Out-Of-Context Texts In My Phone Inbox, Volume XIII

Text FAQs!

Q: Do you really publish every single text you receive?

A: Well, no, not EVERY one. Some are just addresses and phone numbers, and it wouldn't be cool of me to reprint them into the public domain. I'd hate to subject a friend to hours of Jerky Boys-esque prank calls.

Q: So, you also don't publish sexts?

A: ....uh, yes. That's the reason. Since, of course, I get loads of graphic sexts, but I don't publish them since I'm a....gentleman? That's the ticket.

Q: Will you ever reveal the identities of the texters?

A: No! Stop asking me, government!



"The best revenge is living well. The second best revenge is acid in the face. Who will love them now?"

"Wut about McBurns?"

"Elkas Elkas Elkas!"

"My patience is spent."

"Did you, by any chance, catch Mike Weir's score today? Good lord, he should ACTUALLY retire."

"Do we have a fourth? If not Dave can come."

"If you don't have somewhere to stay yet you can crash in our spare bedroom."

"There a spot open for me?"

"My boys vs. your boys tomorrow -- Man City vs. Fulham!"

"Ok cool. I managed to get us one of the coveted against-the-wall tables but it looks like I'll be holding it off alone until 8 PM-ish."

"Matt said maybe tomorrow."

"You watching the golf?"

"That would have been a Jim Ross moment last night. It ends in a draw, ohh mah gawd. A draw? Was it a decent fight?"

"You aren't bringing up all your stuff, are you?"

"Just got changed! Ha ha!"

"Court hearing will be all day. Will get my keys from you at the Drake."

"Did you need me to come to the parking garage?"

"What's the game plan? Is it an out or in night?"

"Message me to let me know if something great happens. Don't imagine I will hear from you."

"If you are still there we are heading to the car."

"Ha ha, okay. Just wanted to make sure you weren't sleeping on the street tonight."

"Are you sleeping on the streets?"

"Woot!"

"And how, exactly, was Inception not nominated for best editing when the layered-level editing was easily the most impressively edited sequence of this or any other year?"

"Ah no!"

"Home now!"

"If you ever get a choice between regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if not, mmm boy."

"No problem Mark, thanks for letting me know. Hope to see you this summer!"

"Hey, where do you get those golf coupon books?"

"Sure :) "

"Yes indeed! Sorry I missed your call. D and I were out for dinner."

"We are coming to the Beaver."

"Sorry buddy. Totally forgot all about the epic battle that is Penn-Fitch. Made other plans unfortunately. This should have been a freebie. Rivera-Bisping as a co-main, that is horse shit."

"Hey, just saw your Facebook message. You get something figured out?"

"Ok getting into cab."

"U can't play poker with three ppl, lol"

"We have five people coming so if you're there early get a five-man table!"

"And my stuff, including my coat, is in someone's car."

"Allo?"

"Managed to lose everyone! Give me a bit to locate them. Maybe I can get out."

"Lol, I'm excited though. Once Mark starts heading east, summer is always right around the corner!"

"Trying to find out from Ryan. Haven't talked to Jon."

"You know me, I change fast"

"Beaver tomorrow?"

"You have any more luck finding a place to stay than you did in filling out a fantasy league?"

"I don't know what to do and am flustered. :( "

"Okay, just wanted to make sure. Hope is all is well, and good luck with your search!"

"Never mind what?"

"Just a bag with stuff for two days? ;p"

"If someone dies in the Octagon I will be extremely pissed that I missed it."

"You seriously enjoyed Winter's Bone?"

"If that is a message that is sent to me, we are no longer friends."