BASEBALL TEAMS = WOMEN
My pals over at Spirit of Jake Plummer came up with a very funny post comparing the MLB playoff teams to various hot women. The only problem? They left 21 teams without a babe to hang their hat on.
Since I couldn't resist...
* Blue Jays = Jennifer Love Hewitt. You keep thinking or hoping that one of these years they'll finally break down and contend/go topless in a movie, but it never comes for a variety of different excuses.
* Mets = Britney Spears. Looked to have it all going the right way before a complete and total collapse.
* Braves = Meg Ryan. A long stretch of excellence, but now they're getting old in the tooth.
* Tigers = Scarlett Johansson. Still a good year, still highly-rated, but not quite up to par with last year (second place finish, Nanny Diaries).
* Giants = Whitney Houston. Both finally dropped the millstone with the initials B.B., but are too old to make a difference.
* Astros = Janet Jackson. Both suffered a major setback a few years ago (Nipplegate, ass kicked in World Series) and have yet to recover.
* Pirates = Jessica Alba. Years of crappy baseball and years of crappy movies and performances. Yet nobody complains because the aesthetics are just so awesome. If there was a Maxim for baseball stadiums, PNC Park would be the cover girl.
* Dodgers = Catherine Zeta-Jones. A definite sense of class after all these years, in spite of a recent lack of hits.
* Orioles = Katie Holmes. A definite sense of class until getting involved with the wrong dude (Tom Cruise/Peter Angelos). Now there's just something odd going on there.
* Nationals = Mary Pierce. Used to be French, now totally Americanized.
* Royals = Eddie Izzard when cross-dressing. Good for comedy purposes only.
* Rangers = Pamela Anderson. Relied for years on cosmetic appeal with big boobs and big homers, but ended up as something of a joke. Both spent years being fucked over by a huge dick (Tommy Lee, George W. Bush)
* Reds = Victoria Beckham. Got together with dream man, but things went south results/career-wise in a hurry soon after. Artificial enhancement (Great American Ballpark) hasn't worked as well as hoped.
* Athletics = Gwen Stefani. The A's use the 'moneyball' philosophy of scouting underrated players with OBP as the main focus. Gwen uses the "I'm weird" philosophy of being, well, weird and incorporating every musical style under the kitchen sink to make her dance-pop. Both formulas have led to consistent success over the years, though both still have their fair share of critics.
* Brewers = Rihanna. Looking good at the moment, but you have to wonder if they'll still relevant in five years when Prince Fielder/Jay-Z moves on to other projects.
* Marlins = Jennifer Lopez. Generally talentless in spite of overall potential, but surprises everyone with a big hit every few years.
* Twins = Reese Witherspoon. Consistently good year after year, doesn't draw a lot of headlines in spite of major success (playoff berths and the likes of Santana, Morneau, Mauer vs. winning an Oscar).
* White Sox = Ashlee Simpson. Sulkily existed in the shadow of a fellow city team/sister before breaking out on her own and arguably surpassing the more popular team/sister in terms of overall success.
* Cardinals = Julianne Moore. Brings the quality year after year. Has a certain old-school appeal. Are both known for the colour red. Um, I'm running out of clever comparisons, I just think Julianne Moore is pretty hot.
* Mariners = Carmen Electra. Has been romanced and ditched by a number of stars, but still looks pretty good after all these years. Had her marriage to Dave Navarro fall apart as suddenly as Mike Hargrove left the M's hanging last summer.
* Devil Rays = Paris Hilton. Nobody can come up with a good reason for either of their existences. Rays have B.J. Upton and Rocco Baldelli, Paris likes to give BJ and is balled daily.
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