Saturday, June 08, 2013

Raptor Rebranding

So the Raptors might be changing their team name.  Sad day.  It's an especially tough blow to my buddy Eric, who wore an ENORMOUS Toronto Raptors cap in his Grade 9 class picture and was then referred to in some quarters as "The Rap-Tor" for all of high school.  And yes, with that specific pronunciation.

For as much flack as the club takes for naming their club after an early-1990's movie, "Raptors" really isn't that terrible a name.  It's not like a velociraptor ever stopped being vicious or cool dinosaurs.  And compared to a lot of trendy modern team names, "Raptors" holds up pretty well. 

* Texans?  That's just the name of your state!  Try harder!
* Avalanche?  Yeah, name your team after a murderous natural disaster. 
* Hurricanes?  Yeah, name your team after a murderous weather condition. 
* Lightning?  Yeah, name your team after a murderous weather condition.
* Thunder?  Yeah, name your team after a perfectly harmless weather condition.
* Heat?  Yeah, name your team after a potentially harmful weather condition unless you have air conditioning or don't sweat profusely, a la mysel….UH, OTHER PEOPLE.
* Wild?  Good lord. 
* Mighty Ducks?  Jesus wept.  Also, I've written this before, but "Ducks" becomes 100 percent cooler if it was adopted by a Minnesota hockey team, a la the movie.  Hell, even "Minnesota Mighty Ducks" works in this context.  If you had a team called the Minnesota Mighty Ducks and they wore this jersey full-time, I'd be all in, Leafs fandom be damned.

But anyway, if the team does change their name, the obvious name is Towers.  I've been pushing this since 1994.  Basketball players are TALL!  Like a tower!  And Toronto has a famous tower!  It fits so darn well!  That said, the leading contender seems to be "Huskies," after both Toronto's original NBA franchise from the 1940's and from Oliver Miller's body type.  If Huskies or TOWERS don't get the nod, however, I have a few more ideas.

Toronto LOLcats
Toronto Lakers
Toronto Dunkasaurs
Toronto Fresh Starts
Toronto Fast Toronto Furious
Toronto Degrassis
Toronto 67ers
Toronto Streetcars
Toronto Hipster Guys With Neckbeards Who Play A Bit Of Guitar
Toronto Laughingstocks
Toronto Charm Offensives
Toronto Leaf Maples
Toronto Gardiners
Toronto Ball
Toronto Trick Questions
Toronto Stroumboulopoulos
Toronto Transit
Toronto More Like 'Ass' Transit, Am I Right?
Toronto Expiring Contracts
Toronto Casa Lomas
Toronto Yorks
Toronto …..
Toronto Thought Process
Toronto Roughriders
Toronto Hopeless Romantics
Toronto El Mocambos
Toronto Ghost Players
Toronto 4Chans
Toronto Supersonics
Toronto Eric Koreens
Toronto AlarmForce
Toronto Crack Mayors
Toronto Tweets
Toronto Basketballers
Toronto Condominiums
Toronto Hey Remember That Time Vince Carter Won The Dunk Contest And The Team Was Relevant, That Was Pretty Cool, Wasn't It?
Toronto Huss Keys
Toronto Husqvarna
Toronto Key Husks
Toronto Five Guys
Toronto Gamechangers
Toronto Indignity
Toronto Kings Of The North (uh, maybe not after last week's episode…)
Toronto Wrongbars
Toronto Wrongteams
Toronto Hornets
Toronto Steamwhistles
Toronto YYZ
Toronto Rap-Tors
Toronto Rip-rap-rip-a-dee-doo
Toronto Hakeem Olajuwons

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