THOUGHTS ON BEAUTIFUL WOMEN




* Katherine Heigl has withdrawn her name from Emmy consideration. This was her statement...

"I did not feel that I was given the material this season to warrant an Emmy nomination and in an effort to maintain the integrity of the Academy organization, I withdrew my name from contention. In addition, I did not want to potentially take away an opportunity from an actress who was given such materials.”

Well, bully for her. Normally I'd make some snappy one-liner here like, "In a related story, David Eckstein has withdrawn his name from MVP consideration," but then again, Heigl actually won the supporting actress Emmy last year. And Eckstein once won a World Series MVP, so perhaps everyone is taking crazy pills. Since Heigl seemingly can't do anything without coming across like a self-important bitch, let's break this down. First of all, she throws the Gray's Anatomy writers under the bus by outright saying that it's not that she's a bad actress or anything, it's those horrible writers. Then, she presumes that she would've been nominated anyway (y'know, because she's so awesome), so she had to save the Academy from itself. Then to top it off, she claims to be doing it all for those poor actresses who would've been snubbed in her place. Y'know, like those four actresses she undeservingly beat last year. Actually, had Heigl done this last year, Elizabeth Mitchell probably gets the nomination. Dammit Katherine!

It's one thing when someone like John Larroquette or Candice Bergen removes their name from consideration, since they were legitimately talented actors who felt their multiple wins were getting embarrassing and causing other talented people to be snubbed. I think Helen Hunt might've removed her name from consideration too, but for the sake of my argument, I'm slotting her closer to the Heigl level of talent than the Larroquette-Bergen level. Plus, if Hollywood rumour is to be believed, Hunt was also closer in personality to Heigl as well. Apparently her behind-her-back nickname was Helen...er, something that rhymes with 'Hunt.'

Anyway, who cares about Katherine Heigl. Perhaps the thing I'm most interested in about this year's Emmys is that for the first time, the SNL cast is eligible for the comedy acting awards. I'm curious to see if any of them make the cut. Kristen Wiig, I've got to think, is suddenly a major contender for the comedy supporting actress award. Also, how much does it suck that SNL actors are only suddenly now eligible after 33 years of being on the air? Will Ferrell, Eddie Murphy, Phil Hartman, Jan Hooks, etc. should be given makeup Emmys just out of fairness. Well, in Hartman's case, I guess they can just bolt one to his tombstone. Poor Phil.


* Ana Ivanovic. To paraphrase Governor Robert Ritchie, Ana Ivanovic...boy, I don't know. I probably should find her attractive like 95 percent of the straight males in the world, but she just doesn't do anything for me. Am I weird? BTW, I included that West Wing reference just so my pal Kyle (who, if I'm not mistaken, has Ivanovic on his List Of Five with his fiancee) can post the obvious rebuttal in the comments section, followed by a detailing of Ivanovic's virtues. C'mon Kyle, you can do it.


* I had a dream the other night about Teri Hatcher. Now, for the purposes of this post's theme, pretend it's 1998 and Teri Hatcher is still a beautiful woman. This also wasn't one of *those* kinds of dreams. In this particular dream, the Minnesota Twins introduced Teri Hatcher as their new spokesperson, which essentially meant she was like a real-life mascot --- interacting with the fans in the stand, posing for pictures, wearing a Twins hat or shirt out to all public events. It was pretty goddamn bizarre. The most unusual part of this dream was that the small-market Twins would surely never shell out the bucks to essentially purchase a well-known actress to be their mascot. Hell, if they wouldn't pay to re-sign Johan Santana, then Teri Hatcher sure won't be getting that cash. Her WHIP was way higher than Santana's last season.

Do the Twins even have a mascot? If not, I propose they create a pair of dual mascots that are actual twins, except one is good and fan-friendly, and the other is evil. Call them, say, Jack and Hack. Jack is a good, traditional mascot who supports the Twins, signs autographs, etc. Hack supposes whichever team is playing the Twins, harasses people in the stands, tries to assault Jack, and has various wacky plots to sabotage the Twins that are foiled either by Jack or by Hack's own incompetence. Jack and Hack look exactly the same except Jack is wearing a Twins shirt and is clean-shaven, while Hack rotates between the opposing team's jerseys and has one of those Star Trek evil duplicate goatees.

This is why I should apply for a job in a major league team's marketing department. I'm the next Bill Veeck. NB, at one point Bill Murray was going to star in a movie about Bill Veeck's life, which by all rights should've been one of the best baseball movies ever. I guess it fell into development hell.


* Mila Kunis, holy shit, son. Even if Forgetting Sarah Marshall had sucked, it still would've been a notable movie just for the fact that she and Kristen Bell were in the same place at the same time. I've long been a big Bell fan, but man, Kunis really stepped up her game since That 70's Show. I love that Jason Segal wrote a movie, starring himself, as a guy who gets love scenes with Mila Kunis and Kristen Bell. This is why I want to be a screenwriter. Anyway, the movie was great, probably overall the best movie I've seen so far this year. It was the rare comedy that was actually funny throughout, which is occasionally a failing of the Apatow-gang movies. The key here was that the supporting cameos (Paul Rudd as the zoned-out surfer, Jonah Hill as the male groupie) were kept fairly short and didn't overwhelm the movie in the way that the two cops really lowered Superbad's batting average. The one supporting role that did get a lot of time, Russell Brand's airhead rock star, was hilarious from start to finish. Anyway, I'd rank Sarah Marshall right up there with 40-Year-Old Virgin as the best of the Apatow-verse films. Virgin might still have the slight edge since it didn't include random shots of Jason Segal's cock. What's up with this new trend of full frontal male nudity played for laughs? First it was Walk Hard, and now this. If I wanted to see a laughter-inspiring penis, I'd just look down when I'm practicing my stand-up routine in the shower. (I'll bet you thought I was going to be all self-deprecating and end that sentence after 'look down.' Nope. There are some things a man doesn't joke about lest it be taken out of context. I learned that lesson the hard way after that time I made fun of Teri Hatcher's looks and she ended up coming to my house and kicking my ass. Wait a second.... *doorbell rings*)


* Craig Ferguson is hilarious. I realize that Ferguson doesn't exactly fit the definition of being a beautiful woman, but I'm probably not going to have enough material for a post titled 'Thoughts On Scottish Comedians.' As a loyal Conan viewer, I'd never actually seen Ferguson's show before the other night, when I flicked over from a fairly dry interview between Conan and Kate Hudson to find Ferguson reading his e-mail and basically ranting like a madman about anything that popped into his head. It was fantastic. Has Ferguson always been this good, or is he a late bloomer like, well, Conan himself? The best part of this is that now I have something to watch at 12:35 after Conan takes over the Tonight Show. Oh, sleep, how I have forsaken thee.


* Tonight's iTunes shuffled playlist....

Falling Slowly, Glen Hansard & Marketa Irglova
Do You Wanna Dance, The Beach Boys
Even Better Than The Real Thing, U2
Under My Thumb, Rolling Stones
Walk Like A Man, Bruce Springsteen
Tommy Gun, The Clash
Na Na Na Na Naa, Kaiser Chiefs
If God Will Send His Angels, U2
[Untitled], Smashing Pumpkins
Swamp, Talking Heads
I've Had Enough, The Who
Hounds of Love, Kate Bush
Your Time Has Come, Audioslave
Running Up That Hill, Kate Bush
Long Time Comin', Bruce Springsteen