Answering Spam E-Mail

From: Mr. Frank

My dear friend, I am a European and I would like to invest in your country in any profitable and reliable investment that you can manage as my investment manager or partner me in as my partner. Please e-mail me on - frankingx@msn.com so that we can talk better on any investment you know is more profitable in your country.


Dear Mr. Frank,

While I'm flattered that you regard me as a focal point for international banking advice, I'm not sure that I am necessarily the best person to serve as your gateway to the Canadian investment industry. While I would love to partner with you as your partner, I'm afraid any future business meetings we might share would devolve into the two of us staring blankly across from each other at a local diner, while you gesticulate wildly and I struggle to understand your rudimentary English. Communication is the key to any good partnership. Also, not to sound too unpatriotic here, I'm not sure that this is necessarily the best time to be looking for a key investment in Canada. The economy is, ah, not great. The only Canadian industry that's thriving in these turbulent times is our sex act business. (p.s. this link is family-friendly, unlike any other link on the internet that involves the words 'sex act'). If you're looking for any investment tip at all....um....er.....go with apple sauce. There's money to be made there. I know I certainly eat a lot of it. So yeah, put your money in apple sauce and you'll be the richest man in whatever European country you're from.


Sincerely,

Your pal, Mark

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From: (unknown address)

Dear Sir/Madam,
We are please to bring to your notice that your email just won £500,000 Pounds in our just concluded 10th anniversary give-away promo. No purchases of tickets was required.Participants for this promo were randomly selected from worldwide range of web searchers who use the Google search engine(Googler) and other Google ancillary services. For more info/how to claim your prize,send your winning Ticket number:00869575733664,CGPN:7-22-71-00-66-12,Serial
numbers:BTD/8070447706/06,Lucky numbers:12-12-23-35-40-41(12) and personal details to the processing agent

Processing agent:Mr Francis Henson
E-mail:101agent.franciss@gmail.com,prizeclaims.processingunit.2008@live.com.
Wish you goodluck as you spend your fortune,
Thank you for using Google.


Dear random Google dude,

WOOOOOOO!!!! I won!!!!!! A half-million pounds! Eat it, other search engines! I knew I was right to use Google's engine (which, apparently, is called Googler....who knew?) all along!

I think I'll take my new fortune and invest it in Lycos. It's time for a comeback!


Sincerely,

Your pal, Mark

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From: OMEGA CYBER MINISTRIES

You shall be remembered this month

God does not call a people He is not prepared for. YOU came to the internet at this time, to check your mail, but God is removing the Vail of obscurity through the message you are reading now. Jesus said to Martha whose brother Lazarus was dead in John chapter 11 vs.25-26....'I am the resurrection and the life''. He that believeth in me, though He were dead, yet shall He live, though He was dead, your case might be completely closed, you might have come to the dead line of your dead end. No hope, no peace, no name, shame is looming, the battle is getting hotter and tougher. No matter how bad the case may be before you finish reading this mail, a drastic, sporadic, eminent change would have taken place. Jesus is visiting you via this message and I have been sent by God as a messenger and that message is ''you have getting your victory Now.

Delay is not denial, what is delayed most time comes out more glorious. This time you are receiving double honor for every shame. Every one that has laughed at you is coming to celebrate with you.

God is never slow, God is never late. It is better to be slow and sure than to be fast and fall. God might not be too early but He can never be late.

Do not look for help else where look up to God because God is our very present help in times of trouble. Psalms 46 vs.10.You will have a song even in the midnight, which is characterized by weeping. Sorrow might endure for a night but joy comes in the morning psalms 30 vs.5. When the lord turned again the captivity of Zion we were like them that dreamed. Psalms 126 vs. 1. You are stepping into your long awaited dream land. I mean to say before this year is over, you can still celebrate. People will gather in your house with gladness of heart because the testimonies that you shall be experiencing.

It might appear that God has forgotten you and everybody else has, but God is remembering you with incredible speed and restoration in Jesus Precious Name. One day Abraham, a father of nation after receiving a promise from God about Isaac his son waited until 25 years, but God remembered him.

Naman in 2 kings chapter 5 was a great man but He was a leper, everything about you seems to be going well but just one question is bugging you. You don't have the answer, you don't know what else to do. But the lord that knows all is answering you now. Just as Namans story changed, your story is changing today.

Everybody needs a man to help Him at some time but

Man can fail you but God cannot fail you. God has visited you via this medium and each day in the month December shall be days to be much remembered, As the lord lives amazing testimonies, something turning suddenly is happening to you, a change is coming your way suddenly. Your status is changing speedingly.You are long overdue for a miraculous breakthrough. But there is what qualifies you for Gods visitation and breakthrough and I will be sharing with you 2 Non Negotiable Qualification for Gods visitation and breakthrough.

The first is FAITH; Faith is not just believing God, faith is essentially behaving God by obeying His word completely to become what God has said. You have been set to be the Head and not the tail, every blessing in God delivers at the level of your faith. Matthew 9 vs.29. You need more faith for more blessings. You are not in your highest point in life you are still on your way to your high places. You will not miss your steps, get back to the bible, that is where the answer is, get inspirational, motivational books to boost your faith and begin to congratulate people around you that are celebrating. You are about to be the next one to celebrate. God has made an utter end to your present challenge. You are coming out of every ugly predicament. stand up from where you are sitting in a moment and move around in joy, praising God things have just turned around for you.

The second Non Negotiable qualification for Gods visitation is SACRIFICE; sacrificial giving of money or material to God through a man of God or a prophet you believe in, in any form, can speeding the hands of God to remember you. The bible says in 2nd chronicles 20 vs. 20 say; believe in the lord your God so shall you be established believe also in His prophet so shall you prosper. Matthew 10 vs. 41 says He that receives a prophet in the name of a prophet shall receive a prophet's reward.Prophets and Men of God are Gods prophetic gate way to a fulfilled and ever flourishing life. You can live in abundance even when there is scarcity by just connecting to a prophet sacrificially. The widow of Zarephat gave her last meal to prophet Elijah in 2nd kings chapter 18 And she became a major distributor of oil without any capital. The secret of every star in the kingdom is sacrifice.

Solomon gave thousands of sheep, cattle as sacrifice to God and that same night God visited Him God is visiting you tonight. And When God visits the impossible becomes possible. Is there any impossibility in your life, It shall become possible by tomorrow. God did not only visit Solomon but asked him what He wanted, your utmost desires shall be fulfilled in Jesus Precious Name.

If you have tried everything and nothing seems to work then give a sacrifice. It must pain you to move God, David said ''I will not offer unto God anything that costs me nothing, 2nd Samuel 24 vs.24

Things will never be slow for you in Jesus precious Name.Amen.These two keys; FAITH AND SACRIFICE IS MORE THAN ENOUGH TO MOVE GOD.YOU ARE BLESSED IN JESUS NAME.REJOICE.


Dear Reverend,

Uh....nope.


Sincerely,

Your pal, Mark

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From: Dell Award Promo

We are delighted to inform you that you are one of the THREE LUCKY WINNERS whose e-mail address won the sum payout of 1,000,000.00 pounds.(One Milion Pounds Sterlings Only) in the DELL ELECTRONICS SEASONAL AWARD 2008.

Please be informed that all participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn from over 30,000 company and 50,000,000 individual email addresses and names from all over the world. To file in for your claims, contact our claim's agent with your information as provided below:

Mr. Brown J. Williams
Email:dellpromoint@yahoo.com.hk

Full Names:......Country:....... Tel:......Marital
Status.........Sex.......Age:.... Occupation:.... Nationality:.......
Residential Address: .........How Do You Wish To Receive Your Funds? 1. Cheque Delivery by Courier 2.Direct Bank Transfer

Mrs Maureen Graham
(Information Officer)


Dear Mrs. Graham,

Wow, another contest win! Two in one day! I'm the luckiest man on the face of the earth! (That's right, eat it, Lou Gehrig.) I'd better get cracking on that claim!

Full names: H.R. Pennypacker

Country: Liechtenstein

Tel: Us!

Marital Status: Single. So you know anyone? I'm ever so lonely.

Sex: As I said, ever so lonely.

Age: 87

Occupation: E-mail claim filler-outer

Nationality: Liechtensteinian, or Liechtensteiner

Residential Address: 24 Sussex Drive, Ottawa, Ontario

How do you wish to receive your funds?: I'd like cheque delivery, but not by courier. I'd like it either by carrier pigeon, or by retired tennis great Jim Courier.

Now, send me that cash! Between this and the Google money, I'll have more pounds than Michael Vick's backyard. Dude, I'll be buying a Dell!


Sincerely,

Your pal, Mark

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From: (unknown sender)

Increase your penis size by six inches today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CLICK HERE


Dear Unknown Sender,

Wow, hundreds of thousands of pounds and a bigger dick! What a great day for e-mail! Of course, the 'CLICK HERE' didn't actually lead to a link, it was just written in plain text. So....uh, I guess the ball is in your court. Please get back to me soon, since I was planning to buy a new jockstrap soon and it would be a real annoyance if I bought said strap and then had to exchange it after using your product. You'd be surprised how few sporting goods stores are willing to take back a used jockstrap.


Sincerely,

Your pal, Mark

p.s. I actually received this e-mail three times. Was this just a clerical error, or will your product add six inches with every usage? If it's the latter, well, honestly, that just seems a bit much. The thing doesn't need to snake around like the LOST smoke monster. In the words of Victoria Beckham, anything more than a handful is a waste.