The Scariest Movie Of All Time

The Exorcist? Nope.

Rosemary's Baby? Try again.

Blair Witch? Keep guessing.

Jesus Camp? Well, actually, maybe, but that's not the one I mean.

Nope, the clear winner for now and all time is the Madonna/A-Rod sex tape. Don't worry, clicking the link just takes you to a story about the tape, not to the actual footage itself. I wouldn't dare link to such horrific footage since some of you may have a heart condition or just finished eating.

Questions abound. Was A-Rod great for the foreplay and then fell apart when it counted, like he does in the playoffs? When it was over, did Madonna insist that A-Rod make a notch on her bedpost? Was A-Rod frightened by the fact that the bedpost had essentially been whittled down to a twig thanks to all of the notching over the years? Did A-Rod insist that she wear her Blank mask from Dick Tracy, so it looked like he was boning a person without a face? (Frankly, given Madonna's increasingly skeletal form, that might be preferable). Did they put one of her albums on in the background? Was it that crappy American Life album, since it seems like the kind of record you could only listen to while doing something else? Or did A-Rod insist on making love to one of Bernie Williams' classical guitar albums? Did they role play? As in, "You be Breathless Mahoney, I'll be Dick Tracy." "But Alex, I played Breathless in the movie..."?

Ok, I'm done.




.....no, I'm not. Did Timbaland produce the video? Will there be several snide columns about this in New York newspapers about how A-Rod didn't have sex like "a true Yankee"? Did A-Rod prematurely go after four minutes, mistakenly thinking Madonna would appreciate the tribute to her latest single? Did A-Rod become the first man to ever top Jose Canseco as a 40-40 man in both a baseball sense, and a sex-with-Madonna sense? (I'm not even sure what 40-40 would be in a sexual sense....40 minutes in missionary, 40 minutes in doggie style? Suckas got to know!) Did Guy Ritchie direct the video? Did Brad Pitt play the traditional porno role of 'guy who doesn't have sex but is there for comic relief' as an incomprehensible Pikey? Does this officially make 'Like A Virgin' the most ironic song in music history? Did Madonna have to ask that A-Rod change positions, or did Derek Jeter handle that?

Ok, NOW I'm done.