Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Daily Simpsons Dialogue

This is going to be the most-edited post I've ever written, since I will no doubt be adding omissions until possibly the day I die.  It's the list of Simpsons lines that I use on a regular basis in everyday life, and by 'regular basis,' I mean that I've said at least 20 of these per day for about the last 15+ years of my life.  This post will be heavily-edited since there's no doubt I'm forgetting tons more --- Simpsons dialogue has become so embedded into my everyday parlance that I've forgotten I'm even making a reference most of the time.  It's one thing to just like a TV show, it's quite another when it seeps into your brain and gains a symbiotic relationship with your sense of humour. 

To wit, I recently posted a question about 'which Simpsons lines do you use everyday?' as my Facebook status, which drew a TON of responses from friends, reminding me of several lines I'd forgotten I say about as regularly as I sing showtunes.  (Which, trust me, is often.)

Before we get into the actual lines, I'll cite one Simpsons-related noise I often make: the disgruntled "Rmrmrmrmrmr" grumble of Sideshow Bob when he keep stepping on those rakes.  I'll also cite a facial expression….when they're trying to steal the lemon tree out of Shelbyville, Bart is being chased by guard dogs and Homer throws steaks at the dogs to distract them.  The dogs, however, just gobble the steaks in mid-jump and continue, leading to this hilarious wide-eyed expression from Homer that's half-surprise and half-oh crap.  I make that expression roughly every ten minutes, even when sleeping.

Ok, onto the list!

ADDENDUM #5: Added in November 2014
ADDENDUM #4: Added in October 2014
ADDENDUM #3: Added in October 2013
ADDENDUM #2: Added in March 2013
ADDENDUM #1: Added in November 2012

"Nothing can possib-lye go wrong.  Uh, possiBLY go wrong.  Huh, that's the first thing that's ever gone wrong."
"This is getting pretty abstract but yes, I do enjoy my new job at the bowling alley!"
"I can't believe I ate the whole thing."
"When are people going to learn?  Democracy doesn't work!"
"Are you making fun of my auto-mobile?  It's the largest ve-hicle I can afford on my salary."
"Bake him away, toys!"
"Burn that seat."
"Will this be on the exam?"
"'Tis not a man, 'tis a remorseless eating machine!"
"Well, it's like I always say, when you're right 52 percent of the time, you're wrong 48 percent of the time."
"Hired goons."
"Whoa!  I have mustard?"
"But they're so sweet!"
"Partial credit!"
"Tappa tappa tappa!"
"It's still good, it's still good!  It's just a little slimy, it's just a little slimy!"
"Well, I couldn't possible solve this mystery.  Can YOU?"
"Pray for Mojo."
"Run, boy!  Run!  Run for your life….boy!"
"Haw haw!"
"Yes, eat all of our shirts!"
"Okay, I'm going to swing my arms like this, and if you get in the way, it's your own fault."
"Sponge?!  SPONGE?!"
"They have the internet on computers now?"
"That ad had no effect on my whatsoever!"
"Aw, the dank Moe, ya gotta have the dank."
"Fiddle dee dee!  That will require a tetanus shot!"
"Everything's coming up Milhouse!"
"When you get to hell, tell 'em Itchy sent you!"
"So, you like doughnuts, huh?  Well, how about all the doughnuts in the world!"
"Is it about my cube?"
"We're through the looking glass, people."
"Stupid babies need the most attention."
"I don't think he's coming back."
"I don't think any of us expected him to say that."
"What in the name of high school football?!"
"Don't blame me, I voted for Kodos."
"I thought the Generals were due!  C'mon, get the ball!  He's just standing there!….Aw, I think that game was rigged.  They used a freaking ladder."
"Funzo IS dead."
"It's a perfectly cromulent word."
"There's a party in my mouth and everyone's invited!"
"In this house we observe the laws of thermodynamics!"
"Oh, IN THEORY.  In theory, communism works!"
"I've had just about enough of your Vasser-bashing, young lady!"
"Ooh, he card read good."
"We've tried nothing and we're totally out of ideas!"
"I see you've played knifey-spooney before!"
"Marge, I think I hate Ted Koppel!"
"Chow-der?  It's chow-dah!"
"Mono means one.  Rail means rail.  That concludes our extensive three-week course."
"What in the wide wide world of sports?!"
"Silly customer!  You cannot harm a twinkie!"
"According to Webster's Dictionary, a wedding is the removal of weeds from one's garden."
"Aw, I'm a livin' joke."
"We like Roy!  We like Roy!"
"I deride your truth-handling abilities, sir!"
"Slow down, tubby!  You're not on the moon yet!"
"Yeah, they really sucked.  They were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked."
"Gotta go, my damn wiener kids are listening."
"I'm a white male, aged 18-49!  Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my ideas may be!"
"Ow, my freakin' ears!"
"I dunno Bart.  My dad's a pretty big wheel down at the cracker factory."
"It's just between you and me, giant hat."
"Maybe it's the beer talking Marge, you've got a butt that just won't quit.  They got these big chewy pretzels here mgjoigshgoij five dollars?  Get outta here."
"Burn that seat."
"Oh no, Willy didn't make it!  And he crushed our boy!"  "Ew, what a mess."
"New glasses?…Probably misses his old glasses."
"Well, it passed the first test.  I didn't go blind."
"Tastes like burning!"
"Shake harder, boy!"
"When are they going to get to the fireworks factory?"
"This lesbian bar doesn't have a fire exit!  Enjoy drinking to your death, ladies!"
"I was born a snake-handler and I'll die a snake-handler."
"No, I'd still rather not."
"Don't encourage the machine!"
"Ned, you so crazy!"
"You have the right to remain silent."  "I choose to waive that right.  BLARRRGH!"
"Hmm, steamed hams!"
"Y'ar, I don't know what I'm doing."
"I have misplaced my pants."
"Not Lenny!"
"Can you believe those clowns in Congress?  What a bunch of clowns."
"It's like a freakin' country bear jambaroo over here!"
"I like how Snrub thinks!"
"Vera said that?"
"I, for one, welcome our insect overlords."
"Man alive!  There are…men alive in here!"
"Wuzzle wozzle?"
"That's just something grownups make up to scare little kids, like the Boogeyman or Michael Jackson."
"Shut uuuuuup."
"What's to be done with this Homer Simpson?"
"Hey, that's not the wallet inspector…."
"Hey, he looks just like you, Poindexter!"
"Ahoy hoy?"
"Here I am, using my legs like a sucker."
"Stan, Stan, he's our boy, if he can't do it no one…..will."
"Law-talking guy!"
"I am so smart!  I am so smart!  S-M-R-T, I mean S-M-A-R-T!"
"I'm just amazed he was able to write so legibly on his own butt."
"Don't you hate pants?"
"So….you like…stuff?"
"I'll see you in hell!…..from heaven."
"Ach!  Ya used me, Skinner!  Ya used me!"
"Wa-ter."  "Be-eer."  "W-A…" "Bay, Eay…."
"I'm a small man, Bart.  A small and petty man."
"He's had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog…Well, replace the word 'kinda' with the word 'repeatedly,' and the word 'dog' with 'son.' "
"Hot stuff, coming through!"
"What's a gime (gym)?  Ohhhh, a gime!"
"Homer Simpsons has powersauced his way to the top of the Murderhorn!"
"Excuse me, you just trailed off there."
"I'll get you Bette Midlerrrrrrrr!"
"What the hell was that?!" -- Krusty after Worker and Parasite
"Homer, I'll be right back…..someone ate my lunch."
"You don't win friends with salad."
"It's Alf!  He's back, in Pog form!"
"That's a specious argument."  "Thank you, honey."
"I know you can read my thoughts, boy.  Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow."
"You've been gallivanting around with that floozy of a bigger brother of yours, haven't you.  Haven't you?!  Look…at…me…!"
"Ah, McGarnigle.  Eases the pain."
"Well, McGarnigle.  Jimmy's dead!  Slit his throat from ear to ear!"  "Hey, I'm trying to eat here!"
"Tramp-amp-oline!  Tram-bompoline!"
"Oooh, look at me Marge, I'm making people happy! I'm the magical man, from Happy Land, who lives in a gumdrop house on Lollypop Lane!"
"Stupid sexy Flanders."
"I don't get it.  It was non-alcoholic champagne!"
"Here comes the Shaq Attack!"
"NEEERRRRRRDDDD!  Hey buddy, did you get a load of that nerd?!"  "Excuse me?"
"Homer, you have the makeup gun set to whore!"
"Please do not offer my god a peanut."
"Where's your messiah now, Flanders?  Nyah!"
"I warsh mahself with a rag awn a sti-yck."
"He gets results, you stupid chief!"
"Tra la la la, I love my lemon tree!"
"Zinc, come back, zinc!"
"Woo hoo, look at that flubber fly!"
"Mmmm, sacri-licious."
"When I get older, I want to go to Bovine University!"
"Hello Dean?  You are a stupid head!"
"It was the best of times, it was the BLURST of times?  You stupid monkey!"
"To the Beemobile!"  "You mean your Chevy?"  "……yes."
"I can't, it's a Geo!"
"I hate you Walt, freaking, Whitman!  Leaves of Grass, my ass!"
"Remember, we're in the Itchy lot!"
"No hustle either, skip!"
"Not once, not twice, but thrice!"
"I'm using my whole ass!"
"Nobody who speaks German could be an evil man."
"Celebrate good times, come on!"  "I will."
"Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals…except the weasel."
"I can see through time!"
"Stop, stop!  He's already dead!"
"I'm cold and there are wolves after me."
"Ha ha ha, he's right!  We're so lame!"
"You tried your best, and you failed miserably!  The lesson is, never try."
"Oh yeah!" -- Duffman
"Hi, everybody!"
"Woo hoo!"
"It's called playing the percentages.  It's what smart managers do to win ballgames."
"No TV and no beer make Homer something something….Don't mind if I DO!"
"This is certainly a disturbing reality, isn't it?"
"Are you the creator of Hi & Lois?  Because you are making me laugh."
"Look out, Itchy!  He's Irish!"
"Lisa, I want to buy your rock."
"That's it, you people have stood in my way long enough!  I'm going to clown college!"
"This one kid REALLY loves the speedo guy."
"Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?"

And, a few longer exchanges…

"Aurora borealis!  In this time of the year, in this part of the country, localized entirely within your kitchen?!"
"….can I see it?" 

"Hello, my name is Mr. Burns.  I understand you have a package for me." 
"Okay Mr. Burns, what's your first name?" 

"I have go out to pick up something for dinner."
"Money's too tight for steak."
"Uh, sure, steak."

"The doctor said I may have brain damage." 
"Dad, what's the point of this story?" 
"I like stories."

"Can I have one of those Australian giant beers?"
"Something wrong, mate?"
"No…it's pretty big.  I guess."

"I heard there was a murder in New York and they never found who did it." 
"But there are hundreds of unsolved murders in New York." 
"You just don't know when to shut your mouth, do you, Saxy boy?"

"Aw, twenty dollars?  I wanted a peanut!" 
"Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts!" 
"Explain how!" 
"Money can be exchanged for goods and services."

"There's the cannonball guy.  He's cool." 
"Were you being sarcastic?" 
"I don't even know anymore."

"Let the bears pay the bear tax.  I pay the Homer tax!" 
"That's the homeowner tax."
"Well, I'm still outraged."

"So you're saying I'm invincible?" 
"Oh god no, even a stiff breeze could…"

"No, pally.  This is Bronson, Missouri." 
"Hey ma, how about some cookies?"
"No dice."
"This ain't over."

"Leave town."
"Do it!"
"Come onnn!"
"I'll be your friend!"
"Aw, you're mean!"

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