Thursday, January 18, 2018

Ranking Key & Peele's Football Players

In this era of sending a link to someone and titling it “Hilarious!”, few items have delivered more soundly on that promise than the Key & Peele East/West Bowl sketches, a.k.a. the Football Names bits.  Realistically, they *probably* didn’t need to stretch it out to a third one and include cameos from actual NFL players, but whatever, it’s a pretty foolproof concept.

In honour of these comedy classics, here’s my personal ranking of every character played during the sketches by Key and Peele themselves (with two exceptions).  That means no actual NFL players, A.A. Ron Balakay, Firstname Lastname, or the pride of BYU Dan Smith.  My ranking is based on pure amusement at both the goofiness of the name itself, or possibly some elements of Key or Peele’s look or how they delivered the line.  I won’t lie…even by my standards, this is a pretty arbitrary list.

Not included: D’Marcus Williums and TJ Juckson, the first two names and characters from the first sketch.  I made the judge’s decision to omit these two since Key & Peele made the wise move to ease the viewers into the ridiculousness, giving us a couple of more normal names to start with (the odd ‘u’ spellings of the last names notwithstanding) and then getting gradually sillier.  It’s safe to say that by the third name, T’Variusness King, business was starting to pick up, which is why T’Variusness was on the list (albeit not very high).

Without further adieu, and with a note that Further Adieu is a great name for a linebacker, onto the list!

81. Squeeeeeeeeeeps
80. Nyquillus Dillwad
79. The Player Formerly Known As Mousecop
78. Wing Dings
77. Logjammer D'Baggagecling
76. T’Variusness King
75. J’Dinkalage Morgoone
74. Quiznatodd Bidness
73. Cosgrove Shumway
72. Legume Duprix
71. Stumptavian Roboclick
70. Faux Doadles
69. Myriad Profiteroles
68. D’Pez Poopsie
67. Equine Ducklings
66. Decatholac Mango
65. Turdine Cupcake
64. Bisquiteen Trisket
63. Fartrell Cluggins
62. Fudge
61. J.R. Junior Juniors Jr.
60. Ewokoniad Sigourneth Juniorstein
59. King Prince Chambermaid
58. Vagonius Thicket-Suede
57. Benedict Cumberbatch
56. Rerutweeds Myth
55. Grunky Peep
54. God
53. Swirvithan L’Goodling-Splatt
52. Mergatroid Skittle
51. Saggitariutt Jefferspin
50. Jammie Jammie-Jammie
49. Strunk Flugget
48. Ladadadaladadadadada Dala-Dadaladaladalada
47. Morse Code
46. Harvard University
45. Beezer Twelve Washingbeard
44. Elipses Corter
43. Bismo Funyuns
42. Marmadune Shazbot
41. D’Isiah T. Billings-Clyde
40. D’Squarius Green Jr.
39. Blyrone Blashinton
38. Ibrahim Moizoos
37. Triple Parakeet-Shoes
36. Quatro Quatro
35. Shakiraquan T.G.I.F. Carter
34. Swordless Mimetown (editor’s note: my fantasy football team name for the last three years)
33. Leoz Maxwell Jilliumz
32. Donkey Teeth
31. Torque [Construction Noise] Lewith
30. Cartoons Plural
29. Splendiferous Finch
28. Doink Ahanahue
27. L’Carpetron Dookmarriot
26. Takittothu' Limit
25. Goolius Boozler
24. Coznesster Smiff
23. Jackmerius Tacktheritrix
22. Hingle McCringleberry
21. Sequester Grundelplith M.D.
20. X-Wing @Aliciousness
19. Quisperny G'Dunzoid Sr.
18. Eqqsquizitine Buble-Schwinslow
17. Ozamataz Buckshank
16. D’Jasper Probincrux III
15. Tyroil Smoothie-Wallace
14. Creme De La Creme
13. Davoin Shower-Handel
12. Snarf Mintz-Plasse
11. T.J. A.J. R.J. Backslashinfourth V
10. Huka'lakanaka Hakanakaheekalucka'hukahakafaka
9. Dahistorius Lamystorius
8. Ladennifer Jadaniston
7. Quackadilly Blip
6. Eeeee Eeeeeeeee
5. Busters Brownce
4. Scoish Velociraptor Maloish
3. Xmus Jaxon Flaxon-Waxon
2. D’Glester Hardunkichud (he just seems like such a confident, and even trustworthy, fellow.  Hardunkichud 2020, people!)
1. Javarius Jamar Javarison-Lamar

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