DREAM: I’m starring in a CBS crime show along the lines of Hawaii 5-0 or Scorpion, about a tough cop keeping New Orleans safe from organized crime. I’m not playing the cop, however — that’s some generic Josh Duhamel type of actor. No, my role is playing the villain, a New Orleans crime boss known as “Largesse.” My character is, essentially, Big Daddy from that Simpsons episode where Wiggum and Skinner become detectives in New Orleans, with a dash of the Kingpin and a dash of this other Simpsons character. Okay, the added “dashes” are basically just physical appearance since I’m a fat bald guy, but stay with me here.
There’s also more than a bit of Boss Hogg in my character, as I play Largesse wayyyyyyy over the top. Like, the actor who played Boss Hogg would’ve seen this show and thought “geez, that’s a little broad.” I guess it’s not a strict CBS procedural since it really is more along the likes of Dukes Of Hazzard, with a recurring villain every week whose plans are foiled by the hero. Weirdly, I play Largesse as never being all that annoyed by the constant failures of my criminal enterprises, and much more annoyed whenever someone serves him seafood for dinner. Disliking seafood, naturally, particularly enrages the Duhamel-ian cop, who is a proud New Orleans native (New Orleaner?) and therefore adores the local cuisine.
The show seems generally popular, though the dream is weirdly non-specific about whether it’s a fictional scripted program or somehow a documentary. Like, it’s an actor playing the cop and I’m profiled on Entertainment Tonight for my role as Largesse, though there are never any cameras or scripts around. Also, the ET segment leads to a minor scandal since fans are outraged that I’m not actually from Louisiana, unlike Largesse.
ANALYSIS: I won’t like, it would be fun to just eat all the time, wear outrageous clothing and talk in a comically-broad New Orleans accent. I basically do 1.5 of these things in my everyday life anyways. The whole crime boss thing doesn’t really interest me, which perhaps is why my subconscious omitted the actual “crimes” part of being a gangster and why Largesse was never too bothered when Officer Generic stopped a scheme. I actually don’t care for seafood either, and were I to be served seafood unasked, I’d indeed have an issue with it. Largesse, at one point, is so irate that he knocks a waiter’s platter to the ground upon being brought a bunch of scallops….for the record, I’d never act so insultingly boorish. I’d just say “sorry, I didn’t order any scallops.” Simple common courtesy, Largesse!
I’d like to think of myself as a decent actor. I performed in some minor shows in high school and university, with things going pretty well. The jury is still out on whether I was actually talented or just “talented enough for some low-level student production,” but let’s just say that my real drawback was having some difficulty memorizing so many lines. I can’t imagine how professional theatre actors are able to learn hundreds or even thousands of lines of dialogue in what is sometimes a short amount of time. Perhaps that’s what I gravitated more towards improv, where I could always just wing it if I didn’t know what to say. Also, my acting career may have also been stunted by my, uh, difficulties in auditioning.
"Largesse" is a pretty awesome name for a big, fat, extravagant bayou crime boss. Good job with the branding, subconscious!
I’ve never been to New Orleans, nor do I have any particular desire to visit unless the Super Bowl is at the Superdome one year and the Packers happen to be playing. Nothing against the city, really, just that I’m wary about going anywhere too far south since I don’t like the heat. If I actually had to spend time in New Orleans, forget about Big Daddy, I’d end up like another shady Simpsons character.
My co-worker Ken and I were discussing movies, I mentioned some star, and Ken joked “I don’t know who that is, I only watch movies starring Glenn Close.” To which I responded, “don’t be so Close-minded, Ken!” Ken no-sold the joke, but come on, that’s some pretty great spur-of-the-moment punnery.
I’m just about the world’s most boring eater, which includes eating pasta with no sauce, oil or seasonings of any kind. (Ok, some salt and pepper, but those are so basic that I don’t even consider it ‘seasoning.’) Ken was a little incredulous, though I did assure him that I had SOME flavour in the form of that packaged cheese from Kraft Dinner boxes.
K: But if you use the cheese for both KD and for normal pasta, don’t you run out of cheese pretty quickly? M: Oh no, I have so much KD in the cupboard that there’s always at least one expired box in there. So I just take the cheese from that and use it for pasta. K: Wait a second, but the cheese is ALSO expired. In fact, it’s the only thing expired due to the milk-based ingredient. So you’re throwing out ‘expired’ KD noodles that are still probably good and keeping the actually expired cheese product. M: ….oh yeah…..
And then we laughed for about a minute straight. I am not a smart man.
20-something dudebro who looks like a young Scott Caan strolls out of a
No Frills, casually tossing a watermelon to himself in the air. He
stumbles and drops the melon on the ground, smashing it to pieces. The
dudebro proceeds to throw what I can only describe as a tantrum -- he
tosses his hands in the air, actually stamps his feet on the ground and
stamps his feet in a frustrated little pivot of a move.
I'm not saying this was one of the top ten hardest laughs of my life, but top 20? The jury is out.