Sunday, June 28, 2009
Musing About Schwarzenegger
What will Arnold Schwarzenegger do after his governorship is finished? The answer is simple. Pitchman for Canadian discount grocery stores.
SCENE: A thirtysomething couple is standing in a supermarket aisle, holding various boxes and looking perturbed.
Wife: Look at these prices!
Husband: Times are tight, but we should still be able to afford food!
Wife: That's what we get for shopping at a big chain!
SUDDENLY, Arnold Schwarzenegger walks down the aisle pushing an empty cart.
Arnold: Maybe I kin help.
Husband and Wife: Arnold Schwarzenegger!
Arnold: Come with me if you want to save!
CUT TO the same couple, standing at a Price Chopper checkout aisle, happily setting groceries from their full cart onto the conveyor. Arnold is standing behind the smiling clerk.
Husband: Wow, Price Chopper has all of the foods we need, at low prices!
Arnold: Don't put up with dose mayjah chains and their exorbitahnt prices. Price Choppah has all you need and mo-ah!
Wife: Thanks, Arnold!
Voiceover: Price Chopper, for all your shopping needs!
Arnold: Get to de choppah! *thumbs up*
* I was watching 'Predator' tonight on TLN, and I had forgotten about two unintentionally hilarious moments at the end of the movie. First, the Predator's laugh at the end of the movie, when he suddenly starts cackling like the Joker after setting the bomb in a last-ditch suicide attempt to kill Arnold. I guess even alien bounty hunters descend into crazed super-villainy every now and then. Was the Predator played by Vincent Price? The other funny part comes during the credits. Arnold is on the helicopter, looking solemn, and the film ends with a grim final note on the score. Then it suddenly cuts to medium shots of each main character, all smiling and acting like they're having the time of their lives. Even Sonny Landham, whose whole character trait is that he's stone-faced, is seen laughing. It was as out of place as if "Schindler's List" had immediately cut to credits showing Ralph Fiennes doing a 'this is my friend Bonesy' ventriloquist act with a plastic skull.
* Not Arnold-related at all, but hey, he's a fan of breasts (and, allegedly, groping them without permission) so he might be interested. TLN has a show called "Without Breasts There Is No Paradise." It's true. I saw the ad for it during Predator. The plot seems to revolve around women in bikinis running around a pool, and smugglers are involved. I don't even have a joke here. Even better, it's being adapted into English language version by NBC. If nothing else, this series will let us know once and for all if Ben Silverman is the worst network executive of all time. (My money is on yes.)
* LISTAMANIA! The Top Ten Arnold Schwarzenegger Films!
10. Raw Deal....."She was molested, mutilated and murdered!" shouldn't be a hilarious line, but imagine Arnold saying it and struggling mightily with all of the M's.
9. The Terminator.....Bad news folks, the original is becoming more dated by the day. The special effects in the ending scene when the top half of the Terminator is going after Sarah are just too '1984' to be believable. (Not an Orwell reference, but T1 literally came out in 1984.)
8. The Sixth Day.....Goofy all-around, but not a bad movie. Notable due to the hilarious face-first plummet of the villain, nicknamed 'Goo Boy' by my friends due to the eventual sad shape of his face.
7. Terminator 3.....The largely shite new Terminator movie with Christian Bale underscores just how necessary Arnold was to the series. His presence added a bit of levity to the proceedings, whereas Bale/Sam Worthington were just too dour. When CGI Arnold appears in T4, the theatre audience I was part of literally cheered. T3 is one of those movies that was kind of scorned at the time, but given how T4 crapped the bed, it's looking a lot better in retrospect. I just wish that they had brought Robert Patrick back to team up with Arnold against the TX robot, since it makes little sense that future John Connor would send back such an outmoded model on its own to take down the cutting-edge new Terminator.
6. True Lies.....The real tragedy is that Bill Paxton's hilarious sleazy car salesman wasn't spun off into his own movie. Or wait, is this the premise behind Big Love? Is Paxton's character just pretending to be Mormon like he was pretending to be a secret agent, and his lie just spun out of control not once, not twice, but thrice?
5. Total Recall.....A former classmate of mine once had me proofread a very interesting paper they had written about identity in Schwarzenegger films. I'd cite that classmate here, but uh, I'm totally blanking on his name. If you're reading this, pleasant brown-haired dude from third-year American Film with Mike Zryd, please don't be offended. I guess you could say I don't have total recall of names. *self high-five*
4. The Running Man....Richard Dawson, in all seriousness, deserved an Oscar nomination for his role. I talked the movie up a bit more in this post about fictional games that should become real sports, but suffice it to say, I would watch a Running Man show every week.
3. Predator....One of the best 'Arrested Development' sight gags ever was, when they were introducing Carl Weathers, they cut to the clip from this movie of him getting his arm blown off. Good times. Baby, you got a stew goin'!
2. Dave....Ok, technically not a 'Schwarzenegger movie,' but he has a cameo. Also, I love this movie and will mention it at every opportunity.
1. Terminator 2....Almost 20 years later, and this one still holds up as if it had been released yesterday. On the short list of the best action movies ever made. "She's not my mother, TODD." And then the little 'yeah!' and the fist in the air from John Connor's mulleted punk friend. Good times.