Thursday, October 04, 2007


Questions taken from the NBC website for the upcoming relaunched version of the classic sports/entertainment show....

1. Who is your current employer and occupation? What job pays your bills now?
Freelance writer! I have no employer! No man controls me! I stand on mountain tops with the wind blowing through my hair/loose skin follicles! As for the bills, losing J.P. Losman may be the best thing that ever happened to them.

2. What levels of education have you completed (please specify school and major)?
The University of Western Ontario, home of the world's worst football team and tuition fees higher than the inhabitants of the marijuana lab in the biology building. Oh wait....the SECRET marijuana lab in the biology building.

3. What is the next milestone in your life if you do not make the show?
Not make the show? That's loser talk! If you don't select me because YOU suck (not me), it's on to Kid Nation. My special ladyfriends tell me I have the maturity of a 10-year-old anyway.

4. Do you work out? If so, what types of activities and how often?
I type a lot. My fingers are thus thrice as strong as those of a normal man. I am heretofore unbeaten in thumb wars. I often walk (to the kitchen to get more Pepsi), lift weights (sometimes the Pepsi can is heavy) and practice martial arts (trying to attack a Pepsi machine that stole my dollar).

5. What sports organizations have you been a member of?
I had an unassisted triple play in eighth grade softball. I won a 'closest to the pin' competition in minor golf lessons. I played power forward for the New Jersey Nets from 1999-2001. I practiced for three weeks of high school junior football.

6. Who are your current roommates? How well do you get along?
My roommate is also my landlord. It makes for awkward conversations when I complain to my roommate about my landlord.

7. What would your friends say are your best qualities?
I bothered my pal Claire on MSN until she provided an answer, and she says I'm "laid back and good at making other people feel comfortable, but also a good motivator and leader, and that's a good combo. And obviously a good, very very witty writer." Unfortunately, Claire is already dating someone, so this praise doesn't help me at all. Damn you, platonic friendships! My buddy Eric, who I'm more pleased to be in a platonic friendship since we're both heterosexual men, went with "all around hilarious guy to hang out with; could base a reality show around his life." See?! Kid Nation! Come on!

8. What would your friends say are your worst qualities?
Apparently I have an 'unrealistic body image' and am an 'arrogant douchebag.' I think my worst quality is that I attract bad friends.

9. What magazines/newspapers do you read?
I read Juxta Magazine, the fictional weekly published by my friend Lori and I. You see, it's a combination men's AND women's magazine! It's such an original idea! I don't read newspapers since I'm allergic to newsprint. I'm told newspapers have material online, but those are lies.

10. How are you competitive in your every day life?
Just today I punched an old Korean woman out of the way at Dairy Queen. I couldn't take the chance that she would order a banana milkshake and take the last banana. As it happened, the Dairy Queen's banana supply was plentiful, plus they had that banana-flavouring stuff to boot. So in theory, my punchin' was unnecessary. I'm rationalizing it by assuming that she was going in for major jaw surgery anyway.

11. What do you think was the hardest stunt on a previous American Gladiators?
The female contestants trying to avoid staring at the spandexed packages of the male Gladiators.

12. What pets do you own now, or have owned at any time in the past?
I once owned a snake named Ferguson, and a hamster named Tippy. Keeping them in the same cage was, in hindsight, a mistake. Oh well, I never fed Tippy anyway, so his death was imminent.

13. Have you had any experiences that have traumatized you? If yes, please explain.
I had a horrible accident competing on the original American Gladiators that took years of physical rehab to fix. I still have nightmares. Hopefully I won't be doing any American Gladiators-related activities on American Gladiators. I don't know if I could take it!

14. What is your unique and personal motivation for wanting to compete on the show?
When I was very young, I used to be picked on a lot. One kid I went to grade school with once told me that I would always remain a fat slob and never amount to anything. So I want to go on American Gladiators in order to prove that kid wrong.

15. How would you use the American Gladiators prize money?
To hire a hitman and kill that kid from grade school. Then get liposuction so I can stop being a fat slob.

16. Who do you live with and for how long?
I've lived with Tony Montana for the last six months. It has had its ups and downs. On the bright side, there are giant piles of sugar around the house, so my coffee is never unsweetened. But Tony can be a bit of a jerk. He told me my womb was so polluted. I mean, that's just uncalled for. I hired a team of assassins to shoot him 98 times, but he just kept taunting.

17. Please list your last three jobs.

a) Blowing up balloons at a county fair.

2) Handing out candy at a country fair.

d) Rim-rolling at Tim Horton's.

So in summation, I'm very experienced at blowjobs, handjobs and rimjobs.

18. Do you have any military experience? Are you (active/reserve) military now?
I'm the member of a top-secret branch of the Canadian government devoted to the overthrow of Trinidad. Among our allies, Tobago. We figure once they go down, the Canadian soccer team will have a better chance of getting through CONCACAF qualifying and make it into the World Cup. Total cost of this program to taxpayers? Still less than the gun registry.

19. What conversations are 'off limits' for you at a dinner party?
How much food I'm putting into my mouth. Whenever I try to tell the conversationalist to screw off, I start choking due to the massive amount of food in my mouth. By the way, I eat like a hog.

20. What is the most daring and dangerous thing you have ever done?
I forgot about the lead singer of Simple Minds. He was PISSED at first, but got over it. Dodged a bullet there. Well, not literally -- the lead singer of Simple Minds is pro-gun control.

21. If you were going to be in People magazine, what inside info about you would be put up next to your picture?
"With little fanfare, Mark helps out at a soup kitchen every Thursday night. He works security and keeps out undesirables, a.k.a. the homeless. He also helps by eating the soup."

22. Describe your most embarrassing moment.
I once shat myself while watching Saw. Hmm, maybe this isn't that embarrassing since I was in my washroom on a toilet at the time. I use copies of the Saw films as toilet paper.

23. What is the weirdest thing about you?
See literally every other answer.

24. If you had Aladdin's lamp and three wishes, what would you wish for? Rule: you can't wish for money or more wishes?
I'd wish I was a little bit taller. I'd wish I was a baller. I'd wish I had a girl who looked good I would call her. I wish I had a rabbit... oh wait, only three wishes? Okay.

25. What is your strategy to win the game?
Cheating. Wait, no, that's not it... it's....cheating a lot.

26. What are you afraid of or dislike? Circle a number 1-5. How much do you fear? 1 = No Fear 3 = Dislike 5 = Can't Stand

Falling -- 5
Closed in Spaces -- 5
The Ocean -- 3, I preferred most of the other songs on Boy
The Dark -- 5
Heights -- 5
Drowning -- 5
Fire -- 3, I preferred most of the other songs on October
Flying -- 1, fuck you, birds!
Lakes -- 14

27. How much skill do you have at...? (Be honest) 1 = Never done it. 3/4/5= Recreational. 7 = World Class.

Base jumping -- 7
Being bratty -- 7
Bungee jumping -- 6.999
Cliff diving -- Pi
Contact sports -- 14
Gymnastics -- VII
Hang gliding -- 7
High diving -- 1. Seems made-up to me.
Manipulating people -- Two zillion
Motorcycle riding -- 7
Risky behaviour -- 6.66
Rock climbing -- 1. I have never climbed and/or mounted Dwayne Johnson.
Roller blading -- Care Bears countdown
Rope climbing -- 4
Scuba diving -- 3
Skiing -- 2
Skydiving -- 1
Snowboarding -- Who's that coming, from somewhere up in the sky? Moving fast and bright as a firefly...
Strategizing -- 95.9 CHRW
Street fighting -- What's the highest number possible? A googleplex? Put me down as four googleplexes.
Surfing -- 10, as in hanging
Tempting opposite sex -- 6.9
Whitewater rafting -- 7
Working out -- 7

List other talents in the space below
I can revive the dead merely by singing "I've Just Seen A Face" by the Beatles. It only works if the person hasn't died from having their face ripped off.

28. Have you ever been treated for any serious physical illness or injury that could affect your ability to participate in the show?
I recently had my elbow removed due to botched cosmetic surgery. Frankly, it hasn't hampered my life at all. Elbows are way overrated, dude.

29. You must list all television shows you have appeared on (reality, game show, scripted, etc.) Even if you did not win anything, you must disclose all television appearances.
60 Minutes, Supermarket Sweep, To Catch A Predator, Growing Pains, The Hogan Family, Animaniacs, this one commercial with the guy from the Goodyear ads but it wasn't a Goodyear ad, Survivor: Etobicoke, Frasier, Emily of New Moon, test patterns

30. How do you feel about opening up yourself and your life as an 'open book' on national television?
Just as long as you don't hurt my 'spine.' HA HA HA HA I LOVE BOOK JOKES

31. Do you know anyone who has or is applying for the show American Gladiators?
My evil twin Clark. I can't stop him from applying since I am he and he is me. We have the same skillset except he has a goatee and thus do worse in the 'who shaves quicker' event.

32. Do you now or have you ever owned or appeared on any web sites?
Well, this blog. Also, I'm a contributor to, mostly in the 'tornado' section.

33. What other reality TV shows have you applied for?
KID NAAAAAAAAAAAAAYSHUN. No offense, but if I ever got the go-ahead from them, I'd ditch Gladiators so fast your head would spin. Like, I'd walk off the set in mid-Eliminator.

34. Are you currently being considered for any other reality shows?
Julie Chen came to my house the other night to discuss my being on Big Brother, but I think she was really just trying to seduce me. She wore nothing but lingerie and clothes over top of them. Hard to misinterpret those signals.

35. When will you NOT be available between now and October 2007 to come to LA for one week?
Uh, it's already October 2007. I may need to find a wormhole.

36. Do you smoke?
Nine packs a day.

37. Can you swim?
Nine packs a day. Wait, I guess that didn't make much sense. I meant to say I swim while smoking.

38. What is your height and weight?
Three metres tall, 40 stone

39. In the lines below, write a short poem or rap

I'll do both. This is "Ode to a Farmer, feat. Chamillionaire"

There once was man named Glen,
Who tried to get eggs from a hen,
He did his best
To reach into the nest
And then grabbed the ho's fine booty, muthafucka

40. Draw a picture of yourself

This is me carrying a chainsaw. Please excuse the lack of genitalia, I was being family-friendly.

41. Below please list the people you would like to appear with you on the show to help support you.

Supporter #1
Name: Kate Winslet
E-mail address:
Home #: 555-WINSLET
Cell #: No idea
Supporter's relationship to you: Object of fantasy
Why do you want this Supporter with you on stage?: Geez, who wouldn't?

Supporter #2
Name: Derek Bell
E-mail address:
Home #: Not sure if he had a landline on the yacht
Cell #: Ditto
Supporter's relationship to you: Trench guy
Why do you want this Supporter with you on stage?: Expert towel-waving and rally cap-wearing skills.

Supporter #3
Name: Osama Bin Laden
E-mail address:
Home #: 555-DIALYSIS
Cell #: He's not in a cell, but rather still at large. Thanks for nothing, George Bush!
Supporter's relationship to you: Nemesis
Why do you want this Supporter with you on stage?: We can invite him to the show and then we can nab him! Hello reward!

42. Have you ever been convicted of a felony or misdemeanor offense, either as a juvenile or as an adult?
I was once arrested in a scenario remarkably similar to that of Ruben "Hurricane" Carter. The difference is that instead of being accused of murder, I was accused of jaywalking while carrying a giant papier-mache sculpture of a man picking his nose. Also unlike Carter, I was not a middleweight.

43. Have you ever had a temporary or permanent restraining order entered against you, or has anyone tried to obtain a temporary or permanent restraining order against you?
Apparently I've had several filed against me, but then I got a restraining order filed against all process servers in the tri-country area, so they couldn't approach me to serve the other restraining orders. Aha!

44. Is there any pending litigation against you?
Metallica is suing me over those Napster songs I downloaded seven years ago.

45. Have you ever been evicted? If yes, please give details, places and names.
Public nudity, SkyDome hotel, 6/31/2004 and 2/30/2008. Yeah, it's going to happen again.

46. Have you ever been the subject of disciplinary proceedings or actions in school, in the military, at work or in any other context?

Mark: What did you want to see me about, Mr. Leland?
Leland: Mark, I've.. been reviewing your work.. Quite frankly, it stinks.
Mark: Well, I ah.. been havin' trouble at home and uh.. I mean, ah, you know, I'll work harder, nights, weekends, whatever it takes..
Leland: No, no, I don't think that's going to do it. These reports you handed in. It's almost as if you have no business training at all. I don't know what this is supposed to be!
Mark: Well, I'm uh, just--tryin' to get ahead..
Leland: Well, I'm sorry. There's just no way that we could keep you on.
Mark: I don't even really work here!
Leland: That's what makes this so difficult.

47. Have you ever done or been involved in anything that would reflect negatively on you or on the Program, the Program producers and/or the television network and stations that broadcast the Program if you are chosen to participate in the Program?
I thought I was applying for American Gladiators, not for a remake of The Program. Oh well, could I have the Omar Epps role?

48. Have you ever created a website or posted any materials on any website?
Pfft, yeah. I was the first guy to ever post anything on any website. It was an argument that Spider-Man could take Aquaman in a fight. It was an enthralling discussion.

49. Have you appeared in any magazines, publicly disseminated photograph, advertisements or the Internet?
I appeared in a publicly disseminated photograph used in an advertisement in an online magazine. It was me starring in a version of the Coppertone ad. My white naked ass is a sight to behold.

50. Do you know anyone else who is applying to be on the Program?
Oh lord, this was already question #31! Should I get Clark to answer this one?

51. Is there anyone among your family, friends, or work colleagues that would object to your appearing on television?
My friend Elvis often shoots his TV if he dislikes what he sees, so it's possible he might react badly to watching me compete poorly. A co-worker of mine used to date Turbo but ended up left at the altar, so that might be an issue.

52. Please list below anyone you know or have known who is now or has been in the past two years an officer, director, employee, agent or representative of NBC Universal Inc. or its parents (GE Company Inc.) or affiliated or subsidiary companies.
Sure, plenty! Conan O'Brien, Max Weinberg, Steve Carell, Jenna Fischer, John Krasinski, Rainn Wilson, Howie Mandel, Jay Leno, Jason Lee, Eddie Steeples, Jaime Pressley, Tina Fey, Alec Baldwin, Lorne Michaels, Tracy Morgan, Kristen Wiig, Will Forte, Bill Hader...oh wait, do you mean people I know PERSONALLY? Oh. In that case, just the first twelve.


54. List all TV game or contest shows that you have appeared on whether or not you won a prize.
Man, this was already a question too! If you must know, I won $50 playing Plinko on Price Is Right. Bob Barker laughed at me, so I jacked his car after the taping. In a way, we both won.

55. Is there anyone among your family, friends or work colleagues that would object to your appearing on television?
Ok, seriously, this was just asked four questions ago. Come on, application! I feel like I'm chewing Doublemint gum. I swear, one more silly question and I won't bother signing up for...

Part IV Eligibility Requirements and Releases

1. You must be at leas 18 years of age

2. You must be a legal US resident of the 50 United States and/or Washington, D.C.

3. You must not be a candidate for public office and must agree not to become one until after one year after the initial broadcast of the episodes of the Program in which you appear.

...ah crap. Well, it's all a moot point anyway. I'm a 15-year-old Canadian who is currently Prime Minister. Darn it. I wanted to battle the Eliminator!

1 comment:

Emmett Macfarlane said...

HI-larious. I can't believe I actually read all that and am still on pace to be finish my PhD on time...