Hindsight being 20-20, I should've posted this before the "best scenes of the year" list, just so we could start at the bottom of 2019's barrel and work our way up to the best scenes and then the best movies in the forthcoming Markademy Awards post. Poor decision-making, Mark!
Onto the bottom ten, counting down (up?) from the tenth-worst to the absolute worst. Last year I actually went into rather a lot of detail about why each individual film stunk, but honestly? These films aren't worth the time.
10. The Lighthouse
9. Angel Has Fallen
8. The Good Liar
7. Ad Astra
6. Joker (okay, I guess I already wrote quite a bit about why this one was a failure)
5. Glass
4. Unicorn Store
3. Serenity
2. Polar
1. The Souvenir
Worst Supporting Actor: Robert De Niro/Joker
I get that this is a nod to De Niro's performance in The King Of Comedy (a much better movie that Joker shamelessly tries to rip off), and I guess there's a meta-narrative about the biggest late night "joker" on television being so painfully unfunny. But at the end of the day, it's also Robert De Niro as a late-night talk show host. Yikes. If you think I'm being too harsh on this role given the meta nature of the casting, well, that's life.
Worst Supporting Actress: Zawe Ashton/Velvet Buzzsaw
It's possible that Velvet Buzzsaw was too much of a one-note mess to be saved, but if a salvage job was possible, the film needed everyone in the cast firing on the Gyllenhaal/Collette levels of exquisite nonsense. Having Ashton in there trying to be a voice of reason in a bonkers plot just didn't work at all.
Worst Actor: Matthew Rhys/A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood
This one is unfortunate given how much I admired Rhys' work on The Americans. But man, what was this movie? Maybe the choice to make Mr. Rogers the supporting character in "the Mr. Rogers biopic" would've worked better if Rhys wasn't such an utterly dour wet blanket as the main character.
Worst Actress: Alicia Vikander/Earthquake Bird
Remember how everyone loved Vikander in Deus Ex Machina? Maybe we didn't know that "acts like an android" is her default setting.
Worst Performance In The Best Movie: Emma Watson/Little Women
In a slight preview of my list of the year's best movies, I started at the top of my list and went down until I found a film that contained a legitimately mediocre performance. In this case, we have Little Women's weak link. Watson is a shaky actress even at the best of times, but come on, casting her as the best actress of the March family seems like an in-joke.
BEST PERFORMANCES IN BAD MOVIES
Supporting Actor: Mamoudou Athie/Unicorn Store
Supporting Actress: Judi Dench/All Is True
Actor: Robert Pattinson/The Lighthouse
Actress: Charlize Theron/Bombshell
Onto the bottom ten, counting down (up?) from the tenth-worst to the absolute worst. Last year I actually went into rather a lot of detail about why each individual film stunk, but honestly? These films aren't worth the time.
10. The Lighthouse
9. Angel Has Fallen
8. The Good Liar
7. Ad Astra
6. Joker (okay, I guess I already wrote quite a bit about why this one was a failure)
5. Glass
4. Unicorn Store
3. Serenity
2. Polar
1. The Souvenir
Worst Supporting Actor: Robert De Niro/Joker
I get that this is a nod to De Niro's performance in The King Of Comedy (a much better movie that Joker shamelessly tries to rip off), and I guess there's a meta-narrative about the biggest late night "joker" on television being so painfully unfunny. But at the end of the day, it's also Robert De Niro as a late-night talk show host. Yikes. If you think I'm being too harsh on this role given the meta nature of the casting, well, that's life.
Worst Supporting Actress: Zawe Ashton/Velvet Buzzsaw
It's possible that Velvet Buzzsaw was too much of a one-note mess to be saved, but if a salvage job was possible, the film needed everyone in the cast firing on the Gyllenhaal/Collette levels of exquisite nonsense. Having Ashton in there trying to be a voice of reason in a bonkers plot just didn't work at all.
Worst Actor: Matthew Rhys/A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood
This one is unfortunate given how much I admired Rhys' work on The Americans. But man, what was this movie? Maybe the choice to make Mr. Rogers the supporting character in "the Mr. Rogers biopic" would've worked better if Rhys wasn't such an utterly dour wet blanket as the main character.
Worst Actress: Alicia Vikander/Earthquake Bird
Remember how everyone loved Vikander in Deus Ex Machina? Maybe we didn't know that "acts like an android" is her default setting.
Worst Performance In The Best Movie: Emma Watson/Little Women
In a slight preview of my list of the year's best movies, I started at the top of my list and went down until I found a film that contained a legitimately mediocre performance. In this case, we have Little Women's weak link. Watson is a shaky actress even at the best of times, but come on, casting her as the best actress of the March family seems like an in-joke.
BEST PERFORMANCES IN BAD MOVIES
Supporting Actor: Mamoudou Athie/Unicorn Store
Supporting Actress: Judi Dench/All Is True
Actor: Robert Pattinson/The Lighthouse
Actress: Charlize Theron/Bombshell
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