Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Battle of the Day

Sharon, Lois & Bram


An Elephant

Competitors: The elephant in question is an African Bush elephant, male, fully grown, and of moderate temper. Most elephants aren't jerks like Stampy, but let's say that this particular elephant has been given particular incentive to win this fight. Oakland A's season tickets, for example.

Sharon, Lois & Bram have themselves to rely on. Not even Eric Nagler can provide assistance. I understand that Lois has been suffering from cancer in recent years, so in the interest of fairness, let's say that this is Sharon, Lois & Bram circa 1985, when they were in their primes. I believe that 1985 was also the year I saw them perform at Alumni Hall. I don't remember much about the concert, since I was high on ecstasy.

Battleground: An empty hockey arena. Let's say....the Scottrade Center in St. Louis.

Prep: As per the rules of engagement, the consensus underdogs (Sharon, Lois & Bram) get a day of preparation time to formulate a strategy. This prep time does not allow for the acquisition of weapons, bombs or any type of outside device that can be used to influence the decision. This is bad luck for Sharon, Lois & Bram, though they are allowed to bring their guitars into the battle since Sharon, Lois & Bram without guitars is like a squadron of WWII soliders without a guy from Brooklyn. However, they are allowed to consult with zookeepers, ivory dealers, or whomever they can think of who might have information about how to best an elephant in combat. These conversations would be awesome and hilarious, by the way.

The elephant, as the favourite, gets only an hour of prep time. I predict he will use this time to eat leaves.

Rules: Rule No. 1...there are no rules! Rule No. 2.....Rule No. 1 is a metaphor, of course there are rules. Rule No. 3......Victory is achieved by making your opponent submit, knocking them out, or killing them. Rule No. 4.....You aren't allowed to run away. Rule No. 5.....No time limit.

Referee: The lead official for this bout will be me. POWER~~~! My only job is to make the ten-count in the case of a knockout.

Match analysis: The elephant wins. I'm not sure if it will be via knockout, submission or murder, but since there are three opponents, let's be fair and say one of each. Bram is killed when the elephant steps on him. Sharon tries a running spear tackle, but unfortunately has bad form and knocks herself out against the elephant's mighty leg. Lois submits when the elephant catches her in a grounded double-chickenwing with a bridge.

Sharon, Lois & Bram will give a game effort, but I think they're out of their league. They're facing a goddamn elephant in hand-to-hand combat. A triple guitar-smash against the elephant's leg is their best offensive maneuver, but this would likely only result in the elephant becoming enraged. It's possible they may try to sooth the elephant using their children's pop, but this may also backfire. The "Skinnamarink" hand motion is actually not unlike an elephant's trunk, which may (at best) mildly confuse the elephant, or (at worst) turn him on.

Final verdict: The elephant. It really isn't close.

1 comment:

adamweav |at| gmail |dot| com said...