Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Replacements For Steve Carell

So the word on the street is that Steve Carell is leaving the Office after next season. Boo-urns. Under ideal circumstances this would mean the show was going off the air as well, since it started showing its age last season and it'd be hard to continue without its signature star. But, this is NBC. Their ratings are in the toilet across the board. They're not going to let one of their few hits go without wringing every last bit of profit out of it, and apparently the Office producers are keen to continue as well. So now the task is to find a new boss character that will have to somehow fill Carell's giant shoes and create their own unique character that won't be immediately dismissed as a poor man's Michael Scott.

The ideas? Well, I have a few --- some realistic, some not. Am I costing myself money by not offering them to NBC in private for a massive consulting fee? Probably. Though the last time I offered consultation to a major company, it didn't go very well. My plan to install fireworks on the BP oil wells to celebrate Bart Simpson's birthday didn't go nearly as well as I'd planned.

14. Ed Helms
This might be the simplest option, since rather than 'replacing' Carell, the producers could just elevate one of the current actors to the boss role rather than trying to fit a new actor into the picture. Andy is pretty much the only major character who hasn't been a boss already; Jim was co-manager, Ryan was a VP, Pam pretty much runs things anyway, and we've seen enough of Dwight's megalomania to know exactly how he'd operate as the regional manager. The downside is that Helms is appearing in more and more films thanks to his Hangover success, so depending on what his contract situation is like, he could be itching to leave too.

13. Jenna Fischer
Okay, while Pam has run things running behind the scenes for years at DM, she hasn't actually gotten a crack at the top spot officially. It would be a nice final touch to her character arc to complete the rise from secretary to manager. The downside (with Helms as well as with Fischer) is that I'm not sure what fresh stories could be generating by taking one of the major characters and promoting them upwards.

12. Conan O'Brien

Oh man, can you imagine the ratings?

11. Jay Leno
What NBC would actually do. I probably shouldn't joke about this, an NBC executive is probably on the phone as we speak.

10. Stephen Colbert
Carell was on for seven years, and thus it's only fair to give Colbert seven years in charge of Dunder-Mifflin as well. Then things will be even stephven. Obviously this casting choice has no chance of happening, but it's amusing that Colbert could pretty much just shift his talk show persona over to a fictional show without missing a beat.

9. Amy Sedaris
From one "Strangers With Candy" cast member to another, and this one is actually a realistic suggestion. You don't even need a hook here. Just cast her and let her go all Amy Sedaris over everyone's ass. Special cameo appearance by David Sedaris as Oscar's new boyfriend.

8. Jimmy James/Dave Nelson

Not Stephen Root and Dave Foley per se, but rather their characters from the late, great, 'Newsradio.' Bring them the hell back. It's easy to explain; Jimmy wins Dunder-Mifflin in a bet and then installs his most trusted manager to run the place. NBC gets a new comedy duo at the head of their top sitcom and they can probably also sell some 'Newsradio' DVDs in the process.

7. Zach Woods
Who? He's the guy playing Gabe, the 'stick insect' Sabre representative who is kinda sorta supervising the office already, though it's unclear as to what the chain of command actually is at Dunder-Mifflin or what his responsibilities actually are (which several workers have taken advantage of already). By actually putting Gabe in charge, this continues the joke and also neatly sidesteps the problem of having someone actually replace Carell, as in the Andy scenario. Two problems: one, the whole concept of the Office franchise is a goofy boss making life miserable for the employees. By totally minimizing the boss and focusing on the employees themselves, that shifts the focus of the show. Though, to be fair, you could argue that the U.S. Office has done enough to make the entire ensemble so off-beat that Michael was less outlandishly goofy than he was an inmate in charge of an asylum. The second problem is that Zach Woods is by far the least-known name on this list. I can see the fans and media criticizing him 'taking over' for Carell, even if the role is being specifically minimized. That's not fair to a talented guy like Woods, who was terrific in the funniest movie of 2009, In The Loop.

6. Jon Hamm
Obviously this isn't happening given that "Mad Men" is expected to continue past this upcoming season. But really, Hamm isn't as odd a choice as you'd think. He wouldn't need to play Don Draper --- if you've seen his SNL hosting gigs or his guest stints on 30 Rock, Hamm can play comedy quite well. Actually, the vibe could be like 'Don Draper takes over DM' to begin with, but eventually Hamm's true goofy personality would develop. It'd be like an advanced version of Idris Elba's role on the show; he went from being a no-nonsense Stringer Bell type to eventually developing Charles Minor as a soccer-loving suck-up.

5. Michael Emerson

Ok, I originally had him further down the list as another semi-joke entry, but the more I thought about it, the more I've talked myself into it. It was funny enough seeing Stringer Bell temporarily take over for Michael, so why not another infamous TV villain boss? Emerson is a naturally funny guy who actually specialized in stage comedy before becoming the notorious Ben Linus. He was also responsible for about 40 percent of the dry, witty lines ever uttered in LOST's history, so the mockumentary style should suit him just fine. Man, I'm getting more fired up by this idea the more I write about it. Even better, Emerson is like, 5'1, so seeing him sandwiched between giants like Rainn Wilson and John Krasinski is a funny image in and of itself.

4. Amy Poehler
With "Parks & Recreation" struggling in the ratings and possibly in danger of getting canceled after next season, Greg Daniels might just decide to merge his two major shows and contrive a way to bring the Pawnee, Indiana team to Scranton. Actually, wait, if this happens...

3. Nick Offerman
Yeah, forget about Leslie Knope. As funny as Poehler could be as the Office boss, Ron F'in Swanson would be even better.

2. Variety show
That's right, when faced with a tough decision, the Office producers decide to just let everyone do it! One of the running storylines on the show for years has been how Michael is uniquely served to be manager of this particular office, and that joke could be continued by having a revolving door of various managers on for short stints to show that Dunder-Mifflin's bunch of characters can only be managed by one man. This idea would actually allow pretty much all of my suggestions to be viable, if for only an episode or two each. It also then creates a natural scenario for the series finale of Michael being rehired and Dunder-Mifflin continuing on its merry existence forever.

1. Ricky Gervais

This is pretty much the only possible casting choice that Office fans wouldn't just accept, but probably embrace. Would Gervais ever do it? Well, no, he's too busy making films. But still, the concept of Gervais wrapping off the entire Office universe with one final performance of his signature character would be beyond amazing. He and Stephen Merchant are still executive producers of the US Office and once wrote an episode, so it's not like they're totally removed from their spinoff. The idea of David Brent being inserted into the Dunder-Mifflin world is, in a word, brilliant.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Werner Herzog's Children's Books

Imagine if brilliant/crazy film director Werner Herzog (the kind of man who shrugs off being shot during TV interviews) narrated children's books. Or, at least, someone on YouTube who's doing a Herzog impression. I could hear him say "Vere's Valdo" all day and never not find it funny.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

TV Year In Review

I did a season-in-review type of deal last December for the shows that finished up before 2009 was out, so if I ever don't go into detail about a program on this list, that's because it's covered in this post. Anyway, the gimmick here is simple: all 28 of the shows I watched in depth this season, ranked from my least-favourite to my favourite. Boom!

First, here are the shows I fully intend to watch but haven't gotten around to it yet.

* It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia. I just recently got into this show and have only watched through the third season. S1 was solid, S2 was a bit shaky since I felt they were a bit too into shock value and they had trouble integrating Danny DeVito into the cast. But the third season, good lord, just pure hilarity from start to finish. If I had to pick a favourite moment, it's either Charlie's running commentary when the various McPoyles are coming out of their trailer ("Seriously, what is that a jar of?!"), Dee slathering on blackface to dig up her mother's grave but nobody taking any note of it, or Charlie thinking the door marked 'private' actually says 'pirate.' Just funny stuff all-around. Can't wait for S4 and the recently-completed S5.

* Justified. Saw the premiere, enjoyed it, but haven't seen any of the other episodes. So technically, I guess you could argue the show failed since the primary goal of every program is to get you to keep watching, but really, I liked it. The simple rule for Timothy Olyphant seems to be that if he's in a show or movie where he wears a cowboy hat, it's quality. If he's not in a cowboy hat, there's trouble.

* Party Down. The second season started up in April but I haven't seen any of it yet. It's just half-hour episodes so I could probably bang through it in an afternoon if I put my mind to it. This show seems to be coming apart at the seams a bit; Jane Lynch left for 'Glee,' and now Adam Scott has left for 'Parks & Recreation.'

* Sons of Anarchy. I've heard so many good things about this show that it seems like I'll have to start watching sooner or later.

* Treme. Like 'The Wire,' I suspect that this show will be best enjoyed if watched in a big chunk so I can better keep track of all the characters and plotlines. I'm also keeping expectations low since 'The Wire' was pretty much a once-in-a-lifetime program. I'm not expecting David Simon to hit a grand slam every time out, but a solo homer would be nice here.

Now, onto the list itself! Apologies to Chuck, Friday Night Lights, House, and the hundred other shows I somehow don't find the time to watch.

32. Bored To Death. I gave up on this one about halfway through its first season and was genuinely disappointed that I didn't like it more than I did. The concept of a blase private eye who's basically just pretending to be a detective is so promising that it's a shame it was wasted on a total schlub like Jason Schwartzman. I get that the character is supposed to be disaffected, but come on, at make him somewhat interesting instead of a guy you continually want to punch in the face. Of the other leads, Zach Galifianakis had nothing to do and Ted Danson...well, here the negativity parade ends because Ted Danson was just awesome. Seriously, just make the show about the Danson's character and I'll jump back on the bandwagon for season two.

31. Cougartown. Another one I gave up on after a few episodes. As it happens, apparently the show really hit its stride as the season went on and might be worth a second look. Will I actually ever give it a second look? Nah.

30. Men Of A Certain Age. Again, gave up on it quickly. It just moved sooooo slowwwwly. It got good reviews, but then again, most TV critics are middle-aged guys who could relate. If I wanted to see Ray Romano in a dramatic role, I'd just re-splice 'Ice Age' with footage from 'Apocalypto.'

29. Hung. (See the older post!)

28. The Ultimate Fighter: Liddell vs. Ortiz. Just a pretty blah season all-around thanks to a pretty uninteresting crop of fighters, a tired conflict between Chuck and Tito, and even what tension did develop between the coaches wasn't paid off since Tito pulled out of the fight. I'm still not sure of the reasoning why Tito had to be fired from the show (he could've and should've been allowed to corner Kris McCray for his last fight given how he'd coached him from day one), but I'm just chalking that up to Dana White being pissed at Tito for possibly accepting the coaching job without any intention of actually fighting. I'm sure Liddell wishes Tito had stuck around too given how interim coach Rich Franklin knocked Chuck's lights out. Court McGee winning the finale fit the whole theme for the season --- Chuck picking a better team of grittier fighters. (That scene of Dana doubting Chuck's team selection was very amusing, by the way. Dana: "What's up with your team?" Chuck: "No no, I looked them up on the internet, they're tough guys.") It kind of sucks that both McGee and Kris McCray have already lost this season but made the final anyway due to injuries and the 'wild card' rule. It would've been better for the concept of the show had a fighter gone undefeated on his way to the TUF crown, but hey, at least it sets up easy rematches with the guys who beat them the first time. And McGee's loss to Nick Ring was pretty controversial anyway, so he's a semi-clean victor.

27. How I Met Your Mother. The 'gang sees their doppelgangers' theme that ran through the season was pretty apt since it seemed like I was often watching an imperfect version of the HIMYM I used to love. It seems like the series is running out of stream quickly, to the point that even the cast is phoning it in. Jason Segel and NPH, for instance, seem to have already checked out and have their minds focused on their various other projects. I haven't heard anything about the sixth season to effect that it will be the last one, but they either need to get their groove back or start wrapping it up in a hurry.

26. The Simpsons. What is there to say about the Simpsons at this point? Yeah, the new episodes are good for a few laughs but aren't anything special. Sure, they're still capable of cranking out a couple of shows per year that wouldn't have been out of place in the golden era. Rinse, repeat.

25. Family Guy. I'll give FG some credit since it seemed like they went out of their way to address many of the problems that made the previous season so weak. They played around with the format of several episodes, actually had some stories and character development, and generally just delivered their best season in at least a few years. Then again, in some ways, I feel they overcompensated for the criticism. For instance, the consensus was that Brian had become too much of an irritating character over the years. So this season, Brian had no shortage of horrible things heaped upon him, topped off by Quagmire delivering a three-minute long rant about what a terrible person/dog Brian is. It was weird. It's even odder given that Brian is basically Seth MacFarlane's voice, so it was like Seth himself was putting himself through some self-flagellation over the low quality of the show. Dude, calm down. Just make better cartoons. You don't need to have your cartoon dog alter-ego give a baby a rimjob to make up for it. (This actually happened. And yes, it was disturbing as hell.)

24. American Dad. Disappointing year for AD. After being fantastic for the last couple of years, it took a bit of a step back this season. It seemed like the writers suddenly weren't quite sure how to balance the wackiness anymore. Just three great episodes: the one following the Rapture, Stan becomes a bully to Steve (thus setting up the fantastic Stelio Kontos beatdown) and the season premiere when Steve relives Vietnam on a golf course.

23. The Cleveland Show. Not a bad debut season, though it seems that while the ingredients are all there, they haven't quite found the right formula yet. It's interesting, I think the producers intended for Rollo and Tim to be the breakout characters, but Cleveland Jr. is by far the funniest character on the show. It's not even close. On an unrelated note, I'm not sure how all four FOX Sunday cartoons ended up slotted together on this list. I swear it wasn't intentional.

22. The Amazing Race 15. (See the older post!)

21. The Amazing Race 16. Both editions of TAR were pretty average this season, with TAR16 getting the slight edge due to generally better locales and the nonstop comedy of the 'cowboy' team of brothers from Oklahoma. The show also spent way too much on the idiotic feud between the model team and the lesbian team (not trying to be blunt here, but the whole show, they were just referred to as 'The Lesbians') where both sides ended up looking petty and simple-minded. On the plus side, man, do I ever want to visit the Seychelles sometime.

20. The Ultimate Fighter: Jackson vs. Evans. (Older post!)

19. Jersey Shore. *sigh* Yeah, I watched. And I'll watch the second season. Why and how are these idiots so oddly entertaining?!

18. 24. Ol' Jack Bauer made it. Ok, sure, there was a bit of a lack of tension in the final minutes of the final episode since the rumours about a '24' movie were swirling, but still, part of me still thought that they might actually conclude the show with Jack being shot in a back alley like a dog. Even if that movie never gets off the ground, I can take this as a series finale. It ended on an oddly touching note between Jack and Chloe as Jack basically echoed the producers' viewpoint in saying "Wow, I can't believe after all this time, Chloe was the only one who's here at the end." (I'm still in favour of 24's ultimate ending being Jack and Chloe hooking up, just for the guaranteed look of bemusement that would be on Jack's face.) The final season had the usual ups and downs of any 24 campaign, but it did go out with some amazing moments. That 2-3 episode stretch featuring the final hours of President Hassan's life were as dramatic as anything the show has ever done. The return of President Logan, which made me realize just how much I missed having that sniveling rat bastard on this show. Gregory Itzin was so good that he finally made me appreciate Cherry Jones' acting abilities; those scenes where he was Lady Macbeth-ing her into the cover-up were fantastic, culminating in President Taylor's final full-on heel turn when she outright threatens Dalia Hassan with nuclear annihilation. That was great. Where the hell was THAT President Taylor for the previous two seasons? It would've been interesting to have the 'evil president' story again, except this time with a competent president rather than that weasel Logan. And man, if I keep one image from this season in my head, it's the sight of a masked and armoured Jack launching an assault on Logan's motorcade, while Logan is sitting in his town car, screaming and scared shitless. Here's an abbreviated clip. Just some great stuff. So yeah, between Itzin, Jones and Anil Kapoor, there was more than enough guest-star power to make me erase the dumb-ass Katee Sackhoff/Freddie Prinze Jr. storyline from my memory. It was definitely time for '24' to end its run, but they went out on a pretty good note.

17. Saturday Night Live. Like "24", SNL can't help but have its ups and downs over the course of a year, and this season it was generally more up. It probably helped that the only stand-out horrible episode was the January Jones-hosted stinker in November, whereas there were enough good-to-very good shows to more than balance it out. Jon Hamm, Sigourney Weaver, Tina Fey, Taylor Swift (!) and, of course, Betty White were the best hosts and thus more or less were responsible for the best episodes. (Blake Lively's show was also pretty good, if she herself was kind of an average host. Smoking hot, but an average host.) I can't help but feel that the cast is probably due for a big overhaul, though the only cast members who seem worn out to me are Fred Armisen and Bill Hader. So really, the show could just ditch them and Jenny Slate and I'd be cool with it. I'd nominate Seth Meyers too but he's the head writers, so it's not realistic. Nasim Pedrad showed some great potential in her first year, and the cast MVP is (in an upset) Kenan Thompson. How did it take seven seasons for this guy to break out? He was suddenly hilarious in everything this season. Is this a sign that he's out of his shell, or was it like that one NHL season when Bernie Nicholls inexplicably scored 70 goals? An additional note about the Betty White episode. As great as White was and how fun of an episode that ended up being, the real hidden value of that show might be that bringing back all those old cast members was a great idea in and of itself. An annual SNL alumni night would be a great hosting gimmick. For instance, the next time Adam Sandler makes a movie like that crappy one he has out now with Spade, Rock and Schneider, have those four all do a team-hosting gig with all of their old characters. Or bring back as many of the 70's era cast who would still be willing to do it. Or hell, even the Crystal/Guest/Short/Shearer 84-85 season that Lorne Michaels likes to pretend never existed. That could be all kinds of fun.

16. The Office. Holy cow, did people ever turn on this show. Admittedly, season six was the weakest of the series, but boy, from the critical reaction you'd think they were running plotlines where Dwight was molesting children or something. The problem was, basically, that the big over-arching stories of the year (Jim becoming co-manager, Dunder-Mifflin's financial problems and subsequent buy-out by Sabre, the Andy/Erin relationship and Jim and Pam having their baby) just weren't as intrinsically funny as S5's big plots of the Michael/Holly relationship and Michael starting his own paper company. While S5 managed to find great material within those stories, S6 felt like it was trying too hard to generate concepts that fit the bigger picture. Really, this show works just fine in its basic concept of 'funny people in an office setting.' You don't need major plotlines unless they're as bang-on as the ones in the fifth season. Steve Carell has made noises about possibly leaving the show once his contract is up after this season, and it might be time for the show to end as well. Who can they possibly find to fill Carell's shoes? We've already seen what things are like with Pam, Jim or Dwight in charge, and elevating Andy probably just creates a poor man's Michael Scott.

15. Peep Show. A very funny British series starring the great Mitchell & Webb comedy duo, 'Peep Show' finished its sixth season in the fall and delivered a good one. I'm not totally sure the series can go now that there's a baby involved (Mark and Jez's antics will now just seem like child endangerment more than....well, just antics), but still, I trust the program will continue its quality. Peep Show has just six episodes per season so it's easy to catch up. It's a difficult show to describe since it's hard to properly encapsulate the dynamic between Mark (pretty much the ultimate nebbish loser, played by David Mitchell) and Jeremy (pretty much the ultimate self-absorbed slacker, played by Robert Webb). Maybe the best comparison is it's like if you took the social awkwardness of the U.K. Office, combined it with the venality of It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia and then molded that combination onto the story of two flatmates.

14. 30 Rock. Like with the Office, It seemed like a lot of folks jumped hard off the 30 Rock bandwagon this year. While I liked the season seemingly much more than the critics did, I can see the problems. For one, there were too many jokes. "But Mark, how is this a problem for a comedy?" Well, I'll tell you, straw man. It seemed that every other line was either a joke or an intro to another joke. There was no time to breathe and properly set things up, and rapid-fire farce is tricky to pull off. The best 30 Rock episodes are the ones where Liz is at the center of a maelstrom and through it all actually does learn some good advice from Jack, whereas this season Liz was an active part of that maelstrom herself. Ironically, this may have been Tina Fey's best season and Liz is now as developed as she's ever been, while Tracy, Jenna and Kenneth all kept hitting the same notes over and over. 30 Rock has in all likelihood jumped the shark, but still, there were plenty of very funny episodes and it seemed like the ship was righted in the latter half of the year. Michael Sheen as Liz's settling soul-mate was fantastic.

13. The Kids In The Hall: Death Comes To Town. I covered this in a separate post in February, so check that out. I would've liked a tighter final episode, but hey, at least they provided a decent surprise murderer. Not too shabby.

12. Survivor: Samoa. (Older post!)

11. Archer. Whoa, where did this thing come from? I was late to the Archer experience, only hearing about it second-hand and in vague descriptions as 'a funny spy cartoon.' Little did I realize when I checked it out that the show featured half the Arrested Development cast in voiceover roles and featured some of the most bizarre humour on television. Now, I mentioned earlier about how the Brian-licks-Stewie's-buttcrack scene in Family Guy was pretty disturbing. "Archer" delves into similarly weird territory except on this show, it's somehow hilarious. If you're the type that finds the fact that one character is described as "the Pele of anal sex," then Archer is probably the show for you.

10. Dollhouse. Joss Whedon knew he was living on borrowed time just in getting a second season of 'Dollhouse,' so he basically decided to go all-out and cram about three seasons' worth of plot into 13 episodes. It didn't seem like the plot advancement was getting too overbearing until about the last couple of shows, when the ending suddenly seemed a bit too pat, but even still, this was a hell of a conclusion. Better to have a show go out on somewhat of its own terms like Dollhouse rather than whimper to a finish like 'Buffy' or get cut off at its peak like 'Angel.'

9. Modern Family. The title is almost a literal description, since it's a nice blend of an old-style family sitcom dressed up in the modern mockumentary styles. There were episodes or moments when things got a bit too Pollyannaish, but I have no problem with a show wearing its heart on its sleeve once in a while as long as it consistently delivers the laughs. I'm interested to see how this show will fare in regards to Emmy nominations, since it's such a pure ensemble that it's hard to necessarily single one person out from others. For instance, Eric Stonestreet and JT Ferguson work so great as a duo that one couldn't be nominated over the other. The kid who plays Manny, though, is just hysterical.

8. Lost. Oh no, I've already written about a zillion words about LOST this year, I don't have it in me to write any more. Also, I may or may not have slotted LOST in the #8 spot to match it up with one of the Numbers. Man, I'm a nerd for this show. It will be missed.

7. Community. This show is such a meta-commentary on itself that it seems to have a built-in answer for whatever minor criticisms I might have about it. For example, I feel like they work a bit too hard to build up the Greendale College cast of characters, as opposed to a show like "Parks & Recreation" (which I'll get to in a minute) that developed the town of Pawnee seemingly more organically. But then again, whole episodes have been done on the status of the main characters within the college and how others feel left out to comic effect, so this is clearly something that creator Dan Harmon is aware of. If you read Harmon's Twitter feed, he's obviously tuned into how the online community (hey, that's the show's title!) perceives his show and is quick to change things that aren't working. But anyway, this has been a very nuts-and-bolts entry about what is just a straight-up hilarious show. As a non-Soup watcher, I'm only now catching up to the genius that is Joel McHale, and it's a tossup to determine which of the ensemble is actually the funniest. Even Britta has been greatly improved since around mid-season when the writers seemed to figure out what to do with her. It's the highest-rated new show on my list, and one so funny that my friend Eric listed no fewer than four Community episodes on his list of the ten best episodes of ANY show during the past TV season.. I considered doing my own list on this subject, but figured it would lead to me spending days locked in my room looking at spreadsheets. "Modern Warfare," a.k.a. the paintball episode, would've probably been as equally high on my hypothetical list too, Eric. And I too share your crush on the TV season's It Girl, Alison Brie. Fun fact: Brie was the first of only two celebrities on my Twitter feed who have actually retweeted or replied to one of my comments. (The other? You guessed it, Frank Stallone.) Has this contributed to my ongoing schoolboy crush? Yes, yes it does. (A crush on Brie, not on Frank Stallone. He's not my type.)

6. Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains. I've got a big Survivor post in the works for later in the month, so I'll save my "Russell is terrible at Survivor and you're a fool if you think otherwise" argument for then. But overall, HvV was one of the better Survivor seasons ever and for me, certainly one of the most satisfying given that Sandra (one of my favourite players) captured her second title and Russell Hantz was again made to look like a jackass. There are rumours that Survivor will make All-Star seasons a semi-annual thing, which I'm not crazy about since it seems like the novelty will wear off pretty quickly. Like, this one was cool since it was fun to see old-timers like Jerri and Sandra mix it up with the newbies, but the "hey, so-and-so is back!" appeal will lessen if someone is returning after just a series or two. I stand by my criticism that three-timers shouldn't be brought back (even if they're great players like Parvati), but I'm afraid that we'll see some of these same people back for a fourth time sooner rather than later. But in the meantime, we have Survivor 21 in the fall with a whole new cast, and thankfully we can get back to enjoying this show without goddamn Russell.

5. Dexter

4. Mad Men

3. Curb Your Enthusiasm. (I covered these three shows in the older post, but man, how good a year of TV was it that this trio all had phenomenal years and none of them even cracked the top two?)

2. Parks & Recreation. Last January, I renounced my knee-jerk dislike of P&R's first season by calling it "the funniest show on TV that doesn't involve Larry David." As great as Curb was, P&R being awesome for 24 episodes outweighs Curb being awesome for 10 episodes, so Parks gets the silver medal. Why my massive change of heart from S1 to S2? Firstly, P&R has done a fantastic job of developing the town of Pawnee into a Springfield-esque location for insanity and memorable characters. Secondly, my knee-jerk (and, admittedly, pretty unoriginal) complaint about Leslie Knope being too much of a female Michael Scott was alleviated simply by having Leslie be acknowledged as really good at her job. Amy Poehler is much more interesting as a competent person who gets occasionally carried away with her idealism than she is as an idiot with occasional moments of brilliance. Thirdly, Leslie's improvement as a character matches the development of the rest of the cast, most notably Nick Offerson as the immortal Ron F'in Swanson and Chris Pratt as the simple-mindedly enthusiastic Andy. Between those two, Aziz Ansari being Aziz Ansari, Rashida Jones as a straight-woman, and Aubrey Plaza set to battle new cast member Adam Scott in a "who can be more sardonic and underplayed" contest next season, it's a pretty tight group from start to finish. NBC, in its continuing quest to be America's dumbest network, is holding P&R's third season off until January, but hopefully whatever garbage they have debuting in the fall will fail quickly so we can get back to Pawnee as soon as possible.

1. Breaking Bad. Again, simply the best show on TV for the second straight year. There might not be a single more exciting period of television on any show than the segment of 'Breaking Bad' that runs before the opening title credits. It is always something out of left field and completely absorbing, even if it's sometimes not at all related to the episode itself. This season began with Walt and Jesse seemingly becoming more corrupt from their meth enterprise, but by the finale, it seemed like they had regained a bit of their souls. (Or at least they seemed a bit better by comparison than the scarily normal/amoral Gus, superbly played by Giancarlo Esposito.) The acting, the writing, the development of characters like Hank, Gus and Skyler, the great suspense of Hank's showdown with the Cousins or a drugged-out Walt almost confessing to the murder of Jesse's girlfriend, the cinematography, the plot twists, everything is virtually perfect. It's all topped off by arguably the two best performances on TV --- Bryan Cranston as Walt and Aaron Paul as Jesse. Cranston has two Emmys already, and I'm firmly on the Paul bandwagon for this year. It's a sign of a great show when things are tightly plotted and yet you have no idea where this program could go. After Sunday's finale episode, I am ready to watch the fourth season right this moment. There is also a strong chance I'm getting a porkpie hat and going for Halloween as Walter 'Heisenberg' White.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Super Violin Brothers

"Violinist in a white tuxedo" is pretty bad-ass on its own. But a violinist in a white tuxedo playing along to the Super Mario Brothers theme and sound effects? Step back.

The only way this could possibly any cooler would be if Captain Lou Albano was dancing in the background. OH WAIT.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

World Cup Predictions

Remember how I was talking about having a lot of blog posts planned but not written? Well in the interim, they started the dang World Cup before I could get my predictions up! Thanks for nothing, FIFA!

Group A: Mexico, France, South Africa, Uruguay
After months of deliberation over who I'd be supporting during this Cup, I've decided to split my allegiance between Mexico and Honduras. CONCACAF forever, baby! Along those lines, Mexico is my pick to win the group. I hesitate to pick France for second place because a) I'm pretty sure they were cursed by a banshee following their cheap win over Ireland in qualifying and b) they don't deserve to be rewarded following that horribly boring 0-0 draw with Uruguay on Friday. But still, France is too good a side. South Africa makes history by becoming the first host country to not advance past the group stages, while Uruguay cannot rise beyond being a butt of Homer Simpson's jokes.

Group B: Argentina, South Korea, Nigeria, Greece
Man, again I wish I had written this in advance of the actual tournament. I saw South Korea's win over Greece coming a mile away. Don't sleep on the Korea Republic, they're a solid side. Not solid enough to overtake, say, Argentina, but still good enough to advance. If you're the Greek team, you might be better off in going to the other three sides and offering to throw the match in exchange for loans for their bankrupt country. That's how bad it's gotten for Greece --- I'm seriously proposing that they go to even Nigeria with hat in hand.

Group C: England, United States, Slovenia, Algeria
This group seems pretty set in stone, with the only question being which of the top two will finish first and which of the bottom two will finish third. Let's be honest, England is pretty clearly better than the American team, despite Robert Green's tomfoolery. Barring a revelation that John Terry has slept with every WAG on England's team, the Three Lions should still end up at the top of the group.

Group D: Germany, Ghana, Serbia, Australia
Toss-up of a group. The only thing you can be sure of is that ze Germans will finish on top, though any of the other three teams could upset them. Ghana gets my pick as the runner-up based on....well, pretty much just a coin flip. Literally, I flipped a coin between them and the Serbs. This is truly some high-powered analysis here.

Group E: Netherlands, Cameroon, Japan, Denmark
You can almost throw a tarp over Group E and pick any two teams you wish to advance. Sure, the Dutch are the favourites on paper, but they have a history of coming up short at the World Cup. Maybe not quite as short as missing the knockout round altogether, but hey, Holland might want a new way to break their fans' hearts. In the end I went with Cameroon under the spurious logic that they'll be inspired by playing in their home continent.

Group F: Italy, Slovakia, Paraguay, New Zealand
Slovakia is kind of a dark horse. Did you know they straight-up won their European qualifying group over the likes of Slovenia, Poland and the Czech Republic? And San Marino! SAN MARINO! Ok, San Marino is terrible (laces out!), but still, I like Slovakia. They're pretty evenly matched with Paraguay, but I'll go with Slovakia otherwise this whole first paragraph will be pointless. Italy wins the group, obvs. As for New Zealand, sorry lads, I have to slate you for last. I hope I didn't hurt your feelings. Seriously, I hope I didn't.

Group G: Brazil, Portugal, Ivory Coast, North Korea
This group became a lot less intriguing in the wake of Didier Drogba's arm injury. There were rumours that Drogba's arm was actually broken last week, which would seem to make it impossible that he could play so quickly, but I guess depending on the type of break, he could always play in a cast. Drogba could even take a page from Cowboy Bob Orton's book and smack his opponents on the head with said cast. But until we know how Drogba is, I'll just go the safe route and pick Brazil and Portugal to emerge from the group. North Korea, by the way, is going to be eating three lopsided losses. Drogba could probably break a leg and shatter a pelvis and I'd still pick Ivory Coast to beat the KDPR.

Group H: Spain, Chile, Switzerland, Honduras
The Chile vs. Switzerland game on June 21 will determine which of the two finishes second, since a win would pretty much clinch things for either side. Spain is clearly the top team in the group and Honduras (despite my support) are clearly the underdogs. I can see Honduras maybe stealing a draw against Chile or the Swiss, but that's about the limit of my expectations for them. Then again, Spain has a long and proud history of crapping the bed at the World Cup. Don't put it past them to somehow miss the knockout stages. Just as nobody expects the Spanish inquisition, everyone expects the Spanish implosion come World Cup time.

Knockout stage....
* Mexico over South Korea. Argh, two of my favourites clashing!
* England over Ghana. Pretty straight-forward.
* Slovakia over Netherlands. Ah, now HERE is where the Dutch usually lose it.
* Brazil over Chile. Again, pretty straight-forward.
* Argentina over France. Lionel Messi's latest opportunity to show why he's the best in the world.
* Germany over the USA. Even when talking about soccer, that's just an unsettling result to write.
* Italy over Cameroon. The defending champs last a bit longer.
* Spain over Portugal. Wow, two neighbouring underachievers facing off. The headliner of the round.

* England over Mexico. I may be a sucker for buying into the always-overwhelming UK media hype, but I really think that this England team has a chance to actually contend in this tournament. It's been a surprisingly smooth ride for England ever since Fabio Capello took over, Terry/Bridge drama aside.

* Brazil over Slovakia. With no disrespect at all intended to the Slovak side (and really, I've picked them to the quarter-finals, so no disrespect should be inferred), I wonder how many of them would make the Brazil team if they were eligible.

* Argentina over Germany. This one is a real toss-up. Germany seems to be somewhat of an underrated power in world football, just in the sense that people recognize they're good, but few realize just how good. Since winning the World Cup as West Germany in 1954, their worst finish at the Cup has been the second round. Their WORST finish! Overall they have three Cups, four second places, three third places, a fourth, and three quarter-finals. Yikes. And yet I'll still pick Argentina because I'm a sucker for the sideline reaction shots of Diego Maradona. They're fascinating. First of all, Maradona is very animated. Second of all, he is slowly morphing into Orson Welles what with the beard, gut, memories of past genius and the possible drunkenness.

* Italy over Spain. I honestly think that Spain right now is a better team than Italy. But this is the World Cup. I cannot ignore the long histories of both teams in the competition. The Azzurri always step up, and Spain always falls back. It shall come to pass.

* Brazil over England. I'm not THAT swayed by the UK media hype. England comes up short again and we all get to enjoy four more years of hand-wringing.

* Argentina over Italy. Ah, what the hell. Now I'm just getting silly with my results. Honestly, Argentina probably loses to Germany, but now I've got them beating not just Germany but Italy as well? Is Lionel Messi really that good?.....oh wait, yeah, he is. Unless Maradona does something totally goofy like have Messi start at goalkeeper, I predict a shootout win for Argentina over the Italians.

* Brazil over Argentina. So I seem to have gone this entire preview and picked Brazil to win without spending barely 10 words talking about them. That's because Brazil is eternal. I don't have to tell you that their side is as stacked as ever. They're so good that a method of pubic hair removal was named in their honour. And, as is often the key element in sports, Brazil has geography on its side! No European team has ever won a World Cup when the tournament is held in the southern hemisphere, which is just the kind of goofy statistic that I love to believe in. So that leaves the southern hemisphere clubs as the favourites, and of that group, who better than Brazil and Argentina. South America shines in South Africa, and in the end, Brazil takes home World Cup #6.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Wire Paintball

I had a whole list of potential blog topics in mind for the week, but things kept cropping up. Now everything is dated. Had I posted this a few days ago, you could've had time to round up some friends, raise $2500, and get to New York City to play paintball with 'Wire' cast members. Just think, you could've done what Avon Barksdale could never do and take out the boy Marlo with one headshot.

To be honest, though, the Wire cast members have a big advantage. At any moment, they could always snap into character mode. For instance, you could be chasing the perfectly nice and pleasant Michael K. Williams down an alley, when suddenly he starts whistling 'Farmer In The Dell" and pulls out a giant paintball shotgun from under his trenchcoat. It would be terrifying. I'd freak out like President Logan when Jack Bauer was attacking his motorcade. They'd find me hours after the paintball match had ended, huddled behind a dumpster mumbling "Omar coming..." over and over in a semi-catatonic state.

Wednesday, June 09, 2010

Hawks Win

Back in my Cup predictions post, I had the Chicago Blackhawks going out in the semi-finals. You see, as I wrote, "in picking the Hawks, I'd also be dooming the Maple Leafs to take over as the team with the longest Cup drought in the NHL. That can't happen."

Well, now it's happened. Chicago has its first Stanley Cup since 1961. Technically, the Leafs are still just tied for the longest Cup drought. Toronto won in 66-67, and then the next season six new expansion teams joined the league. Of those six teams, the Penguins, Stars and Flyers all have won Cups. Two (the Kings and Blues) haven't, and the other one (California Seals) outright folded. So eat it, Kings and Blues! Share in our pain!

But really, a Blackhawk-supporting friend of mine made the good point that was there no reason to let the Leafs' drought turn one into a Hawk-hater. After all, he reasoned, it's not like the Leafs aren't going to hear ad nauseum about their Cup drought anyway. This is a positive way of looking at it. I'll take it a step further and note that Chicago's victory is a sign of how quickly things can turn around for a franchise. As few as four years ago, the Blackhawks were the joke of the league. But after a series of great drafts and shrewd free-agent pickups, here they are hoisting the Cup. It gives me hope that if Brian Burke and company are on the ball, that long-awaited Cup parade down Yonge Street could be happening by 2015.

Hey, who knows, the 2010 NHL Draft is just around the corner. Maybe the Leafs can get their Jonathan Toews or Patrick Kane right here in this very dr...hmm? What's that? Oh right. Well, okay, maybe the Leafs can win in 2016.

(N.B. This is no consistently funnier hockey tradition than the sound of Gary Bettman being booed out of the building during the Cup presentation, no matter the home crowd. Bettman truly missed his calling in life as a heel pro wrestling manager.)

(Other N.B. Toews, Duncan Keith and Brent Seabrook now both have Cups and Canadian Olympic gold medals in the same year. Outstanding.)

(Other other N.B. My Cup finals prediction, btw, was Washington over San Jose. Uh, yeah.)

Monday, June 07, 2010

Out-Of-Context Texts In My Phone Inbox, Vol. 5

To remind you of the rules, the identities of these texters will remain a secret. When I will reveal this secret? Right about.....NOW! *throws down smoke pellet, runs out of room*

"That blows. Evans beat Rampage but it wasn't all that great a fight."

"Marriage will be over within the year. It's bad juju to pay for shit with ill-gotten gains."

"They are terrific!"

"Hey, I saw Youppi on TV. He's at the Habs game!"

"Bob Warner lives! Gross miscalculation!"

"Behind plate."

"We just hit Milton. Awake yet?"

"Locke v. Jack? I missed the start."

"Ok, well then one with teeth."

"Sorry buddy, tonight's a no-go for me."

"Lot riding on this...enjoy."

"Can we bump up lunch on Thursday? Also how do u feel about a quick trip to Scarborough?"

"Watching the pilot of Hung. Pretty good so far."


"Lost 4-3 but I didn't see any of it."

"That's right...trash...."

"How'd operation bridesmaid go?"

"25 min"

"We will be a teensy bit late, but there before 8. Blame it on the rain (and on Milli Vanilli, those jerks)."

"Wellllll.....I think I kind of liked it. You? Answered virtually nothing re: s.1 to 5, but a pretty satisfying end to s.6...."

"Anyone else in for Barney's tonight? What time are you thinking?"

"Fuck. I would've liked to have seen that. Damn ufc."

"How did your date go???"

"'LOCKE!!!' Frankie Muniz would be proud."

"We can try that. Get good ones though."


"And Darlton DID post of life about the heaven thing."

"Beaver at noon. You in?"

"You are missing the greatest promotion of all time. All-you-can-eat day is overstimulating my senses. So much food you can just TAKE!!"

"Strong first hour."


"Well, he did find a special place in my heart after he rubbed your head."