Friday, February 15, 2019

Today's Fact About Clotheslines

The number of people who have been knocked down by an actual clothesline < the number of people clotheslined during childhood games of Red Rover, or by the professional wrestling maneuver known as the clothesline.

This has been today's fact about clotheslines.  Tomorrow's fact will likely be related to the actual act of hanging clothes from a line.

I'll be frank --- I may be short on clothesline facts by roughly Day Six of this feature.  It definitely needed more workshopping.  Then again, I'm the same guy who began a "Shakespeare re-read" project almost seven years ago and still haven't finished.  Ah, stick-to-it-iveness! 

Thursday, February 14, 2019

Crazy Ex-Bloopers 3.0

What better way to celebrate Valentine's Day than with a collection of bloopers from that most romantic of all shows....*checks notes*....Crazy Ex-Girlfriend?  Sure, let's roll with it.  Series finale is in a few weeks, FYI.

Monday, February 11, 2019

Goose Down

My high school drama class often played “trust-building activities” that were meant to make us less self-conscious and more cohesive as a group.  In short, they were summer camp games.  The roster included that old favourite, Duck Duck Goose.

I’m assuming everyone in the word knows how to play DDG*, so I won’t bother rehashing a description of the rules.  But I will point out, that there’s a bit of a logistical gap between playing this game as a little kid and playing it as a teenager.  As a child, you stick to the spirit of the game and chase the tagger around the circle.  As a teenager with a slightly more developed idea of game theory, you realize that the intent is merely to tag the tagger, and if there’s a more efficient way of doing this than chasing, so be it.

* = Daniel Day-Goose is a great actor

This led to one memorable class where I almost accidentally….well, killed is a strong word.  Let’s say just maybe concussed my friend Shawn.  (By the way, I vaguely remember it being Shawn but I’m not actually certain of who it was.  Who cares, you don’t know any of these people anyway.)  Shawn was the one going around the circle dubbing everyone as ducks, and when he got to me, I was made the goose.

So, even at that younger age, I wasn’t known for my speed.  I wasn’t necessarily slow at this point, but it just took me a while to get going — think of Bowser or Donkey Kong in Super MarioKart.*  Shawn was also a pretty quick guy himself, so by the time I got myself up from my cross-legged stance on the ground and rumbled into full motion, Shawn would’ve been at least two-thirds of the way around the circle.  With this in mind, I had to use strategy and cunning, rather than sheer physical velocity.

* = I am delighted to learn that “MarioKart” is a valid word in my word processor’s spellchecker.

This is why, after Shawn tagged me, I immediately pivoted around (from a seating position) and swung my outstretched arm in Shawn’s path.  My plan was to just clip his leg before he fully ran away, though as it turned out, I ended up catching his foot and sending him headlong across the floor.  Fortunately, he was none the worse for wear, at least visibly.  Shawn also played football and rugby, so if future medical examinations reveal CTE, I’ll blame sports for his head trauma rather than my aggressive Duck Duck Goose maneuver.

The drama teacher, perhaps unused to such a situation, didn’t yell at me.  Instead, the class got a reminder to adhere to the rules of Duck Duck Goose.  In theory, I could’ve spoken up and noted that my tactic didn’t technically break any rules, though I probably made the right call by just keeping my mouth shut.

In hindsight, it’s kind of amazing that my swinging arm didn’t catch the face of the person sitting next to me.  I feel like that might’ve caused a bigger problem for me.  Shawn laughing off being tripped was fine; a bloody-nosed classmate might’ve resulted in your old boy Mark going to the principal’s office.  Thought that would’ve led to an amazing pun opportunity.

Principal: Mark, did you backhand someone in the face during a game of Duck Duck Goose?
Me: I guess you could say they should’ve….ducked!

Thursday, February 07, 2019

I Heard It

This particular clip was posted to YouTube 12 years ago, yet I feel like it's gone viral three or four times over the years.  Can't blame people for being instantly wowed whenever they stumble across it, and then re-sharing it all over again.

Monday, February 04, 2019

Super Accuracy

Shout-out to me for correctly predicting a Rams/Patriots Super Bowl in my preseason picks.  The Herbie Theory was dead-on!  Now, you may note that I picked Los Angeles to win, but that was just really an oversight on my part.  You see, the original "Love Bug" movie was directed by Robert Stevenson, and written by Bill Walsh* and Don DaGradi.  So naturally, Super Bowl 53 (a.k.a. the Herbie Bowl) would be won the team owned by a Robert (Kraft), and led by a Bill (Belichick) and a...uh, "DaGradi" may rhyme with "Brady."

* = no, not that one

Also, the Herbie Theory explains why last night's game contained just enough offense to fit inside a Volkswagen.