Monday, February 09, 2009


I used to joke with my friend Maggie that Chris Brown was in desperate need of a stage name, since in going by 'Chris Brown,' he had the lamest, most hard-to-remember name in music. Guess that's less of a problem now.

The public scorn that Brown will face/is facing is one thing. As are the criminal charges. But the worst part for Brown will almost certainly be the beatdown that Jay-Z orders on Brown's soon-to-be-black-and-blue carcass. That is, unless Brown has taken his Michael Jackson emulation to a new level and can dance-fight like Jacko did in the Moonwalker game.*

Thug: You're doing down, Brown!
Brown: *throws hat*
Thug: Augh! Fuck! Retreat! He's throwing hats!

It's possible that Brown is innocent, but since I've never heard his music and probably wouldn't recognize him if he walked into my house, I'll just presume he's guilty and then gleefully throw stones. Isn't it sad (and yet, so characteristic of human nature) that since the guy doesn't make music I enjoy that I have no interest in considering his side of the story? If it had been Jack White accused of such a crime, I would 100 percent be taking the "well, let's wait until we get more details" approach before throwing him under the bus. Is it weird that I automatically put White's name down without even thinking about the Brown-White colour name connection? Who else could I have mentioned? Francis Black? Macy Gray? The Blues Brothers? Pink? Axl Rose? Al Green? The list goes on and on. Speaking of Al Green, I had to laugh that the Grammy producers were wringing their hands over Brown and Rihanna dropping out of their scheduled performances, and ended up bringing in Green at the last minute. Um, it's AL GREEN. He's 100 times better than Brown and Rihanna combined. That would be like going to a screening of 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop" and finding out that due to a faulty reel, the theatre was instead going to show 'Die Hard.'

So the Grammys, in short, were U2 = very good, M.I.A. = very good, Radiohead = great. Speaking of Radiohead, to borrow from Annie Levine, "Someone decided the funniest thing they could do was force Gwyneth to awkwardly introduce her husband’s biggest rivals and compliment them in a way that belittles her husband. I was shocked they didn’t make her throw in something about how Thom Yorke of Radiohead was 'the greatest lay in the U.K.', but there’s always next year."

* = Usually, having an arcade game in one's home is a cool retro design touch, but Moonwalker might be the one game that doesn't fit into this Gen-X home decorating tenet. As with all things Michael Jackson, the reaction has to be, "Oh wow, Moonwalker, that's awesome!....Oh wait, remember when MJ probably raped those kids?.....Damn. Maybe you should've gotten Ms. Pacman instead."

1 comment:

Chris in NF said...

Oh, you don't wanna know the shit Ms. Pacman was into.