Amateur Dream Analysis

It's time to once again break down my recent dreams and try to figure out what the hell is going on in my subconscious! BRAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!


DREAM: I'm watching an Olympic diving event, or more specifically, an NBC promo package about the biggest name in U.S. diving....Lady Gaga. What? Yeah, in this bizarre alternate reality, Lady Gaga has stepped away from pop stardom to somehow qualify for the American diving squad. Her actual dive isn't a dive at all, but rather a half-cannonball, half-knees first leap into the water that gets her instantly disqualified. She crawls out of the pool angrily bitching to anyone within range of her voice. For the record, Gaga isn't competing in her standard insane wardrobe. She's just in a regular navy blue one-piece bathing suit and a diving cap. And a snorkel for some reason.....wait, that was just her giant nose.

ANALYSIS: Other than my becoming the first heterosexual male to ever dream about Lady Gaga, I'm not sure what this one meant. Is it commentary on Gaga herself --- all hype, big expectation, but when it comes to actual performance, she falls short? Is it a prophetic glimpse into a future collapse (or 'dive,' if you will) in her popularity? Or a nose-dive! Hey-o! Is it a hint that NBC will become so desperate for Olympic ratings that they'll start recruiting celebrities to join the teams? I don't want to live in a world where the relay team's anchor leg is run by Biggest Loser contestants. (Wait, or would that be hilarious?)


DREAM: I'm riding around in the Ecto-1! Score! The Ecto-1, for the uninitiated, is better known as 'the Ghostbusters car.' I'm riding alongside four random dudes in Ghostbusters gear and we seem to be driving through the bland industrial storage landscape of East York or Scarborough. We finally stop, or are pulled over, at one of the endless industrial parks by, you guessed it, Jennifer Aniston. She's using her high-pitched upset voice (Friends fans know what I'm talking about) to chew us out for being late, and the guys in the Ghostbusters gear all mumble apologies.

ANALYSIS: This is certainly not the first time I've dreamed of being a Ghostbuster, though I don't think I was actually in the gear myself. Maybe there just as a casual observer? Omniscient narrator? Or maybe I was there on a ride-along. For the record, I'd probably pay into the four figures in real life to go on a Ghostbusters ride-along, just saying. Aniston's presence can probably be explained by my recent re-reading of an old Bill Simmons column wherein Simmons claimed that Aniston was purposely staying single to keep herself famous, since she's eternally the victim of the Pitt/Jolie hookup. What she is doing in this Ghostbusters scenario is a bit more puzzling. Has she become a caretaker of the Ecto-1? Is this some weird GB remake with Aniston starring in a beefed-up Janine role? The facelessness of the actual Ghostbusters themselves ties into my longstanding theory that the GB franchise can easily be restarted with new actors and characters, just as long as they stick to the classic four-person model. Now, this doesn't mean I want a new Ghostbusters show to feature Aniston/Janine as the star and four randoms as the actual guys themselves, but still, the casting possibilities for new Ghostbusters are endless. The Scarborough location is explained by the fact that the area is a ghost town. Hey-o!


DREAM: I'm an assistant for none other than Liberal MP and Hockey Hall-of-Famer Ken Dryden. Dryden's office has one corner that's just stuffed with Habs memorabilia in a glass case. My job seems to consist of nothing but copying one set of data (literally just random numbers) from one set of journals into another set of journals. Dryden, by the way, acted like a bored seven-year-old. He kept wandering around the office, blathering on about books, and getting snippy whenever I said, "Uh, sir, I need to get to work...."

ANALYSIS: Man, if this is at all accurate, I'm glad Dryden didn't become the Liberal leader. What a baby. Good thing we ended up with Michael "If You Thought John Kerry Was Uninspiring..." Ignatieff. That's working out well! Granted, my entire support of Dryden initially was pretty much solely due to the fact that it'd be cool to wear the prime minister's throwback jersey, but still, that's a pretty big plus. Maybe this dream is my Kafkaesque interpretation of what office work is like. Mind-numbing data entry, an annoying boss, having to stare at Canadiens history and being reminded that the Leafs haven't won a goddamn thing since 1967, etc. My version of "Yes, Minister" is much less entertaining than the British version.