the Academy had done its job and properly awarded Davis years earlier.  Or, Williams will finally win an Oscar while snubbing someone else and cycle begins anew!

But in any case, I’m giving the actual award to Kate McKinnon for her Danny Ocean-sized theft of the Ghostbusters reboot.  This movie carried a ton of baggage, not only from the general pressure of reviving a classic franchise but also the outsized internet fanboy backlash, plus the backlash to that backlash.  McKinnon cut through the Gordian Knot of this controversy simply by being hilarious — literally everything she said or did was funny.  Her reactions just standing in the background of a scene are usually funnier than anything in the foreground.  There was a video floating around the internet for about two seconds (before the copyright police got to it) of all the alternate takes McKinnon used for her dialogue and every improvisation was as good as the next.  Between this movie and her weekly domination of SNL, 2016 was the year of McKinnon.

Special shoutout to my pal Kyle, who has stated that the Markademy Awards post is one of the reading highlights of his year.  Aww, thanks buddy!  I mention Kyle here since I’m sure he’ll love this particular award since he loathed the Ghostbusters movie.  He also recently praised the Ed Helms Vacation remake, so I’m wondering if his comedy compass is a little off.  After all, Kyle finds me funny, so something clearly ain’t right.

Honourable mention roll call!  Speaking of SNL stars, holy lord, does Molly Shannon ever come out of nowhere with a heartbreaking performance….I’m assuming that Spencer’s higher profile and past-winner status helped her get the nomination from the Hidden Figures cast since Monae had the better performance….Rice is a star of the future, she more than held her own with Gosling and Russell Crowe….Gerwig is slowly becoming the Streep of the Markademy Awards….I’ve been singing Lachman’s praises since her days on Dollhouse, can someone please start giving her better roles?

Actual Oscar nominees: Casey Affleck/Manchester By The Sea, Andrew Garfield/Hacksaw Ridge, Ryan Gosling/La La Land, Viggo Mortensen/Captain Fantastic, Denzel Washington/Fences
Actual Oscar winner: Affleck

Alterna-ballot: Joe Alwyn/Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk, Andrew Garfield/Silence, Hugh Grant/Florence Foster Jenkins, Jesse Plemons/Other People, Miles Teller/Bleed For This
My ballot: Garfield (for Silence), Gosling, Grant, Plemons, Washington
My winner: Denzel Washington

I can’t say I was too impressed with Affleck’s performance, and was hoping that the late-breaking Denzel momentum would be enough to net him that third Oscar.  Fun fact: only Streep, Ingrid Bergman, Walter Brennan, Daniel Day-Lewis, Jack Nicholson and Katherine Hepburn (who won four) have won at least three acting Oscars.  Can’t help but think Washington would’ve fit quite nicely into that group, though obviously he still has plenty of time to nab that third trophy.

Some have claimed that Fences is a bit too overtly theatrical, or showy, or Washington chews the scenery a little too much….but man, if you put the two performances side by side, I’ll take Denzel all day every day over Affleck.  If you play the old “if they switched roles” game and magically aged Affleck 20 years to make it work, a Casey Affleck-led Fences isn’t as good a movie.  A mid-90’s Denzel Washington starring in MbtS takes that film in a dozen new directions and elevates it to a possible Best Picture winner.

As mentioned earlier, this was not a strong Best Actor year, aside from Washington as the hands-down easy winner.  Even my alternate ballot is mostly “yeah, they were fine, but…” choices.  My second choice was actually Plemons for his fantastic against-type work in Other People.  Plemons is quietly building up a fascinating career, and just when you thought he was settling into a niche as a distinct character type, he throws this Other People curveball at us.  Between this movie, Fargo and then actually getting engaged to Kirsten Dunst, Plemons is on quite a roll.

Actual Oscar nominees: Arrival, Fences, Hacksaw Ridge, Hell Or High Water, Hidden Figures, La La Land, Lion, Manchester By The Sea, Moonlight
Actual Oscar winner: Moonlight

To recap the rules of the Markademy Award Best Picture race, the following seven films are the ones I consider to be the cream of the crop for 2016.  They all pass the personal ‘this is a worthy best picture’ bar within my head, as in if any of these seven had won the real Oscar, I would’ve been satisfied.  The top seven almost could’ve been two tiers since 5-7 were pretty set in my mind but the top four were all legit contenders for the #1 spot.  It took some rethinking and even rewatching to figure things out, and…

1. Everybody Wants Some!!
2. Moonlight
3. Hell Or High Water
4. Captain America: Civil War
5. La La Land
6. Fences
7. 20th Century Women

First, the latter half of the draw.  As mentioned, 20th Century Women could’ve easily gone on for another 30 hours in my perfect world.  La La Land has its share of haters and it seems like there was enough of a backlash to actually cause that instantly legendary Oscar upset, though I must say, I really enjoyed it.  Fences is powerful enough as a film, I can’t imagine having to see it within the confines of a live theatre performance.  It would like staring into a blast furnace.

As noted earlier, Civil War had a huge laundry list of tasks to accomplish and ran through them with the efficiency of Hawkeye at a target range.  We probably have to start considering the Captain America movies to be the best comic book movie franchise, right?  First Avenger good, Winter Soldier was phenomenal and now Civil War is just as good if not even better given the higher degree of difficulty.  The Marvel movies are starting to overlap to the extent that it’s hard to set the Cap films aside as their own unique entity, per se; is there really anyone who is a fan of just the Cap movies on their own?  As in, “yeah, I didn’t bother with Avengers or Iron Man, but I’m all in on Captain America!”  Could one even necessarily watch Winter Solider and Civil War without needing a bunch of explanation about who the hell all these other characters are?  This all aside, in terms of sheer quality, the Cap movies are running neck-and-neck with Nolan’s Batman trilogy.  This might be worth a post of its own some day.

Hell Or High Water is the most straight-forward film on the list, just a badass modern-day Western crime movie.  Actually, strike the modern-day….you could’ve set the film 100 years ago in the old west with downgraded technology and told more or less the same story.  It is just (“just”?) an extremely well-made movie that I feel will be immensely rewatchable.

Moonlight becomes the ninth Best Picture winner in the last 11 years to also show up as a Markademy Award nominee, and the second straight Best Picture winner to finish at #2 on my list.  Let’s note that, all things considered, Moonlight was the single most unlikely winner in Oscar history.  How often does the Academy recognize movies with all-minority casts, or movies about homosexuality, or very low-profile indie movies, or movies that barely make any money?  And then how often does the Academy recognize a movie that does all four of these things?  The "only" thing Moonlight had going for it was that it was an incredible film, garnering about as close to universal acclaim as any Best Picture winner in recent memory.

If there’s a theme to the top three on my list, it’s that the movies have open-ended conclusions that leave you wanting more.  (Civil War is technically inconclusive as well, though obviously the story will continue in the umpteen upcoming Marvel movies.)  What will happen with Chiron and Kevin?  Will Hamilton ever settle his score with Toby Howard?  And what will happen throughout the entirety of Jake’s college career, though admittedly, the stakes seem a bit lower in Everybody Wants Some!! than in the other films.  Especially since the answer is probably just, “more baseball and partying.”

Moonlight and HoHW show you the key moments in the characters’ lives and you just want to learn of the aftermath.  The beauty of EWS!! is that aside from the technical “starting point” of Jake coming to college, it’s absolutely structured as just a few days in the lives of these kids.  Richard Linklater is about as good as anyone at making slice-of-life movies, be it Boyhood, the Before movies or (especially) Dazed & Confused, this movie’s spiritual heir.  I’ve always felt that every generation needs its own “teenagers just hanging around” type of movie.  The 70’s had American Graffiti reflecting the 60’s, the 90’s had Dazed & Confused reflecting the 70’s and now we have EWS!! reflecting the early 80’s.  We’re about 20 years away from reflecting on the 90’s, which will officially make me an old man.

Like D&C, Everybody Wants Some!! is the kind of movie you can watch over and over without fail.  The cast perfectly captures the “dudes hanging around” aesthetic, the dialogue is smart in its stupidity, the 1980’s period art design is so on-point in every sense that even Stranger Things would have to tip its cap.  There’s so little space amongst my top four picks that any would’ve been a worthy winner, but as it stands, Everybody Wants Some!! is my Markademy Award winner.  It was a great enough film that I’m even willing to overlook the silly exclamation points.

Here are my other ‘best’ films of the year, the ones that fell short of Best Picture consideration but would get a “oh yeah, that was quite good” recommendation from yours truly.

8. Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping
9. Sing Street
10. Florence Foster Jenkins
11. Manchester By The Sea
12. Arrival
13. Into The Forest
14. A Bigger Splash
15. Julieta
16. Doctor Strange
17. The Nice Guys
18. The Witch
19. Lion
20. Maggie’s Plan
21. Silence
22. Other People
23. Rogue One, A Star Wars Story
24. Blue Jay
25. Christine
26. Ghostbusters
27. The Shallows

If you're wondering where the traditional "best scenes of the year" segment is, this year I spun it off into its own post.  Extra pageviews!

Sunday, February 26, 2017

The Best Movie Scenes Of 2016

The list of the year's best film scenes is usually saved for the annual Markademy Awards post, though thanks to some poor planning and timing on my part (plus the fact that the forthcoming Markademy post is already enormously long), you're getting it now.  Bonus content, yayyyy!

As always, these are the scenes that stuck in my head as particularly memorable or even great.  Some of these are extended sequences within a film, some are even simple one-liners.  Some scenes are particular highlights from great movies, others are the sole bright spot of otherwise dreadful films. 

35. Jackie speaks with the priest (Jackie)
34. "What does AEY stand for?" (War Dogs)
33. Jeannie’s massage (Mike & Dave Need Wedding Dates)
32. Marlon and Nemo meet the oyster (Finding Dory)
31. Mia’s audition (La La Land)
30. Conor says goodbye (A Monster Calls)
29. "Drive It Like You Stole It" (Sing Street)
28. Moana and Maui vs. the crab (Moana)
27. The story of the first McDonald’s (The Founder)
26. The Trinity confronts Doomsday (Batman vs. Superman: Dawn Of Justice)
25. The Inquisitor slumps down in his seat (Silence)
24. Sir James arrives (Love & Friendship)
23. The flamethrower battle with the bees (Popstar)
22. Deadpool tries to fight Colossus (Deadpool)
21. City Of Stars (La La Land)
20. Troy tells Rose about the new arrival (Fences)
19. Marla sings her song (Rules Don’t Apply)
18. Darth Vader boards the Rebel Alliance ship (Rogue One)
17. "What that i’twere so simple." (Hail Caesar!)
16. Doctor Strange figures out how to beat Dormammu (Doctor Strange)
15. Filming the "Riddle Of The Model" video (Sing Street)
14. "Toni Erdmann" shows up at the bar (Toni Erdmann)
13. Quicksilver evacuates the school (X-Men: Apocalypse)
12. Harry dances to "Emotional Rescue" (A Bigger Splash)
11. Marcus and Alberto try to order lunch (Hell Or High Water)
10. The Ghostbusters use their new gear against the ghosts invading Times Square (Ghostbusters)
9. Dealing with the sloths at the DMV (Zootopia)
8. "I thought that was a water truck!" (Captain America: Civil War)
7. Lee and Randi meet again (Manchester By The Sea)
6. Chiron and Kevin meet as adults (Moonlight)
5. Ines throws her birthday party (Toni Erdmann)
4. Marcus visits with the Dean (Indignation)
3. Gabe’s mom comes back as birch trees (Other People)
2.The "Help me get one more" sequence (Hacksaw Ridge)
1. Team Cap vs. Team Iron Man at the airport (Captain America: Civil War)

(Editor's note: I realize that #8 is technically part of #1, though it was such a good one-liner that it deserved to stand on its own.  Maybe the single funniest movie line of the year.  Good delivery, Rudd!)

Thursday, February 23, 2017

Hot! Live! Bruuuuuusic!

Dancing In The Dark
Okay, well, this is impressive and all, but MY last Mother's Day present involved a gift card at the Keg.  Take that, Bruce.  Anyone can dance with their mom (and sister) in front of thousands of people, but is that as good as a delicious steak?  The jury is still out!  Good thing for the video title, or else I'd just assume that Courteney Cox had aged horribly. 

Born In The USA (the whole album)
And hey, why stop at DitD when you realize that Bruce played the entire Born In The USA album during this concert?!  I dig the growing trend of an artist randomly playing one of their full records (or advertising it in advance, like U2's new Joshua Tree tour or Bruce's own recent River tour), and I enjoyed it myself when I got to see Pearl Jam play, of all things, Binaural start to finish.  Since BitU is one of my desert-island records, I would've been going bonkers realizing that Bruce was really doing the whole thing.  Bonkers, I tell you!

Tunnel Of Love
Aw man, I should've called this post 'Tunnel Of Live.'  Maybe I'll save it for my post all about live versions of Lightning Crashes, I Alone, The Dolphin's Cry, etc.  Expect that one to show up around 2059.

You Never Can Tell
I'm willing to accept that this isn't exactly the most complicated song to figure out on the fly, though I will NOT accept that this was a pre-arranged bit.  The E Street Band has too much integrity for that.  I've also seen Little Steven act before, and I don't think he could pretend to look quite that confused, so this seems legit.  

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Movie Reviewz

The Founder took kind of an interesting tack to differ from a lot of biopics.  It’s about 30% “the McDonald brothers were too small-time, and it took Ray Kroc’s vision to make McDonalds what it is,” and 70% “man, Ray Kroc was an ass.”  Sticking with the percentages, Michael Keaton played Kroc as a 33.3% split of Beetlejuice, Gil from the Simpsons and Dan Aykroyd’s character in Tommy Boy.  It was an okay movie and, admittedly, a pretty effective subliminal advertisement for McDonalds.  By the time it was over, I was starving for a burger. 


I was starving for Kleenex after seeing A Monster Calls since, after many years, we have another addition to the list of Movies That Made Mark Cry.  The others are…

1. E.T The Extra-Terrestrial, the scene when it looks like E.T. has died.  Eight-year-old Mark bought that one hook, line and sinker.

2. Rudy, the whole end sequence when Rudy finally gets to play.  This whole movie is corny as hell, but shut up!  I remember watching this with my family when I was a kid and we were all bawling.  Even watching it today, I get fired up by Jerry Goldsmith’s legendary score.

3. Up, the first 15 minutes.  Aside from possibly the ending of Old Yeller (which I’ve never seen), this very well might be the single most tear-inducing sequence in movie history.  I’ve never been in a theatre audience where virtually everyone was openly crying at the same time.*  And to have that sequence OPEN UP THE MOVIE?  That’s some sort of evil Pixar genius.  It just gut-punches you right from the get-go.

* = well, except for walking out of Batman vs. Superman.  “Why did we spend our money on that?  Wahhhhhh!”

Honourable mention: Rocky’s “my whole life is behind me” monologue in Creed, which had 39 years of movie history behind it and the single-best acting of Sly Stallone’s career.  I found myself getting a little misty-eyed but didn’t cry outright, so it didn’t quite count.

And now, there’s A Monster Calls, which is not a great movie overall but is basically specifically designed to make you weep.  It is impossible to watch the ending sequence with Felicity Jones in the hospital without thinking of one of your own loved ones.  Do not watch this one without a healthy amount of tissues nearby, or else you’ll have to use your popcorn bag like I did.  The butter burned my eyes! 


Spoilers ahead!

The twist ending of Split is technically not really a twist ending.  I mean, it does take place during the credits, after all; you can watch the entire movie proper and enjoy it as a stand-alone entity.  If anything, I was more impressed by M. Night Shyamalan’s very effective red herring of a twist — when we got the reveal of Kevin’s last name as ‘Crumb,’ I was fully expecting to learn that Casey’s name was actually K.C. and she (and everyone else in the film) was just another one of Kevin’s personalities.  This isn’t an uncommon twist ending for any multiple-personality storyline, so I was preparing myself to be disappointed having “figured it out,” only to be delighted at the actual final twist in the credits.

And hey, let’s give it up to Shyamalan for regaining some of his mojo.  That guy was in the tailspin of tailspins but this movie was legitimately good and “The Visit” even got some good reviews.  This could be a bigger comeback than Cavaliers/Warriors if Shyamalan is able to get back on track as a quality filmmaker.  Maybe it’ll take a full-fledged Unbreakable sequel to get it done.

Sunday, February 19, 2017

Paris, Last Century

From the Paris 1914 project (tip of the cap to the io9 website), we have this collection of colour photographs from Paris between 1907-1930.  If this doesn't make you want to drop everything and fly to France, I'm not sure what will....barring, y'know, a lack of money or free time.  I truly must visit Paris some time, as it is not only one of the world's great cities, but it's also my well-traveled parents' absolute favourite place to visit.  I once walked in on my dad watching Taken, and asked him if he would ever go on a rampage to save me if I was ever kidnapped by international sex slavery ring, and he happily said, "Sure!  Any excuse to go to Paris!"  That is some top-quality parenting right there.  I can only hope he would save the sightseeing until after I'd been rescued.  

Tuesday, February 14, 2017


While washing my hands in a McDonald's washroom today, an old guy walked in and began (unprompted) to talk at length about his recent prostate surgery.  So, my Valentine's Day could've been better.  I need some Outkast and Bruce to ease the pain!

Sunday, February 12, 2017

The Worst Movies Of 2016

Of all the dozens of films I watched in 2016, these were the bottom dozen.  Some outright terrible, a few more ‘really disappointing’ than bad due to higher expectations, but all in all, twelve movies you can feel safe in avoiding for the rest of your life.

12. Batman vs. Superman: Dawn Of Justice….As I wrote last March, the last hour or so of this movie is a legitimately entertaining battle, culminating in the cool moment of Superman, Batman and Wonder Woman all teaming up to take on Doomsday.  “But Mark,” you might ask, “if you enjoyed a whole hour of the movie, why does it still make your bottom 12?”  Because, hypothetical strawman question-asker, everything before that last hour was complete and total garbage.

11. Central Intelligence….Perhaps an important moment in cinema history, as it could mark the dual moment that both Kevin Hart and the Rock’s acts both started wearing thin at the same time.

10. Jason Bourne….In a way I feel like this film should be higher (lower?) on the list since it’s certainly the most pointless movie of 2016.  I think humanity as a whole had comfortably moved on from the Bourne franchise, with even the returns of Matt Damon and Paul Greengrass not enough to rouse much interest.  This was less a movie than it was a set of Jason Bourne madlibs.  “Bourne gets into a big chase in LAS VEGAS.  The word ‘Treadstone’ is mentioned SEVENTY-ONE times.”
9. I Saw The Light….Tom Hiddleston plays Hank Williams in a retread of every musical biopic you’ve ever seen.  Get this, as Hank becomes more famous, he starts to lose sight of his family!  And he develops a bad drinking problem!  This is completely unexplored territory!  I mean come on, “Walk Hard” already mocked all these cliches into the ground ten years ago.  All this was missing was a scene where Hank has a dream about his brother being cut in half.  It’s amazing that Hiddleston dated Taylor Swift and that somehow was only the second-most joyless country music-related experience of his year.

8. Mike & Dave Need Wedding Dates….Make no mistake, this is a very bad movie.  It does, however, have one scene that admittedly made me laugh, involving Kumail Nanjiani as a very thorough masseur.  I went to see Nanjiani perform a standup show a few months ago and, during his audience Q&A section, I almost considered asking him about this scene.  I ultimately decided against it for multiple reasons, including the fact that I didn’t want to admit to a crowded auditorium that I’d actually seen this film.

7. London Has Fallen….Your typical brainless action movie, made all the more brainless by the fact that the heroes win just about the most pyrrhic victory possible.  It’s one of those “well, the terrorists caused untold damage and killed several world leaders in an event that surely caused incalculable global political damage, but the main good guys survived, so yay, happy ending?!” types of movies.  If you’re upset at me for more or less spoiling the plot of London Has Fallen for you, then you need to get out more.

6. Masterminds….This one only ranks sixth on the master list, but #1 in the sub-category of Completely Unfunny Comedy Starring The Most Comic Actors Who Mark Usually Finds Hilarious.  The general rule of thumb for Zach Galifianakis is that he’s funny in any role aside from the “emasculated southern man” character that he insists on shoehorning into basically everything he does.
5. It’s Only The End Of The World….Speaking of actors I like in bad movies, this one has Marion “Mark’s Favourite Actor” Cotillard and it’s STILL in the bottom five.  This film seems like it’s always a hair away from becoming a spoof of a family melodrama where everyone is either openly yelling at each other or having emotionally-loaded conversations, except no, it’s actually just a family melodrama where everyone is either openly yelling at each other or having emotionally-loaded conversations.  Virtually the entire film is shot in closeups or medium closeups, to boot, since Xavier Dolan is a lousy director wants to make things as uncomfortable as possible for the audience. 

4. Demolition….With a nod to Peter Griffin’s review/dismissal of The Godfather, ”it insists upon itself” is easily the Family Guy line I use the most often in day-to-day life.  It is also the subject of another sub-category, the “Insists Upon Itself” award for movie that is way too impressed with its own pretensions.  I’m shocked that IOTEOTW didn’t take this award since Xavier Dolan probably has “Insists Upon Itself” tattooed across his chest, but Dolan didn’t reckon on a Jake Gyllenhaal movie where Jake mourns his dead wife by breaking things and writing customer complaint letters about a vending machine.  I was bitterly disappointed that this wasn’t a biopic about the old WWF tag team champions, with Gyllenhaal playing Ax and Naomi Watts playing Smash.

3. Suicide Squad….Whereas the studio heads behind the DC Comics movie universe can’t help micro-managing films about Batman and Superman, the thought was maybe they’d leave the lower-tier characters of the Suicide Squad alone and actually let the movie be good?  Oh, what a naive thought that was.  David Ayer has made good films before (Fury, End Of Watch) but he should be embarrassed for having directed such a sloppy movie.  From the editing to the terrible acting* to the incoherent story, this was honestly one of most amateurish movies I’ve ever seen.  It’s very easy to pile on the nonstop dreadfulness that is the DC Comics movie universe, but remember this, I was a childhood comic book nerd.  I *want* these movies to be good.  Why does DC insist on making this so hard?   

* = Margot Robbie seems to have escaped criticism but I include her in the ‘terrible acting’ category as well.  I’m not sure what character she was playing, but it wasn’t Harley Quinn.

2. Dirty Grandpa….In case you thought “Mike & Dave Need Wedding Dates” was going to be the only raunchy comedy on this list starring Zac Efron and Aubrey Plaza, think again.  This is less a comedy than it is humanity crying for help.  This film is the alpha and the omega of the “Anything For A Paycheque” era of Robert De Niro’s career.  The biggest laugh I got from this movie was my buddy Dave telling me he watched it with his parents. 

1. The Bronze….I thought about ranking this as the #3 movie just for the “Bronze in third place” joke but I can’t help but think that Dirty Grandpa and Suicide Squad are slightly better movies.  Just look at that sentence: “Dirty Grandpa and Suicide Squad are slightly better movies.”  I never thought I’d write such a thing but, here we are.

This might be the least-known entry on the list, so here’s a recap of the premise.  Imagine if Kerri Strug was a terrible person and had been leaching off her fame for the last 20 years.  End premise.  This is thin gruel for satire, and The Bronze manages to make the least of it.  It’s one of those jokeless comedies that is so convinced that its premise is so inherently funny that it doesn’t feel the need to stoop to actually getting laughs.  It’s 90 minutes of Melissa Rauch acting like the worst person on earth before a (spoiler alert) Mr. Burns-style change of heart has her back in everyone’s good graces by the movie’s end.

Acting awards!

Worst Actor: Robert De Niro, Dirty Grandpa
Worst Actress: Melissa Rauch, The Bronze
Worst Supporting Actress: Nathalie Baye/It’s Only The End Of The World
Worst Supporting Actor: Jesse Eisenberg/Batman vs. Superman
Worst Supporting Actor: Jesse Eisenberg/Batman vs. Superman…this wasn’t a mistaken duplicate, I just think Eisenberg was so bad that he deserves two awards.

Thursday, February 09, 2017

The Chicken Family

When I was a little kid, my family went to upstate New York once for one of my brother’s hockey tournaments.  We’re all staying in a little motel on a Saturday afternoon, nothing to do but watch local TV, which is always amazing.  Between cheesy low-budget ads to really esoteric topics* on the area news, nothing beats local TV.

* = "Mrs. Gertrude Johnson scored four bingos in a row at the church’s local bingo night!  Those in attendance…were impressed!"

I’m like eight or nine years old at this point, so I’m watching cartoons.  And all throughout the afternoon, the station kept running promos for the fact that Looney Tunes was coming up at 4pm.  Like, it was clearly a BIG DEAL for this station had the rights to Looney Tunes or something, or else they saw him as the absolute staple of its Saturday afternoon TV block.  I have no idea about syndication costs or if it really was impressive that this little small-town station scraped together enough cash to pay for the rights to these cartoons, but honestly, eight-year-old me wasn’t impressed.  It’s like fine, Bugs Bunny, we get it.  Could we not have a promo pop up on the screen every five minutes to remind me of a program coming up three hours from now?  It’s interfering with my Transformers-watching.

And those promos, I remember them to this day.  One of them, especially, I remember to this day.  They all had a gimmick related to different Looney Tunes characters.  Like, it’d be a picture of Sylvester with the caption "The Cat Family," and another caption saying "Looney Tunes at 4pm, sufferin’ succotash!"  Or it’d be Bugs Bunny and "The Rabbit Family — Looney Tunes at 4pm, don’t go any-hare!"  Pepe Le Pew and "The Skunk Family — Looney Tunes at 4pm, you’d have to be a stinker to change that channel!"  On and on like this for every character in the Looney Tunes family.

But, the one I distinctly remember was the Foghorn Leghorn promo.  It was, and I quote, “The Chicken Family — Looney Tunes at 4pm, you won’t be able to finger yourself away from the TV!

Even at age eight, I knew something was a bit off about that one.  "Finger yourself away from the TV…" isn’t a normal human phrase.  That’s not something people say.  Outside of the term we’re all thinking, the only other uses for ‘fingering’ in any context are piano-playing, pickpocketing, and identifying someone in a police lineup.  The promo used in the context of removing oneself or preventing oneself from doing something, which makes no sense.  Have you ever heard someone say "I left a steak on the counter and my dog was headed right for it, but fortunately I was able to finger him away in time."

All of the other puns were pretty straight-forward, whereas this one seemed a bit too laboured.  It had all the makings of a promo guy trying to fit a dirty joke in there and then explaining to his boss, "No no, it’s about chicken fingers!  Foghorn Leghorn, obviously, he’s a chicken.  You can make chicken fingers out of him!  Don’t you see?!"

More and more people are cutting the cord these days or avoiding TV altogether, which is a shame since we always need local stations.  Where else will you find out how the local high school football team did, or who’s running for mayor, or what this summer’s big musical at the local theatre is, or, sure, even how Gertrude did at bingo night?  In losing local TV, we lose the incredible unintentional comedy (or, in this case, come on-that’s-gotta-be-intentional comedy) of local TV.

The promo is even funnier, by, the way, if you read it in Foghorn Leghorn’s voice.  Admittedly, everything is funnier if you read in Foghorn Leghorn's voice.