Friday, November 21, 2008

Ashlee Simpson Is Dense (a.k.a. Listamania XIV)

So Ashlee Simpson and some jackass from an emo band procreated and named their son....Bronx Mowgli. I don't even have a joke here. Simpson and Fall Out Boy really went for the bargain bin choices in naming their boy after a combination of the Jungle Book and a New York City borough. Better options? I'm (Listamania!) glad (Listamania!) you (Listamania!) asked (LISTAMANIA!)


5. Mang. It only works if the kid grows up to be associated with Tony Montana. "H'okay, who's got da yeyo? Mang, is it choo, mang?"

4. Hathi. Sure, you're naming your kid after an elephant, but elephants can be pretty tough customers.

3. Darzee. I'm frankly surprised that someone hasn't already used this spelling for their newborn daughter 'Darcy.'

2. Rikki-Tikki-Tavi. A good pick if you want to name your kid after a Jungle Book character but are kind of shy about it. No problem; the innocuous name of 'Rikki' will allay suspicion, aside from the somewhat odd spelling. It's only when the kid reveals his last name that the tribute is fully revealed, and since some kids hide their middle names like a state secret, it might never get out into popular consumption.

1. Shere Khan. Pretty much the undisputed winner here. It's hard to underestimate the bad-assery of naming your kid after a suave, manipulative bengal tiger. There are even two versions of Shere --- the original Jungle Book version and the suit-wearing evil millionaire version from Talespin. Also, if the boy ever misbehaved, you can bust out your best Shatner impression with a KHANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

(also, if you reverse it, the Top Five Worst Child's Names Based On New York City Boroughs)

5. Bronx. Just brutal. It is less a name than the sound you make when you have a piece of phlegm caught in the back of your throat. Plus, Yankee Stadium is in the Bronx. PASS.

4. Manhattan. Another bad one. Do you really want to be associated with noted cousin-lover Shelbyville Manhattan?

3. Queens. For a boy, this is out of the question. Even if he grows up to be gay, it's still a name that will earn him a lifetime of scorn in the schoolyard at recess. For a girl, it's not a terrible name, if a bit presumptuous about your daughter's future lot in life. It would be like naming your kid Surgeon or Supreme Court Justice (Scoju, for short).

2. Staten Island. Maybe an odd choice for #2, but 'Staten' doesn't sound too out of place compared to other preppy male names like Hunter, Jaden, Cooper, etc. Also, it would be kind of cool to have 'Island' as a middle name.

1. Brooklyn. By far the best-sounding name of the bunch. It has a very melodious ring to it on its own, but the name could also be shortened to either Brook or Lyn if you want to take that route. Fun fact: the Beckhams used this name on one of their kids because, as the story goes, he was conceived there. I'm not crazy about it as a boy's name, but hey, who am I to argue with the footballer who has led Los Angeles Galaxy to zero playoff appearances? As a girl's name, Brooklyn is great. It's officially going on my list of future daughter names, right between Marquette and Markizabeth.

So clearly Ashlee and Fall Out Boy needed to go with Brooklyn Shere Khan. That's a name that inspires confidence and awe. On the bright side, the name is still available for my future progeny. If you get knocked up anytime soon, I beg of you, don't steal it! I don't want a George Costanza/Seven fiasco all over again.

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