Wednesday, July 12, 2006


My brother is upstairs with a friend of his who unleashes these horrific-sounding belches every few minutes. He has seriously burped 30-35 times in the last hour and a half. I’ve never heard anything like it – it sounds like a dinosaur rising from a tar pit. I’m downstairs, tucked away in the back room, and I can still hear it loud and clear.

I really had no point to that….it was just the first thing on my mind.


So, say you’re Zindane Zidane. You’re one of the great soccer players of the modern era, a World Cup winner, and essentially a Wayne Gretzky-level national hero in France. Your team is in the World Cup Final, inarguably the world’s biggest sporting event, and you’ve already announced it will be your last career game. It’s 20 minutes into overtime, with only ten to play before the penalty kicks to decide the championship, and then Italian defender Marco Materazzi insults you and (allegedly) your mother and sister. What do you do?

a) Ignore it
b) Come up with an even more clever insult in response, and either it will provoke the Italian player to do something stupid in response and get himself red-carded, or Wilmer Valderrama shows up and the whole thing turns into an episode of Yo Mama
c) Laugh it off
d) Internalize it and use it as even further motivation to push your team to victory
e) Lay out Materazzi with a headbutt that is both violent enough to earn an immediate red card, and yet is also hilarious enough to evoke immediate comparison to an angry buck

Zidane chose E, and is now a living joke all around the world. I think it’s the most high-profile breakdown by a major player in a major event in sports history. The only comparisons I can think of are Mike Tyson biting Evander Holyfield’s ear and Roger Clemens getting tossed from Game Four of the 1990 ALCS for arguing calls, but those cases don’t quite fit because neither event is even close to World Cup stature, and besides -- Tyson is crazy, and Clemens is a baby.

Obviously, insults towards one’s family are pretty low, especially since Zidane’s mother is apparently in hospital. But a player of Zidane’s experience should’ve realized it’s the World Cup Final, and obviously your opponent is just trying to get under your skin. If he was worried about not getting another chance to retaliate, then he should’ve just waited until after the game, and then seduced Materazzi’s sister and mother. Hell, he’s Zinedine Zidane – he could conceivably pull that off.

By the way, this link ( is hilarious.


Few questions that will create more controversy in a group of women than asking which of the male ‘Friends’ was the most attractive. If you asked 100 women this question, you could very possibly get a final tally of 33-33-33-1 (with the one joker voting for Gunther or Tom Selleck). Whereas if you asked 100 men who the most attractive female Friend was, a solid 65 to 70 per cent would vote for Jennifer Aniston. Lisa Kudrow would be invariably dead last, which is unfortunate but predictable – she is the Toronto Blue Jays to Aniston and Cox’s Yankees and Red Sox.

By the way, the question of ‘which Friend is most attractive’ has really lost its lustre given that they’re all pushing 40 by this point. David Schwimmer, in particular, is going to look just horrific in about five years time in a Gabrielle Carteris-post 90210 kind of way. My personal pick in the female Friend category, Courteney Cox, is already 42 (Jesus!), and the years of starvation and botox are catching up to her in a big way. If things continue to get worse, in a few years people will only be surprised that she’s married to David Arquette, as opposed to the dismay of today and the outright shock of their initial engagement. That one was at least an 8.2 on the Lovett Scale. Fortunately, Nelly Furtado has essentially morphed into Courteney Cox anyway, so I’m happy.

Since Friends is off the air and the actors are all getting old, TV needs a new multi-attractive character program where the actors’ attractiveness can be debated at length. I nominate Lost, if for no other reason than there’s lots of room for differing opinions since the cast has approximately 115 people. I vote for Emilie de Ravin. For the men, I vote for Locke – we baldies have to stick together.


It was misty/rainy all day today, so of course it was perfect golf weather….or, at least, British Open golf weather. I shot a 109 on the par-73 Oxbow Glen course, so I was exactly at ‘Mark Par’ (a.k.a. double bogey golf). Though no golfer should really be proud of a 109, I actually thought I played extremely well by my low standards. I was sabotaged by a handful of holes, on which I scored a pair of triple bogies, a quadruple bogey, quintuple bogey and a (gulp) sextuple bogey. The sextuple came on the 7th hole, a par five piece of garbage that encompasses a stream through the middle of the fairway, plus two ponds that guard the green. That hole is to my golf game what Hitler was to Europe.


Toronto is covered in posters for the new Pirates movie, and they’re those single-character posters that highlight one of the main characters from the movie. For example, one of the posters is like a big shot of Orlando Bloom with his name and “Will Turner” across the top. I have to laugh, since while posters like this are neat collectibles for multi-character films, is there really any point to any of these posters besides the Jack Sparrow one? Bloom and Knightley might as well be replaced by CGI mannequins for all they mean to the picture – in fact, Orlando Bloom may yet be proven to be a CGI mannequin, or at least some type of cyborg like the KeanuTron 3000.


After two weeks of having to dial ‘519’ before every local call, I still haven’t gotten it through my thick skull, so I always hear the ‘You must dial the area code…’ recording before being connected. I think they’ve changed the recording, since when I most recently failed to dial correctly, the woman’s voice sounded very annoyed. Clearly, the phone company are tired of people calling to complain about the extra digits, and are adopting a “Look, just dial the extra numbers, it’s not so goddamn hard” attitude towards the populace that has even seeped into their recorded message. Either that, or the electronic annoyance is the first step that the machines are becoming sentient, and SkyNet is on the verge of destroying the world.


This is a uniquely London kind of problem. The London Free Press changed up their comics section a couple of weeks ago and added four new strips while removing old standards like Hagar, Peanuts and Cathy. They also removed “Rex Morgan, M.D.” which is apparently one of the longest-running strips of all time, as it dates back to the 1940’s. It’s the soap operaish strip about a doctor in a small town, and….I dunno, a bunch of crap happens that I don’t really know about since I’ve never read it.

Naturally, I presumed that my tastes mirror everyone else’s, so I was amused when people started sending in loads of letters to the Freeps about how dare they could cut off Rex Morgan ‘in the middle of a storyline.’ So after a week of this hate mail, the Freeps caved and ran a full page of the last week’s Rex Morgan cartoons and have promised to continue the strip until the current plot ends.

We live in a city where the mayor is incompetent, city council hates each other, our population is growing as an enormous rate, and people are only moved to action when a musty old serial is removed from the local comics page. London: We’re All Mixed Up!

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