Random Nonsense

This is the definition of bittersweet if you're an English major. Hollywood is making a movie, titled "Anonymous," about the Shakespeare authorship question, one of the most fascinating mysteries in all of literature. Frankly, it's long overdue.

Problem #1: The film centers solely on the theory that Edward de Vere (the Earl of Oxford) is the true author. Okay, well, that kind of gives short shrift to the other candidates (Christopher Marlowe, William Stanley, Sir Francis Bacon and my personal favourite, Henry Neville), but hey, okay, for the sake of a 100-minute film, I can understand the need to streamline things.

Problem #2: This is the trailer. Uh, it looks pretty swordfighty for a movie about playwriting, but still, ok, a movie's got to sell tickets and whatnot. Fair enough.

Problem #3: It's directed by Roland Emmerich. OH FUCK. As in, the guy who directed The Patriot, 2012, Independence Day, Godzilla, The Day After Tomorrow and a bunch of other shitty action movies. This is a bad, bad, bad sign.

Problem #4: The tagline is "We've all been played." Oh jesus christ.

In short, you can probably skip "Anonymous" unless you like stupidity. I pity the poor English teachers of the world, who will no doubt be faced with hundreds of essays from students citing this film as a definitive source. "My thesis is how Iago and Othello's relationship is a metaphor for jousting, which Edward de Vere was a champion at (as cited on Wikipedia), since we all know de Vere was really Shakespeare!"

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I would never, ever, ever, EVER use the automatic parallel park feature on a Ford Focus unless it was a completely empty lot. And, if the lot was empty, I'd just park myself and not waste my time setting the thing up. You are a brave soul if you see a narrow space between two cars and think, "Hey, let's let the machine handle it!" Presumably you can override it by jerking the wheel if you realize your back bumper is about to slam into the side of the car behind you.

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If you're a fan of Community (and who isn't?...uh, ignore Nielsen ratings), then you'll love this behind-the-scenes story of the creation of Magnitude, the life of every party at Greendale Community College. As funny as Magnitude is now, I must admit, the 'Event Horizon' name is even funnier.

Speaking of Community, I'll discuss the newest paintball episode once my pulse returns to normal. Not to sound shallow, but can Alison Brie wear that outfit in every episode? (It's a good thing I prefaced with that with 'not to sound shallow,' since otherwise that would've sounded really shallow.)

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I rarely get to use the blog's "brushes with greatness" tag since I may be the only person who's lived in Toronto for a significant amount of time yet has never run into a celebrity. Almost everyone has some random story of, say, standing behind Victor Garber at the supermarket or seeing the guy from Mumford & Sons buying a lobster at Kensington Market or seeing Drake at the Eaton Centre practicing rhythmic gymnastics. Something like that.

But hark, last month, a random celebrity run-in for the Markster. Some friends of mine run a small theatre company and were putting on a trio of one-act plays at a theatre near Kensington Market, so I dropped by to see the shows. One of the company heads, my pal Shawn, pulls me aside and tells me about a celeb who came to see the plays the previous evening -- none other than Rich Sommer, a.k.a. Harry Crane on 'Mad Men.' Well, hey, this was pretty cool, and I was mentally kicking myself for not coming the previous evening. Apparently Sommer is in town shooting a film and had some downtime, so he decided to check out some local theatre. He randomly saw a listing for this show and the rest was history. Take that, people who think it doesn't pay to advertise in NOW Magazine!

Shawn said Sommer hung out with the cast afterwards, bought everyone a round of drinks and just acted like the coolest cat on the planet. It was a pretty good story...and as he's telling it, who should walk into the theatre but Rich Sommer himself, back to see the third of the three plays the very next evening.

Now, this isn't all just some second-hand celebrity meeting. I spoke to the man myself, for upwards of three seconds. I believe my exact words were, "Hey, Rich Sommer, big fan of your show!" Theoretically I could've asked him what the deal was with AMC not scheduling the next season until January and trying to play hardball with Matthew Weiner on contract negotiations, but it was cold outside and there were wolves after me.

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Hurt in a car? Call William Mattar! Holy shit dude, are you really basing the focus of your legal career over a rhyme? If your last name was Zweibel, would you only focus on libel lawsuits? Or on slander if you were named William Alexander? It's a good thing not all attorneys act this way. Clarence Darrow would've had to turn his Scopes Monkey Trial defense over to his much less-talented colleague, Kev Bolution.

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I'm walking down the street when two clearly stoned youths approach me and ask for a light. I inform them I don't smoke. As they're walking away, one kid is complaining but the other is more chill about the situation, telling his friend...

"That's good, old people shouldn't smoke."

Ouch. Ouch, random high teenager. I don't turn 30 until October. I'm still a young, rambunctious twentysomething. What you doing out so late on a school night anyways?