Competitors: Me vs. me from exactly 10 years ago
Battleground: A hall of mirrors, just to make this as cliched as possible
Prep: Both of us are woken up from a sound sleep, told what's going on, re-explained what's going on after our initial response of "whuh?" and then given five minutes to use the bathroom and whatnot. I don't think a third explanation would be necessary, since I'd like to think that, at all ages of my life, I've been open to the idea of very weird stuff happening.
Rules: General UFC rules, since I've always hated the idea of being poked in the eyes, hit in the groin, had small joints manipulated, etc. One change is that both of us get to compete in socks and moccasins, since the idea of fighting in bare feet always seemed vaguely gross.
Referee: I was tempted to say either the me from 1999 or the me from 2029, but let's just go totally neutral and pick the Referee Mario from the old Punch-Out game.
Match analysis: Let's face it, we're not dealing with two elite athletes here. It's going to be a battle of (limited) stamina and (I want to say limited if I'm being realistic, but I'm also pretty arrogant, so...) strategy before it'll come down to pure strength or speed. Plus, both now and then, I'm not a terribly violent person, so if anything, I'll want to chat with my old/new self moreso than fight them. So we'll take the fight just as an intellectual challenge, mostly, and give it a go for a while before one of us will likely throw in the towel out of either frustration or boredom. The 2009 me has the physical edge by dint of being in slightly better shape, as back then I was only obese as opposed to morbidly obese! Not sure of a mental edge, since I think both of us stopped intellectually growing around 2007, and my knowledge of fighting (and by which, trying to figure out submission moves from watching the UFC and/or pro wrestling) hasn't evolved much since then. Frankly, there's a chance one of me would let the other me actually apply the hold just to see what it felt like, or to see if I could counter out of it. So yeah, since "allow oneself to be in the hold" is in play here, we're not dealing with high-level fight IQ.
Final verdict: Me in 2009, second round, submission. Current me just gets tired and taps out, then the two of us go grab a soda pop and catch up on life. "So we never did join that gym, eh?" "Sigh...."
And no, there will be no actual pictures of me in 2009 or in 2019 posted for comparison's sake. I wouldn't want to do that to the internet.
Battleground: A hall of mirrors, just to make this as cliched as possible
Prep: Both of us are woken up from a sound sleep, told what's going on, re-explained what's going on after our initial response of "whuh?" and then given five minutes to use the bathroom and whatnot. I don't think a third explanation would be necessary, since I'd like to think that, at all ages of my life, I've been open to the idea of very weird stuff happening.
Rules: General UFC rules, since I've always hated the idea of being poked in the eyes, hit in the groin, had small joints manipulated, etc. One change is that both of us get to compete in socks and moccasins, since the idea of fighting in bare feet always seemed vaguely gross.
Referee: I was tempted to say either the me from 1999 or the me from 2029, but let's just go totally neutral and pick the Referee Mario from the old Punch-Out game.
Match analysis: Let's face it, we're not dealing with two elite athletes here. It's going to be a battle of (limited) stamina and (I want to say limited if I'm being realistic, but I'm also pretty arrogant, so...) strategy before it'll come down to pure strength or speed. Plus, both now and then, I'm not a terribly violent person, so if anything, I'll want to chat with my old/new self moreso than fight them. So we'll take the fight just as an intellectual challenge, mostly, and give it a go for a while before one of us will likely throw in the towel out of either frustration or boredom. The 2009 me has the physical edge by dint of being in slightly better shape, as back then I was only obese as opposed to morbidly obese! Not sure of a mental edge, since I think both of us stopped intellectually growing around 2007, and my knowledge of fighting (and by which, trying to figure out submission moves from watching the UFC and/or pro wrestling) hasn't evolved much since then. Frankly, there's a chance one of me would let the other me actually apply the hold just to see what it felt like, or to see if I could counter out of it. So yeah, since "allow oneself to be in the hold" is in play here, we're not dealing with high-level fight IQ.
Final verdict: Me in 2009, second round, submission. Current me just gets tired and taps out, then the two of us go grab a soda pop and catch up on life. "So we never did join that gym, eh?" "Sigh...."
And no, there will be no actual pictures of me in 2009 or in 2019 posted for comparison's sake. I wouldn't want to do that to the internet.
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