Thursday, April 09, 2009

I Want To Be An Advice Columnist

I'm surprised I didn't think of this sooner. I'm both a know-it-all AND I like to show it, so an advice column seems like a natural avenue. I even have a fantacular name for it --- Question Mark. (Since people will be asking me questions, and my name is Mark, ya see. You might wonder why I'm explaining such an obvious pun, but as an advice columnist, I need to get in the habit of talking down to my readers.)

Send me your questions, big and small, either to this e-mail address or via Facebook private message. Your name will not be included on your question unless you wish it to be, or I'll just make up some hilarious fake name like Wilbur Hornsnootin. And as a further step to ensure your privacy, your question won't even be answered unless it's a fairly anonymous situation. So for example, if I get a question like "Dear Mark, my wife Angelina Jolie keeps wanting to adopt more kids, what should I do?", then I might not be able to help you without causing a stir.

Now, you might be asking yourself what kind of questions will I answer. Well, let me answer that very first question in Question Mark history by saying that I'll answer anything. Relationship issues, auto repair, sports trivia, 15th-century Popes, the meaning of life, why Cito Gaston didn't pinch-hit Bautista or Millar for Overbay last night, deciphering basic Cyrillic text, casserole recipes, child-rearing....I'm literally a fountain of information. And all of it will be perfectly sound advice guaranteed to be of help!*

So send your questions today, lest ye be left behind in the birth of this soon-to-be legendary internet venture. If you don't get in on the ground floor, your query will be buried underneath the sure-to-come avalanche of e-mails and I don't be able to get to answering your question for months to come. This could be particularly damaging if your question is, "Should I cut the red wire or the blue wire?"

* = guarantee not guaranteed


Jack Bauer was unsurprisingly won the "who's the biggest bad-ass on TV" poll, with Corner Gas' Emma Leroy capturing the silver and LOST's Sayid Jarrah winning the bronze.

Next up, it's yet another sports-related poll on this sports-heavy week on the blog...who's your least-favourite team in all of professional sports? I included what are probably the most common options, but obviously the 'other' tab might get a bit of a workout. For example, you could really, really hate, say, the St. Louis Rams for some reason. Maybe Marshall Faulk tried to assassinate your uncle. Maybe Orlando Pace slept with your sister and never called her. Maybe Marc Bulger killed your fantasy team...oh wait, I actually do hate them for that reason.

Anyway, make your pick. Poll is up until the end of the week.

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