Man Marries Video Game Character

As someone who once wrote a play about a man falling in love with a plant, I feel as if I'm uniquely qualified to comment on this story. Also, I once carried on a torrid affair with Kirby from Kirby's Dreamland. It ended badly --- for a character whose entire existence is based upon sucking things in, Kirby sure was a cold fish in the bedroom.

/looks up Wikipedia entry

Wait, Kirby was a GUY?

/re-enacts shower scene from "The Crying Game"

But enough of my torment. Onto the story.


TOKYO (Reuters) - A Japanese man has married a character in a popular video game, taking her -- and his handheld game console -- on an overseas honeymoon.

I'm trying to work out a handheld game console/masturbation joke, but can't find the proper phrasing. Oh, if only I was a better writer.

The man, who prefers to use his online moniker SAL9000, met character Nene Anegasaki while playing dating simulation game "Love Plus."

They got married a few weeks ago, broadcasting their ceremony live on Japan's version of video-sharing website Youtube.

Fun fact: his online moniker isn't a '2001' reference, but rather using SAL as an acronym for Sad-Ass Loser. Also, you can't actually 'meet' a character in a game since they're NOT FRIGGIN REAL. When I played 'Duck Hunt' for the first time, I didn't go around saying I met the dog. ("Nice guy, great sense of humour.") Also, the fact that this wedding became a YouTube clip makes me think that the guy is totally in on the joke and thus I end up looking like an even bigger loser for mocking him as if he was serious. Hmmm, I seem to have fallen into a trap. Then again, let me check with City Hall....nope, turns out I'm not married to a video game character, so I still have a leg up on ol' SAL.

Dare I even ask what a 'dating simulation game' is? Is it like a modern-day version of Leisure Suit Larry? The creators of that game should sue Seth Macfarlane for everything he owns due to his total ripoff of Larry for Glenn Quagmire.

SAL9000, who did not want to reveal his real name for fear of being misunderstood, admits to be an "otaku," a breed of Japanese youth obsessed with video games, computers and fantasy worlds.

"In the Japanese otaku or nerd culture, there's a tradition of calling characters my wife, and I sort of thought of Nene as my wife. Since I was calling her that, I thought we'd just have to get married then," he told Reuters Television.

"If more people were to find ways of expressing themselves like this, I think it would make society a bit more interesting."

Yes, interesting....that's the word for it. I love cake, but that doesn't mean I'm going to express this by marrying a cake. It would make things awkward at the ceremony when I try to playfully shove a slice of the wedding cake into my bride's mouth, only to realize in horror that I'd actually just carved up her grandmother or something. We'd also probably argue over the music since she might want traditional wedding songs whereas I would want nothing but the entire collected discography of Cake. (Frankly, I'd have a point. And 'Love You Madly' is actually a pretty good wedding song option.)

The newlyweds, who went on a honeymoon to Guam, now go on dates around Tokyo, with SAL9000 taking pictures of Nene, installed in his Nintendo DS, in front of famous landmarks and then posting them on social networking sites.

Congratulations SAL, you're treating your new 'bride' as a cyber version of the Travelocity Roaming Gnome.

As the game "Love Plus" has voice recognition software, SAL9000 says it's possible to have a sort of conversation with Nene or even play simple games such as rock, paper, scissors.

In SAL's defense, experts agree that communication is the most important part of any relationship. And rock-paper-scissors is the second most important part of any relationship. I hear that Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins split up because Sarandon finally got sick of Robbins trying to win RPS games with the 'God' option.

He also has vowed to have and to hold, for better and for worse, even if another, updated version of the game is released.

"I think I'll probably continue playing Love Plus. I won't cheat," SAL9000 said.

Ah ha ha, 'cheat'! Zing! Nice one, sad loser! The reporter could have asked him what he would do if he actually met a human woman, but the premise of the question was probably so far-fetched that it was better left unsaid.