Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Inside Scoop

So the beauty of Toronto is that at any given moment, you’ll run into just about the best-looking woman you’ve ever seen in your life, and there she was — the Beauty Of Toronto.  I’m walking down the street the other day and boom, suddenly this perfect 14 of a woman was strolling right towards me walking her dog.  Her choice in canine actually added to her attractiveness; it wasn’t a golden retriever* but it was a perfectly solid medium-sized animal.  It wasn’t a completely impractical giant dog, nor was it an annoying little yippy monster that you’d find in a Hilton purse.

* = the best kind of dog, hands-down, though the fact that I owned one for nine years makes me either slightly biased or it just means I have exceptional taste.

Anyway, the dog was initially of minor concern since I only had eyes for this vision.  She was so good-looking that I was actually considering stopping and asking her out on the spot, which would’ve been a) bold, b) creepy, c) something completely uncharacteristic for shy ol’ me.  My tactic is usually to make friends with women, gradually fall for them over time, randomly ask them out one day and then hurriedly backpedal when they politely decline with an awkward “ah geez, was he just friends with me the whole time since he had a crush?” look on their face.  I swear, I wasn’t!  Well, in a couple of cases yes, but the large majority of the time, I wasn’t! 

Before I could publicly embarrass myself and waste her time, however, she did something (or didn’t do something) that stopped me cold.  Her borderline adorable little dog took a giant crap on the sidewalk.  This, in itself, wasn’t what stopped me.  If anything, I saw this as a possible ice-breaker.  Why should I blame this poor creature for nature calling?  It’s a dog.

The problem, however, was that after the dog relieved itself, the woman just KEPT ON WALKIN’.  No scoop, no plastic bag, nada…she just kept moving like her pet hadn’t just relived its lunch on a street corner.

Deal-breaker.  That’s right, I rejected HER.  She could’ve been five times better looking (if such a thing were possible) and yet if she can’t take a moment to take responsibility for her pet, that’s an indication of low class.  Rather than ask her out, I simply walked on by without saying a word.  If anything, I may have slightly raised my nose in the international sign of “well, I never” snootiness.*  The nose-raise also may have been in part due to the giant pile of dog feces on the sidewalk, but still, it was 85% snootiness.

* = this is actually the back-up sign, which I had to use since I didn’t have a monocle with me.  Real lack of preparedness on my part. 

So ladies, here’s a lesson for you if you ever want to attract a man, even the ones several leagues below you on the looks scale…if you want us to give a crap, be sure to pick up your crap.  Words to live by.

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