...or, at least, how I see it going down.
[INT. Lorne Michaels' office. Lorne is sitting behind his desk, with Amy Poehler, Casey Wilson and Kristen Wiig sitting in front of it. The women are all dressed in the same outfits --- brown wigs, glasses, business-casual dresses, etc.]
LORNE: Well, I know you've all been wondering who will get to do the Sarah Palin impression, so I'll get right to it. You all put together very impressive presentations. Casey, I particularly enjoyed the way you shot, killed, cooked and ate that moose. But in the end, the impression goes to Kristen.
[Kristen does a little fist-pump. Amy shakes her hand. Casey looks a bit taken aback.]
CASEY: But....I killed a moose! Do you know how hard it is to bring down a whole moose? I wasn't even using a rifle! I was using a BB gun!
LORNE: That's nice Casey, and that mooseburger did taste great. But what it came down to is that Kristen has more executive experience.
AMY: Uh, excuse me, Lorne, actually, I have more experience than Kristen, I've been on the show for eight years.
LORNE: Oh, in your case Amy, we couldn't have you doing the Sarah Palin impression AND the Hillary Clinton impression. That would ruin our plans for the mud wrestling sketch later tonight.
AMY: Fair enough.
LORNE: Kristen, congratulations, I know you'll do a great job. And just think, if McCain/Palin wins the election, you could be doing this impression for eight years.
KRISTEN: So what you're saying is I'd have job security for eight years?
LORNE: Well, not exact....
KRISTEN: Total....job....security.... [she starts to laugh maniacally. Red lighting floods the stage to emulate the flames of hell. Ominous organ music plays. This goes on for about 10 seconds, then stops.]
LORNE: So...um....have a good show. Oh, and on your way out, send in the other audition candidates.
[KRISTEN, AMY and CASEY all exit. A whole cadre of people enters the room. At least a dozen women dressed like Sarah Palin, a cowboy, Abe Lincoln, a guy in a bear suit, three ballerinas, a spaceman and finally, DARRELL HAMMOND and TINA FEY.]
LORNE: I'd ask you all to sit down but we don't have enough chairs. First of all, the ballerinas, cowboys and spaceman, the lack of effort shown in costuming was disappointing. Abe Lincoln, your costume is impressive, but you came as the wrong Republican.
[Lincoln takes off his hat and frustratedly punches through it.]
LORNE: Bear, you just couldn't quite get the voice right.
[Bear growls and holds his head, distressed.]
LORNE: As for you, Tina, you're not on the show anymore.
TINA: But I look *exactly* like her! Come on! I never got to do impressions when I was on the show! Pleasseeeee!
LORNE: Fine. Let's hear it again.
TINA (in a Groucho Marx voice): Nyah, it sure it nice to be here. I just swam here all the way from Alaska. It's easy to swim when you don't have any Anchorage. Or Juneau. Juneau, Juneau, hey, Juneau I'm running for vice-president? First female VP ever. Dick Cheney's already given me some tips. He's a real straight-shooter, that guy, except on a duck hunt. Hoy-oo!
LORNE: Terrible. And Darrell, as for you, I'm not even sure what you're doing here.
DARRELL: Lorne, I have a long history of doing the political impersonations on this show. My Sarah Palin was carefully pieced together from weeks of analyzing footage, her interviews, studying her vocal patterns and mannerisms, the way she moves, the curve of her lips, every single inch of her body...
LORNE: Darrell, were you wearing pants while doing this research?
DARRELL: No. I was dressed like Sarah at the time.
LORNE: I see. Look, everyone, you did fine jobs, but the impression has already been spoken for. I'm very sorry, but I don't have any more time to see anyone else's audition.
[BARACK OBAMA, the real one, enters.]
OBAMA: Do you have time for just one more?
LORNE: Senator, for the last time, the position has been filled.
OBAMA: Oh, I see, I see. So, you've got a female, brunette woman running for vice-president. And so you get a female, brunette actress to play her. You know what that sounds like to me? More of the same!
EVERYONE ELSE: Yeah!
LORNE: But Senator, you have no background in comedy.
OBAMA: I was a community organizer in Chicago. The Republicans seemed to find that funny.
LORNE: I'm sorry, Senator Obama. While you certainly have a lot of charisma, we're looking for someone who can play the role with the kind of satirical accuracy that stands up over a long period of time. For important impersonations, we don't want to simply find a random person in the cast and stretch credibility.
[FRED ARMISEN enters dressed as Obama.]
FRED: Hey Lorne, sorry for bugging you about this for, like, the millionth time, but is it pronounced Bar-ock, or Bar-ack?
OBAMA: It's actually Bar-ock.
FRED: Oh, thanks. And you are...?
OBAMA: I'm live from New York, it's Saturday night!
EP81: Casting Director Sheila Guthrie: Part One
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