Sunday, October 04, 2009

Karl Pilkington and HOCKEYBEAR!!!

Another video-link post, this one in tribute to two major things that took place this past weekend. One, the release of The Invention Of Lying, the new Ricky Gervais movie. Two, the full-blown opening of the new NHL season. If you combined the two, I guess the result would be a movie about either Gary Bettman, or the first man who ever said that Vesa "Red Light" Toskala was an NHL-caliber goaltender.

First, Gervais. Aside from the original Office and 'Extras,' perhaps his greatest masterpiece is actually his podcast series with collaborator Stephen Merchant and radio producer Karl Pilkington. Over time, the show evolved from the Ricky-and-Stephen show to the two of them almost taking a back seat to the unintentionally hilarious stories and observations from their dim-witted producer Karl. Ricky Gervais laughing is perhaps just as funny as Gervais' comedy bits altogether. A lot of the podcasts can be found on YouTube, but perhaps the funniest one ever featured Gervais' greatest reaction to one of Karl's stories. "OH!.....GOD!" Ricky is in hysterics, Stephen just sounds dumbfounded trying to figure out Karl's nonsense.

Now, onto hockey. I used to think that Maple Leafs mascot Carlton the Bear was a big deal, but that was before HOCKEYBEAR swooped into my life. Imagine the 'angry blue jay' animation they used to show before Blue Jays games, except multiplied by a zillion and featuring a polar bear.

Two bits of greatness make this clip even better. I found this clip on, of all places, a University Of Iowa fan blog, and the original poster and a commenter had a great tete-a-tete about just how incredible HOCKEYBEAR was as both a mascot and, apparently, as an intergalactic herald of Galactus.


Let's recap what just happened. The mascot did all of the following in rapid succession:

1. Appeared from a constellation (Ursa Major, to be precise, and folks, this is one major fucking Ursa)
2. Exploded in a blue nuclear shockwave that destroyed an entire planet that was probably full of nonbelievers
3. Flew around space to Kenny Loggins' classic "Highway to the Danger Zone," even though you're not supposed to be able to hear things in space
4. Acquired a cosmic hockey stick from who the fuck knows where
5. Made its own fucking wormhole for intergalactic travel
6. Growled at everybody and bared its teeth
7. Used said cosmic hockey stick to knock a satellite into another dimension for no discernable reason
8. Made our moon completely explode by flying very close to it and growling again extra hard
9. Came to Earth in order to flatten the entire city of Anchorage with its atomic bomb powers
10. Ran over 300 miles to Fairbanks in about 5 seconds instead of showing remorse over the genocide it just committed
11. Found the one building in the entire city with electricity and tore its roof off
12. Jumped into said arena and wrecked the playing surface the teams were hoping to use
13. Made Metallica's music play sheerly by force of will, and the good Metallica, none of this Whiskey in the Jaro shit
14. Went back into his own logo, which is now covered in exploding blue flames

Con....."I don't understand why I am supposed to cheer for this bear?"

He blew up most of the galaxy, probably fucked up someone’s DirecTV service by blowing up that satellite, causingthem to a miss an important football game, and the destroyed the moon (which can’t be a good thing for Earth. I assume at the very least the tides get all fucked up, and at most large chucks of it start falling towards earth and cause Armegeddon, which was a really bad movie). And that was just while he was still in space! Once he landed, he flattened a city and killed millions (I assume it was a rival city but still!), trampled the beautiful Alaskan wilderness, and then fucked up the home stadium and ice of the team he ostensibly cheers for.

Plus, he clearly understands the secrets of interstellar travel, but refuses to share them. How the fuck am I supposed to visit Degobah and party with Yoda if he doesn’t tell me how? No, asshole, “roar” is not an answer!

Basically what I’m saying is that this bear is a dick, and I hate him. Even if he does spontaneously generate awesome music.

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