The Seam

Driving in Toronto is not quite the chaotic apocalypse that it's made out to be, and personally, I've only seen the R.E.M. "Everybody Hurts" scenario play out three times on the Gardiner.  That said, it can definitely get a bit hairy driving around the city unless you know a few shortcuts, know when to avoid certain streets and if you have a mystical knowledge of The Seam.

I'll explain.  I live in the Corktown area of Toronto, which doubles as one of the city's more convenient traffic nexus points.  I say convenient since I have easy access to the DVP, the Gardiner, Lakeshore, the Broadview extension and Mt. Pleasant Road, not to mention my most-traveled roads, the two one-way streets of Richmond and Adelaide.  The one-ways are particularly convenient since they're usually "slightly" less congested than the regular roads and they get me either right into the heart of downtown (in Richmond's case) or provide me with relatively clear passage out of the downtown traffic madness (i.e. Adelaide).  Of course, this isn't always true since Adelaide always seems to have a lane shut down due to building construction and Richmond attracts that unique class of moron who decides to cut over two lanes to turn left onto University but, be that as it may.

And yet, Richmond also has the The Seam.  I dare to even whisper its name lest the power be lost, but surely what's the point in having a legend if nobody ever tells it?  At a certain time of day, when traffic is just light enough, it's possible to drive down Richmond and get nothing but green lights.  Oh, it's true.  And the stunning part is, The Seam occurs during rush hour --- which in Toronto is closer to three hours.  It's just that the road seems weirdly clear during this particular stretch of time, thus making it possible for your car to magically coast from just east of Parliament to right downtown in under five minutes. 

I discovered The Seam when making one of my typically last-minute dashes to the movies.  I'm the sort who will decide he wants to attend a 6:40 film screening at, say, 6:30, and then have to haul ass out the door.  This is the one time when I'm glad for the 10-15 minute barrage of ads and trailers that preclude every movie, but still, my timing can still be cut close given traffic conditions. 

In this case I was going to the Scotiabank Theatre downtown, so the assignment was Corktown to Richmond/John in roughly 10 or 15 minutes.  It's only a little over three km on Google Maps but still, time was tight and it was rush hour.  I hopped onto Richmond and suddenly, it's my car was on a cloud.  Green light after green light after green light, and nary a traffic slowing to be found.  Astoundingly, I found myself sitting down in the theatre not even 10 minutes after I'd left my front door.  It was the closest human equivalent to getting a star in Super Mario Kart.

You might argue that this was a one-time occurrence and just plain luck, but NOPE.  It happened again a few weeks later, same time, same incredible stretch of green lights.  It's now gotten to the point where I try to time my driving 'exactly' around The Seam to take full advantage, though you need absolute pinpoint accuracy.  I'm probably not going to ever become a NASCAR driver* but I daresay that finding the exact instant to catch The Seam is an equivalent.

* = probably 

So anyway, in case you're wondering when exactly The Seam begins and when you should aim for it yourself, uh, well, I'm not going to say.  TS for you.  Dude, surely you realize that if I encourage more drivers, that will ruin the whole point of The Seam.  It's just common sense!  "So then, what was the point of this entire post, Mark?"  Bragging, mostly.

Bluthfighter

Ok, so Tobias gets Carl Weathers and GOB gets Tony Wonder (which is even funnier in the wake of the fourth season's plotline).  The other doubles, presumably, are....

* George = Oscar
* Buster = Lucille 2
* George Michael = Ann
* Maeby = Mort Meyers or Surely Funke
* Lucille = kind of a tougher one, maybe Gene Parmesan, Lupe, Barry Zuckercorn or just a giant bottle of liquor
* Michael = Uh, ghost of his dead wife Tracey?
* Lindsay = Uh, Marky Bark?  Tobias, but in costume as Mrs. Featherbottom?
 

Discussing "The Wrestler"

If you haven't seen "The Wrestler," then ignore this post entirely since it contains major spoilers.  Also, if you haven't seen "The Wrestler," then go see it immediately since it's awesome.  It's one of my absolute favourite films of the last decade, a great ode to old-time pro wrestling and the story of a man trying to recapture a bit of value in his life.  Mickey Rourke delivers a pantheon acting performance in this movie, and as good as Sean Penn was in "Milk" that same year, Rourke deserved the Oscar.  You can know jack-all about wrestling and still find The Wrestler a completely enthralling, moving (if not exactly uplifting) story.

But anyway, rave review aside, let's talk about the ending.  Oh my god, the ending.  Just like in any great wrestling bout, the biggest move comes at the finish.  Randy the Ram is going ahead with his last match, despite the fact that his heart condition is poor enough that wrestling even once more will probably kill him.  He's met backstage before the match by his semi-girlfriend Cassidy (Marisa Tomei, also terrific in this movie by the way) who tries to talk him out of it, but Randy has made up his mind and Cassidy can't bear to watch.

So Randy wrestles, starts feeling ill and yet continues on.  He goes ahead with the planned finish --- his big signature move, the "Ram Jam" diving double fistdrop off the top rope.  It's more or less outright stated that Randy will kill himself by performing this move in his condition but dammit, Randy is going ahead with it.  He gets on the top turnbuckle, looks to the arena entranceway and just sees the curtains hanging there limply.  As the film's score swells, Randy takes the leap off the ropes in slow-motion, the screen fades to white and then Bruce Springsteen's epic soundtrack title song begins playing.  Talk about an affecting scene.  And Springsteen's song didn't even get nominated for an Oscar, good lord.

The reason I'm bringing this up is due to a recent conversation with my buddy Dave.  The topic of this movie came up and we were both raving about it, though we had totally different interpretations.

It all centered around that shot of the entrance curtains.  My interpretation was that this shot was entirely symbolic.  The arena entrance is, essentially, the gates of heaven in this context, and Randy is seeing them on the horizon since he's about to leap off the top rope (and to his death).  Of course, in Randy's mind, the gates of heaven look like a wrestling entranceway.  To him, St. Peter probably also looks a lot like Mean Gene Okerlund.

Dave's interpretation was much simpler --- Randy is simply looking one last time to see if Cassidy is still there, and when she isn't, he goes through with it and jumps.  Despite Randy's tough talk earlier about putting the match first, he really does love her and had she appeared, he likely would've stopped on the spot and gotten medical attention.  With no Cassidy, however, Randy felt he had nothing left to live for and thus he Ram Jammed himself into oblivion.

Now, it's very possible we're both right since naturally there are a thousand ways to "read" a movie.  As a former film student, I spun many an interpretation of countless movies in my undergrad days…of course, my takes were all brilliant and correct but some of my classmates' interpretations, woo boy, were they out there!  I think I might have a point with my theory due to the camerawork.  It's kind of a sudden cut, from the emotion and action in the ring and Randy's facial expressions to this somewhat flat shot of the curtains.  It's almost like it's taking place in a different world, a.k.a. the afterlife.  Then again, it's also very possible that my artsy-fartsy film student training is making me over-think a pretty straightforward ending and Dave is on the money with his Occam's Razor reading of the end scenes.

Anyway, for those of you who saw the movie, am I totally out of to lunch or did some of you happen to interpret Randy's end in the same fashion?  Also, if it turns out that heaven does resemble a wrestling arena, then my years of watching WWF as a kid are really going to pay off.  I'll get up there and go, "Well, ya know somethin' Saint Peter…"

NP F'N H

So yeah, Neil Patrick Harris should just host everything.  Why are the Oscars piddling around with the Francos and Macfarlanes of the world when NPH is available?  Can Billy Crystal jump through a hula hoop at his age?  Highly doubtful.

Raptor Rebranding

So the Raptors might be changing their team name.  Sad day.  It's an especially tough blow to my buddy Eric, who wore an ENORMOUS Toronto Raptors cap in his Grade 9 class picture and was then referred to in some quarters as "The Rap-Tor" for all of high school.  And yes, with that specific pronunciation.

For as much flack as the club takes for naming their club after an early-1990's movie, "Raptors" really isn't that terrible a name.  It's not like a velociraptor ever stopped being vicious or cool dinosaurs.  And compared to a lot of trendy modern team names, "Raptors" holds up pretty well. 

* Texans?  That's just the name of your state!  Try harder!
* Avalanche?  Yeah, name your team after a murderous natural disaster. 
* Hurricanes?  Yeah, name your team after a murderous weather condition. 
* Lightning?  Yeah, name your team after a murderous weather condition.
* Thunder?  Yeah, name your team after a perfectly harmless weather condition.
* Heat?  Yeah, name your team after a potentially harmful weather condition unless you have air conditioning or don't sweat profusely, a la mysel….UH, OTHER PEOPLE.
* Wild?  Good lord. 
* Mighty Ducks?  Jesus wept.  Also, I've written this before, but "Ducks" becomes 100 percent cooler if it was adopted by a Minnesota hockey team, a la the movie.  Hell, even "Minnesota Mighty Ducks" works in this context.  If you had a team called the Minnesota Mighty Ducks and they wore this jersey full-time, I'd be all in, Leafs fandom be damned.

But anyway, if the team does change their name, the obvious name is Towers.  I've been pushing this since 1994.  Basketball players are TALL!  Like a tower!  And Toronto has a famous tower!  It fits so darn well!  That said, the leading contender seems to be "Huskies," after both Toronto's original NBA franchise from the 1940's and from Oliver Miller's body type.  If Huskies or TOWERS don't get the nod, however, I have a few more ideas.

Toronto LOLcats
Toronto Lakers
Toronto Dunkasaurs
Toronto Fresh Starts
Toronto Fast Toronto Furious
Toronto Degrassis
Toronto 67ers
Toronto Streetcars
Toronto Hipster Guys With Neckbeards Who Play A Bit Of Guitar
Toronto Laughingstocks
Toronto Charm Offensives
Toronto Leaf Maples
Toronto Gardiners
Toronto Ball
Toronto Trick Questions
Toronto Stroumboulopoulos
Toronto Transit
Toronto More Like 'Ass' Transit, Am I Right?
Toronto Expiring Contracts
Toronto Casa Lomas
Toronto Yorks
Toronto …..
Toronto Thought Process
Toronto Roughriders
Toronto Hopeless Romantics
Toronto OWWWWWWWWWW
Toronto El Mocambos
Toronto Ghost Players
Toronto 4Chans
Toronto Supersonics
Toronto Eric Koreens
Toronto AlarmForce
Toronto Crack Mayors
Toronto Tweets
Toronto Basketballers
Toronto Condominiums
Toronto Hey Remember That Time Vince Carter Won The Dunk Contest And The Team Was Relevant, That Was Pretty Cool, Wasn't It?
Toronto Huss Keys
Toronto Husqvarna
Toronto Key Husks
Toronto Five Guys
Toronto Gamechangers
Toronto Indignity
Toronto Kings Of The North (uh, maybe not after last week's episode…)
Toronto Wrongbars
Toronto Wrongteams
Toronto Hornets
Toronto Steamwhistles
Toronto YYZ
Toronto Rap-Tors
Toronto Rip-rap-rip-a-dee-doo
Toronto Hakeem Olajuwons

Tim Duncan & The Spurs

I was briefly a San Antonio Spurs fan.  Or, wait, to be specific, I was a Dale Ellis fan.  Back in my old vintage Nintendo NBA game, I often played as the Milwaukee Bucks since Ellis had a ridiculous three-point setting in the game, my strategy was to just pass out to Ellis on the wings and just have him bomb at will.  This led to me finally (FINALLY) beating my brother in the game, since he always played as the Bulls like a front-running jackass, and the win was clinched with an Ellis three-pointer at the buzzer.

So anyway, due to this game, I became a Dale Ellis fan and thus switched my NBA allegiance to whichever team he was playing for at that particular time.  As it happened, Ellis was a journeyman, so I traded NBA loyalties more often than a Kardashian.

By the time the NES game was released, Ellis had already left the Bucks and had gone to San Antonio, where he played from 1992 to 1994.  So yeah, boom, Spurs fan.  Following Ellis briefly made me a fan of the Nuggets, SuperSonics, Bucks again and then the Hornets.  Though really, by that time, I'd stopped caring, so I didn't get the chance to get one of those sweet Hornets Starter jackets.  You'll notice that none of these teams were exactly big playoff threats in the 1990's (at least not while Ellis was there) so yeah, some pretty lean years.  This is what I get for letting my fandom be decided by a video game.  I'm lucky I didn't end up rooting for the LA Clippers since they, like Kirby in Kirby's Dreamland, alternated between sucking and blowing for years.

But hey, since I was ONCE a Spurs fan, I'm allowed to root for them to win the NBA title, right?  I've always had a soft spot for this team, even in their "boring" years, since they just seemed like a solid, no-frills unit.  It helped that Gregg Popovich is hilarious (check out his section in the "Overlords" section of this Grantland article) but mostly, it was because the Spurs had Tim Duncan.  And I love Tim Duncan.

I wrote this last year…

Back when the Spurs had a 2-0 lead over the Thunder in the NBA semi-finals, I was preparing a Tim Duncan vs. Kobe Bryant discussion post that would've essentially argued that Duncan was the greater player of the two.  'Greater' is a nebulous term, of course, but my case would've been that if you were drafting an all-time team, you'd take Duncan first because of his incredible talent, his equal-to-Kobe championship caliber (San Antonio could've won its fifth ring in Duncan's tenure this spring), the fact that it's general basketball principle to always take a star big man over a star guard and the fact that Duncan's intangibles as a completely stable personality and a superb teammate counter Kobe's nonstop moody drama.

Then, however, the Spurs got blitzed by Oklahoma City and knocked out of the playoffs, meaning that unless San Antonio marshals its resources for another unlikely run in one of the next two years, this was probably Duncan's last chance at a fifth title.  Kobe's five rings to Duncan's four, plus his superior counting stats, will probably give Bryan the duke over the Dunc for all time.  But man, I dunno, I think I'd still rather take Duncan.  I'm admittedly biased since Tim Duncan is one of my favourite athletes due to his overwhelming normality.  (The Onion has made a small cottage industry out of stories about Duncan being a nice, bland, do-gooder.)

I stand by the argument that if you're drafting a TEAM, you take Duncan since he can fit in with anyone, whereas Kobe is a tougher nut to crack.  I posited this argument to a few people and the consensus was that they'd rather have Kobe "since he's a guy who will make his own shot."  It's a good debate.  Man, maybe I should've written this post.  Damn you, Kevin Durant and your holy-crap-they-are-beating-the-Spurs ways.

It's completely true.  Say what you will about Bill Simmons' "pantheon of basketball," but I wholly stand by his assertion that Tim Duncan is the seventh-best player in NBA history, behind only the unquestioned tippy-top sextet of Jordan, Russell, Chamberlain, Magic, Bird and Kareem.  I think everyone would agree that those are the best six ever, just a question of what order you'd rank them.  (In fairness, LeBron will make this a septet if he keeps doing what he's doing for a few more years.)  And then, kicking off the second tier of all-time legends, there's Duncan, Mr. Consistency himself.

Joe Posnanski's recent Duncan profile for NBCSports.com is chock full of cool little understated Duncan anecdotes and what I liked most about this piece is that I'd never heard any of these before.  The "good, better, best" rhyme seems familiar but otherwise, this was all new to me.  Hearing ANY kind of Duncan anecdote is revelatory since the guy is such a closed book and so keeps to himself.

How can you not root for a guy like this?  How can you not root for Duncan to capture a fifth ring and top the cavalcade of (admittedly superbly skilled) nonsense that is the Miami Heat?  It's ridiculous that beating the Heat would make some people finally take note of Duncan given that, y'know, the guy has four rings already and is already an all-timer but whatever, I somewhat doubt Duncan stays up at nights refreshing his Google Reader for complimentary articles about himself.

So in summation, I'm picking the Heat to win the title in six games since, c'mon. But I'm HOPING the Spurs can pull this off and win their fifth crown. That would be awesome. Duncan deserves it. The spirit of Dale Ellis deserves it.

Under Pressure, A Cappella

Y'know, "Under Pressure" is one of my karaoke/Rock Band standards due to the fact that my voice sounds kind of like a combination of Freddie Mercury and David Bowie ("...he said arrogantly").  Now, KIND OF is the key phrase here, since obviously, these guys could sing me under a table and then break the table leg off into a sharp shard and stab me into oblivion.  Observe.

Monty Python's Hearing Aid Sketch

Even some of the most hardcore Python fans aren't aware of "the German episodes," two episodes of largely-new material that the group produced for German television in the 1970's.  The first of these eps was actually entirely written and performed in German, which is a hell of a thing given that most members of the troupe actually didn't speak German; imagine the SNL cast entirely performing an episode in Spanish or something.

Anyway, these episodes have become the comedy equivalent of a great band releasing a B-sides collection that contains a few of their best songs.  To wit, the hearing aid sketch, which is to Monty Python as "Hey Hey What Can I Do" is to Led Zeppelin.

 

Random Nonsense

Sorry I haven't been posting as much lately.  I've been busy with my new job at a keyboard-manufacturing plant!  I'm working as a seqwerty guard.

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The awesome, outstanding, mind-blowing Scale Of The Universe website.  It might be, dare I say, the coolest site in the universe and it's certainly a great way to kill a half-hour.  It also helped settle a bet for me, since I correctly said that Kanye West's ego was, in fact, larger than Alpha Centauri.

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I overheard a peculiar heckle from the stands at a recent soccer game.  A player had, ahem, 'been fouled' and was now down on the turf, clutching his ankle and looking for all the world like he had just stepped into a bear trap.  Of course, after a brief visit from the trainer and a stroll to the sidelines, the injured player was up and running again with no issue within two minutes.

While the player was down, however, one fan yelled the following: "you cry like a taint!"

For the uninitiated, the "taint" is slang for the area between your rectum and your genitals, and I believe the term originated in a Conan O'Brien SNL sketch.  Calling someone a taint is a perfectly legitimate insult, and "you cry like a…" is an insult as old as the form itself.  What doesn't make sense, however, is why these two have been combined into one confusing taunt.  After all, taints don't cry (also the title of a very rare and unsuccessful early single from The Cure).

So why a taint taunt?  Perhaps it related to the fact that the player was, as noted, milking this injury to try and draw a booking or to just give himself a minute of rest during the game.  Since these kinds of dives are frowned upon, it could be argued that the player was "tainting" the sport, and thus the fan used the term in this context while also using the subjective form to associate it with the more common insult.  Wordplay.  Brilliant.

Forget what I said, this fan is clearly a wordsmith. 

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Here's another quirk of language.  If you say "oh, my mind was a million miles away" when you're daydreaming or something, you could alternatively say "my mind was 1000 miles away," or "100 miles away," or even "my mind was a mile away" and these would all mean the same thing.

Though if you said, "my mind is 1000 taints away," that would be just weird.  And gross.

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The new edition of 'Between Two Ferns,' which also just happens to be the Lonely Island's new video.  I've got to say, I don't quite remember spring break in the same way, but I'm forgetting things in my old age.  Let me ask my husband, he'll know.

Development Day

Sorry Mitch Hurwitz, I'm going to binge-watch them.  I'll watch the episodes in order, obviously, but yeah, I'm so eager for a new Arrested Development season that I will happily set aside six straight hours to devour the entire thing.  In fact, it won't even be my first AD marathon of the week, as I've spent much of my recent free time catching up on the initial 53 episodes.  Some observations after this rewatch…

* This show is really, really great.  It's in the sitcom pantheon.  I'm happy to say that though it's been a few years since I've seen these episodes, they all still hold up and I'm still as much in awe of the writing as ever.  You can make a legit case that this is the funniest show of all time, especially since its relatively short run actually enhances that argument since AD never lost steam in later seasons a la virtually every other comedy on television.  This is probably the reason why AD, of all cult hits, actually did get revived after all these years.  Fans didn't just love it as a cult classic; I think everyone knew that Arrested Development was something truly special and in need of cultivation for as long as possible.

* To that end, it's the rare show without ANY dud episodes.  All 53 were gems.  For years I considered that "S.O.B.s" was probably the worst of the bunch since it got just a bit too self-referential, and yet even watching it again yesterday, it's hardly a bad or unfunny episode by any means.  It also occurred to me that saying, "I don't care for S.O.B.s" can be uttered in the same tone as Lucille saying, "I don't care for GOB," so I'm going to keep considering it my least-favourite episode for that reason alone.

* I did, in fact, eat a banana while watching the old episodes.  A peanut butter-and-banana sandwich, in fact.  There's always money in peanut butter-and-banana sandwiches.

* If Dev Patel were ever to get arrested, this would be the ideal weekend to do it and fly totally under the radar.  Any #ArrestedDev tweets would be totally buried on Twitter.

* Judy Greer playing unattractive is a stretch, but then again, GOB's attractiveness radar was pretty skewed, so perhaps it was just his opinion and Kitty wasn't supposed to be 'ugly' in the world of the show.  Since, c'mon, it's Judy Greer.  Even with crossed eyes.

* And while I'm being shallow, original Marta >>>> long-term Marta.

* Funniest running gag I'd forgotten about: whenever a group of police/security is tackling George or Oscar, one cop always runs in late with the knockout baton shot.

* Two great lists of hidden or subtle gags within Arrested Development.  I just watched this damn show again and STILL missed about half of these.  The one about GOB's Segway always leading to plot segues is mind-blowing.

* A whole lot of "hey, it's…." actors who weren't as famous (or famous at all) during the original airings yet have gone onto great things in the last seven years.  I think basically all of the major Upright Citizens Brigade cast show up, a few Office cast members (Phyllis Smith and Brian "Kevin" Baumgartner), Family Guy voice actors and, most surprisingly for me, Jonathan Penner from Survivor.  He and Kevin McDonald from "Kids In The Hall" are the two cops interviewing Michael on Take Your Daughter To Work Day.  Penner can't trick any information out of Michael, so whether it's on Survivor or Arrested Development, Penner's plans simply don't work.

* In the spirit of the Simpsons lines I use on a daily basis, it's worth noting that quite a bit of AD dialogue has permeated my everyday language.  To wit...

"Baby, you've got a stew going!"
"Her?"
"I don't understand the question and I won't respond to it."
"You're going to get some hop-ons."
"…the guy in the $5000 suit!"
"Pop-Pop gets a treat?"
"Well, let's hope it doesn't come to that."
"I'm…white…"
"Ahhhh, Gene Parmesan!"
"I just want my kids back."
"Huzzah!"
"Say goodbye to THESE!"
"Take a good look, it's the last time you'll see these!"
"That's why you always leave a note!"
"What is she, funny?"
"Illusion.  A trick is something a whore does for money."
"…with club sauce!"
"There's always money in the banana stand, tsk tsk."
"Steve Holt!"
"It's a wonderful restaurant!"  "It sure is!"
"This party is going to be off, the hook!"
"No touching!"
"The mere fact that you call making love 'pop-pop' tells me that you're not ready."
"Some….light….treason."
"We finish each other's…."  "…sandwiches?"
"You can always tell a Milford man."
"Come on!"
"He said some wonderful things."
"But where did the lighter fluid come from?!"
"I've got the worst f***ing attorneys."
"You were just a turd out there….Just a, a turd."
"Go fatty."
"I don't know who that is, and I don't care to find out."
"Look at banner, Michael!"
"I never should've given up animation rights."
"It walked on my pillow!"
"I buy all my cars at police auctions."
"Beads."  "Bees?!"  "Beads!"
"Let the great experiment begin!"
"Annyong."
"If that's a veiled criticism of me, I won't hear it and I won't respond to it."
"Oh, most definitely."
"I'm sorry, your wife is dead!…I'm sorry, that was 100 percent inappropriate of me."
"Daddy horny, Michael."
"And I'm the laaaaaaaaaaast…."
"Douche chillllllll….."
"I'M A MONSTER!"
"I've made a huge mistake."