Saturday, March 02, 2013

I'm The Smartest NFL Player

....or I would be, if I played in the NFL.  I can tell since I more or less dominated 12 sample questions from the Wonderlic test, the personality and aptitude exam given to all NFL prospects at the scouting combine.  (The Wonderlic is given to all sorts of people in all sorts of fields but is best known in popular culture through its connection to football.)

I say this not to brag, since here are the questions.  Not exactly a lot of real brain-busters on the list, eh?  The full test is 50 questions that must be answered in 12 minutes, and since there's nothing here that requires more than 30 seconds to work out the math on, that time limit shouldn't be too onerous.  Still, NFL players traditionally do hilariously poorly on this thing, with an average score of 20.  Twenty!  Not even a passing grade!  Am I expecting too much from athletes who are hit in the head about 100 times per game?  Probably, but still, twenty out of fifty is the average?!

This said, according to that Wiki article, the top scores in NFL Wonderlic history belong to a real motley crew of players.  Ryan Fitzpatrick and Blaine Gabbert, both of whom are currently stinking up the QB position for the Bills and Jaguars respectively, both had very impressive scores.  Matt Birk is a multi-time Pro Bowler and got a very high Wonderlic score but he's also against gay marriage, so maybe the test isn't the best judge of overall intelligence.  Legendary draft bust Mike Mamula got a 49, so one can only presume Mamula drilled Wonderlic-style questions as hard as he drilled other combine exercises, which is how he rose to his high draft position.  Obviously the ability to answer simple math and logic questions bears little relevance to how one can perform on the football field, and that's not even counting the number of players who didn't take the test seriously and mailed it in.  I can see Jay Cutler showing up, taking one look at the thing and putting out his cigarette on the "fill in your name" slot.

The only perfect 50 went to Pat McInally, who went to Harvard and had a nice career as a punter in the 70's and 80's, and whose post-football claim to fame has largely been, "the guy who aced the Wonderlic."   So while I would be the smartest player in the NFL today, I can't say I'm the smartest ever, since by the Wonderlic's standards I'd be tied with McInally.  But, really, I'd say I'm probably ahead of him.  Don't get me wrong, Harvard is an okay school, but I went to the University of We...uh, I mean, Western University.  American readers may recognize the name since Harvard is so often referred to as "the United States' answer to Western University."  My school is playing on such a high intellectual level that when the layperson may point out that UWO isn't actually in Western Canada, then BOOM!  Hidden geography lesson.  #YouJustGotWesterned

I may not be able to bench-press 400 pounds or run the 40-yard dash in under five seconds or, hell, even finish a 40-yard dash without collapsing.  But, I have the brains!  [/Andy Kaufman]  When it comes to intellectual prowess, no NFL player can hold a candle to me.  Someone like Gabbert could light a candle and attempt to hold it in my general direction, but he would fail miserably, forcing him to carry take his candle to Pete's dragon and try his luck there.  Brains over brawn, all the way.

I may also be the smuggest NFL player.

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