Things I Don't Get

* Laid

* How a bio of Jeffrey Jones could devote literally 10 seconds of a seven-minute segment to his arrest for child pornography in 2003 and subsequent registry as a sex offender. TVTropolis has a show called 'Whatever Happened To,' where recap the lives of a few TV stars from the 80's or 90's. A recent episode included Jones, who's one of those classic "Oh, that guy" actors but is best known as the principal in Ferris Bueller. The segment discussed his role in Bueller, how he appeared in several Tim Burton films, etc. and I was wondering 'Gee, this seems awfully fluffy for a guy busted for kiddie porn.' Turns out, it was. Here was the entirety of the mention: the voiceover said something like, "Things took a bad turn for Jeffrey in 2002 when he was arrested for possession of child pornography." It cuts to a talking head (one of those poor man's Michael Ian Black types who always appear on these types of shows) who says, and I quote, "He ran into a bit of trouble, but he's back working now. He was just on Deadwood, you know, that show where they say the F-word 60 times a minute." This was delivered in an oddly condescending tone, too, where to hear this guy talk, you'd think appearing on a foul-mouthed HBO show as worse than taking pictures of underage children.

This was outright bizarre. Why even feature Jones if you're going to gloss over the more newsworthy thing that happened in his otherwise unmemorable career as a public figure? This very same episode also had a segment on the guy who played Mr. Belding on Saved By The Bell, with the gist of it being he has barely worked in years due to being stereotyped in that role. I think a struggling acting career is a lesser sin than being a REGISTERED SEX OFFENDER.

In a future episode, "Whatever Happened To" looks at O.J. Simpson's life from his days as a football star to a film actor to ___________ to avid golfer.

* Why Jessica Biel is suddenly jailbait for older actors. In Illusionist, she was the romantic interest of Edward Norton, who is 13 years her senior. In Next, she's with Nick Cage, who is 18 years older. She's also the love interest for Adam Sandler in his new movie, and Sandler is 16 years older. Hell, even in Stealth, she was paired with Josh Lucas, who is 11 years older. It's not like Biel looks (or acts, but then again, she can't really act in general) older than she actually is, either. She's 24 and she looks 24. If I'm Biel, I'm shooting some upraised eyebrows towards my agent. Elizabethtown, Cellular and Summer Catch may have been shitty movies, but at least in those she was paired with guys within the American Pie II Rule Of Seven.

Also, Adam Sandler is older than Edward Norton? And only two years younger than Nicolas Cage? Jesus. That SNL cast really aged strangely. Sandler and Kevin Nealon look exactly the same. Mike Myers, Nora Dunn and Chris Rock look older, but still generally the same. Jan Hooks, David Spade, Dana Carvey and Victoria Jackson look a good decade older than they actually are. Phil Hartman and Chris Farley look like skeletons.

* How Joe Carter can hit a home run that wins the World Series with his team down in the bottom of the ninth....and some idiots at Fox rank it only the seventh most memorable baseball play ever. I know, arguing about the Best Damn Sports Show is an exercise in futility, but come on! Here's what ranked ahead of Carter's homer...

6. Hank Aaron's 715th career home run. A great historical moment, sure, but more of a career-long achievement than a singular play. Though it's funny that if they do another of these lists next year after Bonds breaks the record, this will probably still be ranked pretty highly while Bonds may not even make the list. Also further diluted by the fact that A-Rod may well break both records by 2016. And Adam Lind will then break that record by 2025.

5. Willie Mays' catch in the 54 Series. A helluva catch, sure. Some say that catch, even though it was in game one, saved the Series for the Giants. Gee, who else saved a World Series? Oh that's right, JOE CARTER, WHO HIT A GODDAMN WALKOFF HOME RUN. Also, not to diss Mayes, but do I see better catches on a near-nightly basis on Sportscentre? Yep.

4. Carlton Fisk's "go fair" homer in Game 6 of the 1975 Series. A great visual moment, with Fisk waving his arms. But Homer In Game 6 To Win Series > Homer in Game 6 To Extend Series That Was Then Lost

3. Bill Buckner's Error. Geez, the Sox finally won a Series. Let the poor man rest.

2. Kirk Gibson's homer off Eckersley in the 88 Series. This was pretty awesome given the context of the badly injured Gibson coming off the bench to pinch-hit, and it was his only at-bat of the Series. But still, Series-winner vs. Game One winner? You've got to look at context, folks.

1. Bobby Thompson's homer to clinch the 1951 pennant for the Giants. Would've been a good 40 slots lower if it weren't for the legendary radio call.

I can't help but feel there was some definite anti-Canada/small-market bias at play here. The only other Series-winning homer (Bill Mazeroski in 1960 against....the Yankees) was one slot behind Carter at #8. If Joe Carter had been a Yankee, this would've been a clear-cut #1. I base this on the fact that those three Yankee homers in Games 4 and 5 of the 2001 Series took up three separate slots on this list. Give me a break.

Some historical great plays that didn't make the list at all: Bill Wambsganss' unassisted triple play in the 1920 World Series......My unassisted triple play in eighth-grade softball.....Nolan Ryan headlock-punching Robin Ventura after Ventura charged the mound.....Randy Johnson accidentally killing a bird with a pitch.....Merkle's Boner (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fred_Merkle).....Ty Cobb, worst human being ever, jumping into the stands to attack a handicapped man.....Rance Mulliniks scoring the slowest inside-the-park homer in baseball history......Ken Keltner's two diving stops that ended Joe DiMaggio's hitting streak....Johnny Vander Meer's back-to-back no-hitters.....This minor league manager goes nuts