Chinese Dr. Pepper-ocracy

Check out Chuck Klosterman's review of Chinese Democracy. I can't believe Chinese Democracy actually came out. I honestly thought Axl Rose would die either at the hands of one of his many celebrity enemies (My dark horse pick? A tag team of David Keith and Keith David, working together like Dexter and Miguel Prado), or in some sort of cornrow-induced brain aneurysm. Axl's dying words would have been some combination of the words "backing," "track," "re-dub," and "fucker."

Will I buy the album? Not likely. I'm not a big G'n'R fan aside from the half-dozen songs of theirs that everyone likes. In my opinion, Axl Rose's doesn't have anywhere near the amount of talent to account for the near-impossible level of asshole-osity that he's displayed over the last 20 years. What I'm more upset about is that the good folks are Dr. Pepper are being dicks about their promise to give everyone in America a free Dr. Pepper if Chinese Democracy was released in 2008. Well, with the album ready to go, Dr. Pepper is "living up to their promise" by allowing you to print out a coupon from their website today (Nov. 23) only, and you can then present this coupon anytime before mid-February to get your free can. Pretty weak, Dr. P. First it was getting Kelsey Grammer and Bebe Neuwirth to whore themselves out as Frasier and Lillith for one of your ads, and now this. I realize that Dr. Pepper didn't want to run the risk of someone repeatedly cashing in and getting lots of free cans, though if someone actually wanted to drink that much Dr. Pepper, that's it's own punishment in my books. But really, printing off a voucher? Surely a more creative solution could've been found.

SCENE: A convenience store. A teenager walks up to the counter carrying a can of Dr. Pepper.

TEENAGER: Hi there, I'd like to get my free can of Dr. Pepper.
CLERK: Have you had a can already?
TEENAGER: No sir.
CLERK: Okay, pull up your shirt.

The teenager pulls up his shirt. The clerk takes a branding iron from behind the counter and burns the Dr. Pepper logo onto the lad's chest. The teenager reacts surprisingly calmly.

TEENAGER: Boy, that's hot.
CLERK: You'll have to cool yourself down with an ice-cold can of Dr. Pepper!
TEENAGER: You're right! Ha ha ha ha ha!
CLERK: Ha ha ha ha ha!
TEENAGER: Ha ha ha ha ha!
CLERK: Ha ha ha ha ha!

I'm bad at writing endings.