Sunday, December 02, 2007

Slap Bet #1

Well, it had to happen eventually. I was hanging out with Kyle over the weekend, and received slap one of five. Just as I was putting on my coat and getting ready to leave, I turned around and caught a movement out of the corner of my eye. Kyle was raising his hand in my direction, I blocked, but his other hand came across for the inaugural slap. I should note that my block wasn't a direct avoidance of the oncoming slap --- such an action is punishable by more slaps, as per the edict of the slap bet commissioner. But it's just human nature to react when you see a hand coming towards you. Also, after reading so many Spider-Man comics as a kid, I think I developed my own spider-sense to warn against danger. Kyle's slap wasn't very hard, certainly not one of those overblown comic backhands that Marshall lays on Barney, since it's difficult to actually slap someone in real life when you're not trying to punch them. Try it sometime! Preferably not on Grandma!

Here's the best part of the whole thing, as well as insight into the insidious nature of the slap bet. I had totally forgotten that a slap could be coming until Kyle's brother casually mentioned it as one point in the evening. You'd think that a slap could be on my mind, but that's the beauty of it --- when you see a friend of yours, you think "Oh, there's good ol' so-and-so," not "Oh, there's that guy who might slap me." Your normal feelings of good tidings towards your friend override your suspicion that a slap could be coming. Lousy common human decency! It wouldn't be nearly as fun losing a slap bet to a casual acquaintance of an enemy, since then you'd always be presuming a slap could be just around the corner.

Now that Kyle has gotten the ice-breaker slap* out of the way, I fully expect to not receive another until roughly 2010. His slaps can be used throughout the rest of our lives, and it would be just like him to wait. We were joking that conceivably he could slap me while we're in our nursing homes, even if I'm hooked up to a machine and literally at death's door. I might end up being slapped to death, folks. There's a Law & Order plot for you.

Unless...Kyle slaps me four times the next time we hang out. That would be truly unexpected, and thus perhaps the most evil plan of them all. Damn you, Wasko! DAMN YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

And I didn't even get a song out of it!

* = Usually the term 'ice-breaker slap' only applies to the slap I receive from women I'm trying to pick up at the bar. My opening line is "How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice. Can I have your number?" I realize this is stolen from those Glomobi ads on the CBC, but since my tax dollars pay for CBC programming, I figure I have the rights to borrow liberally from its advertising. Also, the guy saying that line in the ad sounds exactly like my pal Hayes. It's uncanny.

1 comment:

Hal Incandenza said...

(That's one.)

My only regret is that no one was videotaping the slap itself, so that I could relive it again and again...

In addition, your argument that your block was actually an instinctive reaction and not a block at all seems like [in my best fake lawyer accent] a distinction without a difference. Not to worry, While I happen to be engaged to the Slap Bet Commissioner [pumping my fist], I don't plan on appealing.