If I ever got to meet a genie, all-knowing entity or some kind of deity, I obviously would stick to mostly deep questions (meaning of life, is there extraterrestrial life, etc.) and I wouldn't go all "Homer meets the Kwik-E-Mart president." That said, if I got the opportunity for more than, say, a half-dozen questions, I'm pretty sure the last one on the list would be asking this all-knowing being whatever the hell happened to my giant fly sunglasses.
If you knew me between the years 1998-2007(ish), you probably saw me wearing these oversized jet-black sunglasses with those thick lens at least once. If you didn't know me then, imagine the kind of glasses that either a very old woman or a Kardashian might wear. (The picture at the top of the post is a pretty close visual approximation.)
Now, I cited old women and Kardashians, but my real inspiration for these shades was Bono. My U2 fandom really took hold in 1997 and, upon becoming obsessed with the band, I took to wearing these sunglasses as a tribute to Bono's "Fly" character that he adopted for the ZooTV tour and really, for basically all of 1991-93. I'm not going to lie, he probably pulled them off better than a prematurely-balding 17-year-old did, but that's just a matter of taste and opinion.
Now admittedly, I went a little overboard with these things in 1998-99. I may or may not have (so, did) worn these things all the time at school, even during most classes. This was when I learned a valuable lesson --- if you're a good student, high school teachers will get you get away with basically anything. Even the hard-ass teachers who cracked down on anyone else for even wearing a hat in class could've seen me walk into the room with a live bird on my head and just gone, "meh, Mark hands in his stuff on time, whatever." I wore these shades so often that, when running for student council that year, I used two giant bug-eye lenses as my campaign logo. In a possibly-related story, I badly lost that election, hearing through the grapevine that I finished fourth out of four candidates. On the one hand, my three opponents were arguably the three most popular kids in school. On the other, "I wear sunglasses all the time!" isn't exactly a great campaign platform, so the electorate spoke wisely.
Anyway, I greatly dialed back the sunglass-wearing and from then on, I just wore these shades when (y'know) it was sunny out, like a normal person. I got years of use out of those glasses and that's when the mystery deepens.
Between August-October 2007, I took a selfie wearing those shades and a toque* on my laptop camera. I'm able to pinpoint those specific dates since the picture was taken at the place I was subletting in Toronto at the time. After that timeframe, however, I have no idea what happened to my beloved fly shades.
* = the toque, I should add, was specifically bought because it resembles the tight-knit caps worn by the Edge. I still have that toque to this day. What's with me dressing like the members of U2?
It's very weird since, as noted, I still wore those things all the time, though I'd also branched out and had about three other pairs of (normal, non-enormous lensed) sunglasses that I kept in a rotation. So it's possible that my fly shades just got lost in the shuffle of packing my stuff to head back to London in November 2007, or I still had them during the winter of 2007-08 and I lost them then, or perhaps one of my friends simply got sick to death of those stupid-looking glasses and stole them in a fit of pique. OR, as is more likely, one of my fashionista friends stole them out of jealousy since they were just beyond stylish. It's annoying to not have a specific date locked down as to when I last had the damn things, since it really widens my search parameters. They could be in any part of southern Ontario that borders the 403, really.
In the years since, I've looked for other shades that can fill the giant, bug-lensed hole in my heart but it's no use. I haven't found any that are just right. Some have lenses that are too thin, or too properly circular as opposed to bugged out. Some have earpieces that are also too thin. The biggest problem, I've found, is that most earpieces have some kind of goofy design on them whereas I'm looking for just jet-black. Now, I'm just dozens of you will read this post and surprise me with fly-style glasses for my next birthday but don't bother. I'm very picky about the style I want. I'll probably just look at your gift and throw it on the ground in a huff, a la Veruca Salt, since it's just not specifically what I want.
Yes, I realize the irony of wearing sunglasses in the first place to emulate Bono and now I still haven't found what I'm looking for.
If you have any information as to the whereabouts of my beloved sunglasses, call my 24-hour hotline at 555-MARKFLYSHADES. I realize that this is longer than the usual amount of digits in a phone number, but I made a special deal with the phone company. The president of Bell once lost a novelty t-shirt with a picture of a cartoon aardvark saying "Aardvark Always Pays Off!" and its loss haunts him to this very day, so my situation was met with a lot of sympathy within the telephone industry.