Friday, March 16, 2018

The March Holiday Rush

Sorry I haven’t been posting much lately.  It’s been due to my multiple daily trips to Hallmark to get greeting cards for the onslaught of wacky March holidays, all of which just pile together in a nonstop parade until you just wish Flanders was dead.

The list…

March 14, Pi Day
: What better way to celebrate the legendary mathematical constant 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510582097494459230781640628620899862803482534211706798214808651328230664709384460955058223172535940812848111745028410270193852110555964462294895493038196442881097566593344612847564823378678316527120190914564856692346034861045432664821339360726024914127372458700660631558817488152092096282925409171536436789259036001133053054882046652138414695194151160943305727036575959195309218611738193261179310511854807446237996274956735188575272489122793818301194912983367336244065664308602139494639522473719070217986094370277053921717629317675238467481846766940513200056812714526356082778577134275778960917363717872146844090122495343014654958537105079227968925892354201995611212902196086403441815981362977477130996051870721134999999837297804995105973173281609631859502445945534690830264252230825334468503526193118817101000313783875288658753320838142061717766914730359825349042875546873115956286388235378759375195778185778053217122680661300192787661119590921642019893809525720106548586327886593615338182796823030195203530185296899577362259941389124972177528347913151557485724245415069595082953311686172785588907509838175463746493931925506040092770167113900984882401285836160356370766010471018194295559619894676783744944825…..well, you get the picture, by giving Pi its own holiday on 3/14?

March 15, Ides Of March Day
: Ok, maybe “holiday” is an odd way to mark the day Julius Caesar was assassinated.  It’s generally bad form to celebrate assassinations in any way, frankly, even though Boxing Day was founded after Gerald Boxing of Birmingham, UK was killed when he was using a outhouse and a hot air balloon crashed into it on December 26, 1837.  It was such a hilarious day to go out that we’ve remembered poor Gerry ever since.  That’s why so many cities have the traditional balloon race every December 26, plus every country sends its most accomplished strongman for the annual “outhouse toss.”  Anyway, I hope you celebrated the Ides by eating a Caesar salad and washing it down with a Caesar cocktail.

March 16, “Stone Cold” Steve Austin Day: Austin 3/16 says I just took a non-denominational bank holiday on your ass!  Like drinking a Caesar on March 15, the traditional way to celebrate Austin day also involves beverages, namely opening two cans or bottles and pouring the contents into your mouth while holding the cans/bottles at arm’s length over your head.

March 17, St. Patrick’s Day: Not much is known about this obscure Irish holiday.  It may have been founded after Lester Patrick, 44-year-old coach of the New York Rangers, had to personally take over as goaltender during a 1928 Stanley Cup Finals game after the regular starter suffered an eye injury.  Patrick played well the rest of the game and the Rangers went on to win.  (Imagine the headlines if this happened today.). However, as amazing as this scenario was, it probably wasn’t the sole inspiration for the holiday since according to my exhaustive research, there has never been a Stanley Cup Finals game played in Ireland.  That said, the Maple Leafs were known as the St. Patricks before taking on their current name. 

As always, a discussion of St. Patrick’s Day has devolved into a discussion of old-timey hockey history.

March 18: This one is more of a personal milestone, as it’s my parents’ anniversary.  To my knowledge, neither Lester Patrick, Steve Austin, or Gerald Boxing were involved in setting my parents up, nor did my folks meet while in a math class.  Granted, a scenario where their eyes lock over a row of digits and my dad goes “baby, you’re the only constant I need” is pretty romantic.

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