Monday, January 29, 2007

BEAR vs. COLT




www.bearvscolt.com is posting a new challenge every day until the Super Bowl, and it's pretty funny stuff. Clearly, the Bear has the advantage here because of the experience gained from the Super Bowl Shuffle video in 1986.

Friday, January 12, 2007

Second-round NFL picks!

First, a moment of silence for my cat Bailey. His four favourite football teams (the Panthers, Bengals, Jaguars and Lions) all failed to make the playoffs, which I figure he kept wandering in front of the TV meowing during last week's games. To make matters worse, there are three bird teams (the Eagles, Seahawks and Ravens) still alive, plus the Chargers -- Bailey is afraid of lightning. Tough year for my cat.

Onto the picks...remember, if you think I actually know anything about football and are taking these picks as gospel, you're crazier than I am.


EAGLES over the Saints
This is the toughest one to pick of the round by far. Everyone is on the New Orleans bandwagon as this inspirational team, but....Philly has been on a terrific roll and nobody has really given them credit for. And aside from last season, nobody save New England has had more playoff experience than the Eagles. I think this'll be one of those second-round upsets that makes more sense in hindsight when we see how tense the Saints are. NO edged out a 27-24 win over Philly earlier this season, and it's hard to beat the same team twice in a year. If the Eagles get an early lead, the energy is going to get sucked out of the Superdome really quickly.


BEARS over the Seahawks
As shoddy as Rex Grossman has looked, and as shaky as the Bears defense has been the last few weeks, and given the fact that the Bears have lost their last two homefield, after-a-bye playoff games....I just can't pick Seattle after that stinker last week. They won that game by the grace of Tony Romo's lead hands.

By the way, my favourite Rex Grossman story of the week is how he revealed that he played so poorly in Week 17 against Green Bay because the game was meaningless and thus he didn't prepare as much as he should have. Now, in fairness to Rex, he's right, the game was meaningless for the Bears. But this is the supposed leader of the football team! Do you think Tom Brady or Brett Favre would ever come out and say "yeah, I really phoned it in this week"? I can't decide if Kyle Orton is taking pleasure at Grossman's failings this season, or if he's getting as frustrated the guy who Nicole Brown dated before O.J.


PATRIOTS over the Chargers
I'm wary that this might be one of those 'reverse favourite' games I talked about last week, how the underdog team is actually favoured by most people, but then the favourite wins in a manner that shows why they were favoured to begin with. The Colts won the reverse favourite game over KC last week, but I think the Patriots will still pull things out against San Diego. Actually, this is a good time to hedge my bets -- either the Chargers or Saints (the two feel-good stories in the NFL this year) will lose. Possibly both of them will lose, but definitely at least one will taste defeat. In this case, I think the Pats just stack the line against LT and force Rivers to beat them with the pass, which he may or may not be able to do in a playoff atmosphere. Like in the Philly-NO game, the Pats will have to score early and get a lead in order to quiet down the San Diego crowd, who aren't known for their exuberence even in the best of times.


RAVENS over the Colts
Sorry, Bailey. The Ravens are going to moider them, to quote Bugs Bunny. Barring a Steve McNair injury, the Baltimore D should have no trouble putting up points against Captain Overrated.  If Manning threw three picks against the weak Chiefs defense last week, he won't stand a chance against Baltimore. Now it's time for the Polivision Poll: who will Manning blame this year after a playoff loss?

a) His offensive linemen (again)

b) Marvin Harrison "You know, I could make more things happen if I had better people catching the ball." Reporter: "Uh, Peyton, isn't Harrison a hall-of-famer?" PM: "Next question!"

c) New York Giants fans, for booing his equally useless little brother

d) Tony Dungy. "Even coach's dead son could've come up with a better game plan than that."

e) The fans. "At first I thought they weren't saying boo, but were saying 'moooovers.' But then they were actually saying boo." Reporter: "Why would Baltimore fans cheer you?" PM: "Next question!"

f) President James Madison. "He lost the White House to the hated British in 1814! Surely that's worse than losing a playoff game!"

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Terror

I used to regard 70's and 80's oldies shows on the radio as kitschy nostalgia. This was before last night, when I had the "best of the 90's" show on while driving to the store. It was nothing but songs like Sex Type Thing, Lovefool and (here's the kicker) Back For Good for a good 20 minutes, and I was rocking out for every single minute of it. I am now officially old. This show will increase OMC's monthly royalty checks for How Bizarre by about 400 percent.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

A Meat Loaf Troika

Bat Out of Hell I --- Nothing says 2007 like watching a decrepit Meat Loaf wearing a Terrell Owens jersey singing a suggestive, 30-year-old love song with a backup singer roughly a third his age. On the plus side, the singer was smoking hot. On the down side, as a singer, Ellen Foley the original vocalist on Paradise by the Dashboard Light -- kicks her ass nine ways from Sunday. Fun fact: Ellen Foley used to be on Night Court in the pre-Markie Post era.

BOH II --- Last summer, I started one of my MLB.com articles with a sentence like "Though the Blue Jays have yet to sweep a series all season, the club is taking Meat Loaf's advice: two out of three ain't bad." The Jays beat writer, Jordan, looked at the paragraph and was confused. Apparently Meat Loaf hasn't aged as well in the USA, since Jordan had never heard of the song. Far be it from me to question Jordan's musical tastes (his favourite band is Pearl Jam, so he's on the right track), but come on. Who hasn't heard of Two Out of Three Ain't Bad? I even plan to have it played at my funeral, provided that I die only accomplishing two of my three life's goals. All three involve either gaining superpowers or wrestling alligators, so I'd better get on it.

BOH III --- Speaking of Meat Loaf and baseball, here's a tidbit from Starpulse.com.....

Meat Loaf has arranged for his ashes to be scattered over New York City's Yankee Stadium following his demise. Although it's illegal to do so, the heavyweight rocker has arranged a way to carry out his last request - but he's remaining tight lipped about the details.

The singer is a huge fan of the baseball team, and his macabre wish ensures he will always be there for the team at their home games.

He says, "I'm going to be cremated and a helicopter will drop my ashes over the Yankee Stadium in the Bronx, New York City. I can't tell you which company agreed to do it though, as it's illegal."


First of all, if Rudy Giuliani was still mayor, he'd send Meat Loaf's scofflaw carcass to Riker's Island. Secondly, say it ain't so, Loaf. A Yankees fan? This might cause me to hurl my copy of Bat Out of Hell into the rubbish bin. Does this mean 'Life Is A Lemon And I Want My Money Back' is actually about former New York manager Bob Lemon? And 'For Crying Out Loud' is about A-Rod?

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

"Playoffs?! Don't talk about playoffs! You kidding me? Playoffs? I just hope we can win a game!"

So, the Packers missed out on the playoffs. They pulled out an inspiring win against the league-leading Chicago Bears (coughwhosattheirstartersbecausetheyalreadyhadaspotclinchedcough), but New York won on Saturday to grab the final NFC playoff spot. Though my last post was ambivalent at best about Green Bay getting in, it still sucks that they were beaten out by the friggin' Giants. You just can't respect a team whose star running back says his hero is Matt Lauer.

Anyway, NFL playoff picks! Taking a look at my preseason predictions, I scored four of six correct in the AFC (Chiefs and Jets got in over the Steelers and Broncos), and three of six in the NFC (Cowboys, Eagles and Saints made it in over my hilariously awful picks of the Redskins, Bucs and Panthers). I'm putting these in just to keep myself humble, and to remind anyone reading this not to use my predictions for gambling purposes, since I clearly know nothing about football. One more year like this and I'll start using the Diane Chambers "pick the city with the better orchestra" method.

Eagles over the Giants
Screw the Giants. Philly is going to ruin them. Jeff Garcia, CFL representing. Philadelphia has been the hottest team in the NFL over the last month, and the Giants have been freefalling like Saddam through a trap door.

Seahawks over the Cowboys
This is tough to pick. Dallas has been struggling over the last month, and I'm pretty sure that even I could make five catches for 92 yards against their secondary. The Cowboys look scorched, especially considering Seattle's vaunted homefield advantage at Qwest....oh wait, they were just 5-3 at home this season. That's because the Seahawks stink. This is one of the most mediocre playoff matchups in NFL history. In the end, I'll pick the team that doesn't have Terrell Owens.

Patriots over the Jets
Best game of the day. It's a classic matchup --- two divisional rivals, a recent dynasty against a recent sadsack franchise, a young coach who used to work for the coaching legend coming back to face his old boss. It's very possible that New York could win this game, but in the end, I just can't pick against Belichick and Brady at home. They shouldn't have lost that game in Denver last season, and I have a feeling that NE (for all of their injuries and receiver issues) are still something of a sleeping giant. They were 12-4 for pity's sake, yet all of the hype seemed to go to other teams this season. Pats win, but it's by three or less points.

Colts over the Chiefs
Every year, there's one playoff game that looks like what I call the "reverse favourite." That's when one team is favoured, but the other team has so much going for it that they become the trendy upset pick upon whose bandwagon everyone jumps. These reverse favourites then promptly go out and shit the bed, thus proving why the other team were the legit favourites in the first place. The Chiefs are this year's RF, since the conventional wisdom is that since a) Indy can't stop the run and b) Kansas City has Larry Johnson, they will run all over the Colts. The trouble I see with that strategy is that it invites Indianapolis into a shootout, and nobody beats the Colts in a shootout. As much as I'd love to see Manning choke away yet another playoff game, that'll have to wait until the next round, when he is sacked approximately 12 times by Baltimore and then blames everyone but his immobile self.