If I Was....

....in a major rock band that could play multiple dates in a big city, I'd schedule several shows, but at different venues around town. For example, in Toronto, schedule six shows, but play one each at Lee's Palace, the Molson Amphitheatre, the ACC, the Rogers Centre, BMO Field, and, say, the Guvernment.

.....a producer of Knocked Up, I would be kicking myself over my marketing choice. The current poster for the film is a big doofy picture of Seth Rogen with the phrase 'What if this guy got your pregnant?' on top and KNOCKED UP in big letters at the bottom. A far funnier idea would've been a big picture of a shocked Katherine Heigl, with only the KNOCKED UP remaining. It would be like the poster for 40-Year-Old Virgin, which was just that movie's title superimposed under that wonderfully earnest picture of Steve Carell. It's the kind of poster that the star would think "Heh heh, it's funny, I'm in a comedy," but the egotistical side of them is thinking, "God, if this movie isn't a hit, I'm having every copy of that poster burned." Also, I have this wonderful image in my head of Katherine Heigl's father, who I imagine as looking somewhat like George C. Scott, driving down the QEW into Toronto and past the big Queensway theatre with the giant posters hanging off the side. Mr. Heigl, who hasn't spoken to his daughter in a while and is unaware of her latest film, glances to his left, and sees this giant green image of his little Katherine with the words KNOCKED UP underneath. His left eye twiches involuntarily.

...in Toronto F.C.'s scheduling department, I'd move the Toronto/Los Angeles game to the Rogers Centre. Literally everyone I know who I tell I'm working for the MLS website has asked about Beckham and/or about tickets to the game. One of my neighbours in London is a huge Man U fan, and I think he would actually disown one of his sons if it meant getting a ticket to the game. TFC could sell that building out in a heartbeat. I know they're pushing BMO Field as their home, as well they should, but perhaps they could venture to the Rogers Centre as a once-a-year excursion like how the Alouettes occasionally play at the Big O. From what I've seen thus far, there is clearly enough enthusiasm for it to work. The TFC fans are friggin' nuts.

....married, I'd switch my Facebook status to 'single' just to see what would happen. An old pal of mine from high school recently did this as a practical joke, and the reaction was pretty funny. I love how Facebook has become so pervasive that people rely on it to learn even important information like this. Even one of his in-laws posted on his wall in shock.

....planning on doing this prank, I'd run it by my wife first. In my buddy's case, he didn't. In the words of the Joker, uh oh, he's in the doghouse now.

......Rafael Nadal, I'd introduce himself everywhere I went as "Hi, I'm Rafael Nadal, the greatest tennis player in the world," and then add 'on clay' quickly and in a quiet voice afterwards. It must be weird to be Nadal. He is the absolute best in the world at one certain thing within his sport, yet is unquestionably behind another in terms of overall precision. On a clay court, Nadal is virtually unbeatable. On grass, Roger Federer is virtually unbeatable. When they face off on grass, Federer almost always wins. When they meet on clay, Nadal almost always wins. It's as simple as that. Nadal is the insurmountable obstacle that stands between Federer and a French Open title, which is the one thing that Federer needs to genuinely be considered the best tennis player of all time. Yet Federer is the Mt. Everest in front of Nadal's quest to be #1 in the tennis world. Nadal is an outstanding player on grass, no question --- he's better on grass than Federer is on clay. But Federer is basically Jesus Christ with a racket on a grass court. Such a standoff is unusual to see in pro sports. It's like if Tiger Woods dominated golf, but there was one player who simply bested Tiger every time on, say, British links style courses. Of course, this comparison ignores the obvious point that Woods just might be the best in the world at links golf. If there's one record among the many that Tiger will break that I totally guarantee will happen, it's Harold Hilton's record of six British Open wins. Sorry, Harold.

...in charge of that building on the corner of Dundas and Yonge, I'd get a move on. You know that construction walkway you have to go through on the way to Sam the Record Man and the giant HMV store? I remember walking under that damn thing on a trip to Toronto in eleventh grade. That was nine years ago! (Editor's note: God, that was nine years ago, I'm so old). What the hell are they building there? Montreal's Olympic Stadium?