Friday, August 28, 2015

Good Commercial/Bad Commercial

There are already about three thousand Emmy categories, but is there one for best performance in a commercial?  If not, I recommend founding this category simply to award a trophy to the guy who plays Captain Obvious.  If an Emmy can’t be arranged, I’ll settle for an Oscar or Nobel Prize.

Talk about nailing a role.  If I had to think up a character named ‘Captain Obvious,’ I’m not sure my first choice would’ve been a pleasant cross between the Edge, Don Lake, Tobias Funke and My Name Is Earl-era Jason Lee, but there you have it.  In lesser hands, these one-joke commercials would get old, get Captain Obvious’ delivery kills it every single time.  Will the ads actually induce me to use  Well, I haven’t used the site before and I’m not necessarily sure I ever will….but the ads don’t hurt. 

The actor’s name is Brandon Moynihan, whose IMDB page is incredibly sparse.  This guy needs more roles.  Since the rumour is that Chris Evans is retiring from acting after his Marvel contract is up, it seems clear (or ‘obvious’) to me that Captain Obvious should take over as Captain America.  He wouldn’t even need a promotion.

No company in the world spends as much as advertising as Coca-Cola, and this is the best they can do?  “Enjoying a Coke on a summer’s day” is a trope as old as the drink itself, yet this ad takes it to a ridiculous extreme.  This all takes place in ONE DAY.  Not since the Wet Hot American Summer kids took a trip into town has so much been packed into a short frame of time. 

Actually, in the same way that the WHAS kids get hooked on heroin, I suspect this Jess girl and her friends have a coke habit…er, a Coke habit.  This is the extended version of the commercial, yet still, from start to finish Jess and her friend drink at least six full bottles of Coke.  We can infer that it’s actually probably seven bottles, given the street party at the end shows pretty much everyone with a bottle in their hand, so Jess probably snagged yet another one for herself while she’s throwing ol’ Chris a bone.  (Not literally, perverts.)  This incredible Coke intake might explain how she’s able to do so much in one day, since Jess is clearly running on enough caffeine to fuel a mid-sized city.  Good lord, six or seven bottles!  I’m as big a soda aficionado as anyone, and I already drink too much of the stuff as it is, yet even I’ve come nowhere close to that.  I think the absolute most I’ve ever had in a single day is three bottles, and that was a one-time occurrence since I felt like a Kuato was about to burst out of my stomach by day’s end.  And here’s little 100-pound Jess packing down the equivalent an entire 12-can case from dawn to dusk?!  Good lord!

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