Friday, January 27, 2017

Fifty Ways To Leave Your Lover

1. Slip out the back, Jack

2. Make a new plan, Stan

3. Hop on the bus, Gus

4. Drop off the key, Lee

5. Train

6. Pogo stick

7. Jump out a window

8. Dirigible

9. Learn the guitar chords to "Babe I'm Gonna Leave You," perform the song in front of your lover, leave

10. Your death

11. Their death

12. Faking your death

13. Faking their death….wait a second, that makes no sense

14. Throwing a smoke grenade to mask your departure, then running away

15. Addendum to #14, yell “it’s the rapture!” and then throw the smoke grenade and run away (better alibi)

16. Intra-dimensional wormhole

17. Actual wormhole, if you can fit

18. Car

19. Bicycle

20. Motorcycle

21. Dogsled

22. A flying luckdragon, like in The Neverending Story

23. Dragon

24. Golf cart

25. Getting “I think we should see other people” tattooed across your chest

26. Kayak

27. Joining the Peace Corps, a la Tom Hanks in "Volunteers"

28. Going off to shoot "Volunteers," meeting Rita Wilson and subsequently ending your first marriage, a la Tom Hanks.

29. Canoe

30. Swimming

31. Walking

32. A brisk jog

33. Running

34. Luge

35. Hot air balloon

36. Inflating a bunch of balloons to make your house float away, like the old man in “Up.”  (His wife used method #11)

37. Plane

38. Helicopter

39. Tank

40. Garbage truck

41. Announce you’re going out for cigarettes, then hope you reach the door before your partner finishes saying “wait, but you don’t smoke…”

42. Spacecraft

43. Big Wheels

44. An open and honest conversation about the relationship's problems and how it might be better for all parties if you both just called it quits

45. Jetpack

46. Subtly leaving seven “what to do if you have herpes” pamphlets around the apartment

47. Sailboat

48. Submarine

49. Skateboard

50. Using any of the previous 49 choices, returning and saying, "Ha ha, just kidding, sweetie!" and then one of the other 48 remaining choices.

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