Wednesday, October 15, 2008

If An Election Falls In The Forest...

To get to my apartment from Etobicoke you first need to wait out The Slowest Advance Left Signal Ever. This makes returning home from a 'quick' jaunt to the store into an exercise in patience, since part of what makes TSALSE so unique is the fact that there are invariably at least a half-dozen cars in front of you no matter what time of the day you're on the road. And of that group, there's at least one clown who doesn't realize the advance is on, and thus his foolish lack of awareness will cost you precious nanoseconds during the 0.94 seconds that the advance left is actually flashing. Sometimes I try to avoid this delay by simply going through the intersection, turning right at the next block and then coming back around to the same intersection from the south --- this is perhaps best characterized as the 'stay in constant motion' theory espoused by Ray Liotta's character in Cop Land.* The trouble is, though, that these blocks are pretty lengthy, so oftentimes one can try to be clever and take the shortcut, only to find that you're getting back to the corner in roughly the same time you would've been waiting in line, if not even later.

So, in short, the election was Stephen Harper trying to beat an advance (or advancing?) left, only to find himself basically right back where he started. The difference is that when I try to make the shortcut I'm just costing myself a few pennies worth of gas --- Harper cost the taxpayers millions with this pointless campaign. Nice work, PM.

Not that the other parties did anything to help themselves. The Liberals lost several seats, thus giving Stephane Dion a ticket on the Loser Express, engineered by Stockwell Day and with Kim Campbell taking tickets. The NDP won four more seats, which might stiffen Jack Layton's mustache a bit but otherwise doesn't mean anything. The Bloc left with 48 seats, and came back with 48 seats, which is the definition of comme ci, comme ca. The Greens lost their one seat, so at least they have the 'reduce' part of 'reduce, reuse, recycle' mastered.

The truly sad part of the night is that my own home riding, London-West, elected Conservative Ed Holder. Yes, that's right, ol' Sue Barnes isn't just on the Loser Express, she's tied to the tracks. What a shameful day for my home riding. In the end, my decision to vote NDP ended up being a momentary lapse of insanity that ran out basically the moment I hit the 'publish' button on the blog. I indeed kept my Liberal-voting streak alive in order to try and hold off Holder, but it was for naught. Yikes, I hope my temporary endorsement didn't cause a surge of NDP votes in London-West that allowed Holder to split the vote....then again, like, five people read this blog. I'm not Ralph Nader quite yet. For one, he advocated seatbelt safety, whereas seatbelts so enrage me that I once broke into a car just to gnaw through one like some type of rabid wolverine. It was the first and last time I ever mixed cough syrup with Fanta.

Anyway, back to the election. This is perhaps the darkest day in Byron since the Buns-A-Plenty closed down. On the bright side, my Toronto residence is located in the riding of Gerard Kennedy, who won himself a seat on Tuesday in what will hopefully serve as the unofficial kickoff to his next Liberal leadership campaign. So at least I have one place to go where I'm not lorded over by some Conservative douchebag (note to self: pretend the whole country isn't technically being lorded over by such a douchebag).


* = isn't it unfortunate that this third-rate police drama will make it much more awkward for any plans to make a biopic about the life of American composer Aaron Copland? And what if Sly Stallone is the lead in that film, too?! Confusion.

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I've cut short the last movies poll since it's apparently that virtually nobody has seen any of the Best Picture winners from the 1920's. I'm declaring Broadway Melody the winner with a whopping single vote. I'm just glad Sunrise didn't get the nod, since that movie still holds up well today.

So this is it, the big finale! Which is truly the worst Best Picture in Academy Awards history? This highly scientific poll will surely determine the answer!

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Tonight's iTunes playlist.....

Can't Stop Falling In Love, Cheap Trick
Lady Madonna, The Beatles
I Will Wait, Hootie & The Blowfish
The Train, Outkast
The Show Must Go On, Queen
Kentucky Rain, Elvis Presley
Soap Star Joe, Liz Phair
Wild Night, Van Morrison
Street Mission, U2
Let Me Sleep, Pearl Jam
Gettin' In Tune, The Who
Neverlost, Outkast
Helmet Head, Great Big Sea
Neverlost, Smashing Pumpkins
The Good Life, Weezer
Jigsaw Falling Into Place, Radiohead
When You Wasn't Famous, The Streets
Showtime, Nelly Furtado
On The Run, Pink Floyd
God Moving Over The Face Of The Waters, Moby

2 comments:

Kyle Wasko said...

ummm...you don't like Copland? The fuck?

Question Mark said...

I just said it was third-rate, I didn't say I didn't like it. I definitely didn't love it, though.