Saturday, September 08, 2012

Parent Of The Year*

I've always been a big fan of ducks.  In fact, I've often dreamt of having a trained pet duck (named, of course, Poliduck) who follows me around, lands on my arm like a trained falcon, honks after my jokes in the styles of Ed McMahon and craps on my enemies.  This is probably…only probably….a pipe dream, as I'd imagine training ducks is much harder than I imagine.  Shitting on command is hard enough for a human to do themselves, let alone trying to teach it to an animal.  Also, if I relied on Poliduck's honks as rimshots, if he ever didn't honk for just natural bein'-an-animal reasons, it would really make it seem like my joke had bombed, which obviously NEVER happens.

Anyway, enough of this nonsense.  This is all meant to say that I like ducks, a feeling I believe is shared by the populace.  And baby ducks?  Get outta town, few things are cuter.  So essentially, this video (brought to my attention by Deadspin) is terrifying as hell.  It's basically real-life Frogger, except the stakes are much higher and ducks are way cuter than frogs.  Rest assured, this was not an example of how Poliduck would behave.  No trained duck of mine would ever take such a big risk with its pack of children.

This one can't been chalked up to the parental standby of "it'll build character," a la Calvin's dad --- this was just a dumb move, Mama or Papa Duck.  I realize there really isn't a good time to get across a highway if you're a family of ducks but geez, wait until dark or something.  It's like this one time my pals and I were driving up in the rural Ottawa valley area and accidentally hit a fox with our car.  No cars passed us coming or going on that road for a good 15 minutes, so with all that open time, that dumb-ass fox picked the exact moment of our car's passing as the best possible moment to get to the other side of the road.  That's procrastination as its worst, folks.  You're in no rush, family of ducks.  Just wait around for a few hours, eating bugs or flapping your wings at nothing in particular.

To enhance your viewing experience, play this video while also syncing up this music at the same time.

* = it should be noted that the actual parent of the year award went to my mom and dad.  That's now 30 straight years they've tied for the honour, a statistically unlikely deadlock that we'll likely never see again in our lifetime.  #analysis

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