Movies I Won't Watch

* I'm glad The Unborn is finally out, so the damn ads will cease. If I hear that damn kid say 'it wants to be born now' one more time, I'm going to scream (with frustration, not terror, otherwise I'd be playing into the filmmakers' hands). You know that an ad campaign has gone overboard when even though most of the marketing for this film involves Odette Yustman in her underwear, I'm still sick of seeing them every time I turn on a television. It's also amusing to note that going by the trailer, apparently half the cast of Dexter is in this movie. That would be a fun, random thing to do as a director --- cast everyone from a TV show in your movie, except have all of them never interact at any point during the 90 minutes. Unborn missed a golden chance to get Michael C. Hall in Gary Oldman's role.

(And, really, Gary Oldman? Come on, man....er, old man. You're better than this.)


* The new Pink Panther movies are the result of gambling. That is the only possible explanation. The question, therefore, is what specific type of gambling? Two theories: first, Steve Martin simply has massive gambling debts and thus needs to star in horrifying films like these in order to get the cash to pay off said debts. Or, perhaps a semi has-been comedy star (Mike Myers?) agreed to star in these films and quickly realized his mistake before the first one began shooting. A despondant Myers was rueing his hasty signature on the contract when he attended a comedy stars' poker game hosted by, oh, let's say, Robin Williams. Martin was also at this party in spite of the fact that he didn't really know how to play poker --- he just liked attending parties. So anyway, long story short, Myers and Martin end up in a high-stakes hand and Myers ends up putting his Pink Panther contract into the pot. Martin calls, and thus is forced to star as the new Clouseau after his three of a kind loses to Myers' full house.

Unfortunately, after being freed from his Pink Panther obligations, Myers went on to make The Love Guru. So, audiences dodged one bullet only to jump directly in front of an oncoming truck.

The moral of the story is, don't gamble.


* My TV is a conduit to another dimension where Underworld is a successful film series. This is the only explanation I can come up with for why I'm seeing ads for a third Underworld movie, and considering I'm the guy who just wrote an extravagantly long passage trying to excuse Steve Martin for the Pink Panther remakes, that just makes this trilogy all the more inconceivable. Do you know anyone who's a fan of the Underworld series? Hell, I'm not sure if I even know anyone who's even seen any of the movies, let alone liked them to the point of saying, "Boy, I hope they make a sequel." What are these movies about, anyway? Some type of vampires fighting werewolves, or vampires who mate with werewolves, or vampires who have three-ways with werewolves and bees to form a hybrid creature who, when it barks, shoots bees out of its mouth at you?